little novels-第40章

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EIGHTH　EPOCH。

WHETHER　I　was　so　weakened　by　illness　as　to　be　incapable　of　giving　my　mind　to　more　than　one　subject　for　reflection　at　a　time　（that　subject　being　now　the　extraordinary　recovery　of　my　health）or　whether　I　was　preoccupied　by　the　effort；　which　I　was　in　honor　bound　to　make；　to　resist　the　growing　attraction　to　me　of　Susan's　societyI　cannot　presume　to　say。　This　only　I　know：　when　the　discovery　of　the　terrible　position　toward　Rothsay　in　which　I　now　stood　suddenly　overwhelmed　me；　an　interval　of　some　days　had　passed。　I　cannot　account　for　it。　I　can　only　sayso　it　was。

Susan　was　in　the　room。　I　was　wholly　unable　to　hide　from　her　the　sudden　change　of　color　which　betrayed　the　horror　that　had　overpowered　me。　She　said；　anxiously：　〃What　has　frightened　you？〃

I　don't　think　I　heard　her。　The　play　was　in　my　memory　againthe　fatal　play；　which　had　wound　itself　into　the　texture　of　Rothsay's　life　and　mine。　In　vivid　remembrance；　I　saw　once　more　the　dramatic　situation　of　the　first　act；　and　shrank　from　the　reflection　of　it　in　the　disaster　which　had　fallen　on　my　friend　and　myself。

〃What　has　frightened　you？〃　Susan　repeated。

I　answered　in　one　wordI　whispered　his　name：　〃Rothsay！〃

She　looked　at　me　in　innocent　surprise。　〃Has　he　met　with　some　misfortune？〃　she　asked；　quietly。

〃Misfortune〃did　she　call　it？　Had　I　not　said　enough　to　disturb　her　tranquillity　in　mentioning　Rothsay's　name？　〃I　am　living！〃　I　said。　〃Livingand　likely　to　live！〃

Her　answer　expressed　fervent　gratitude。　〃Thank　God　for　it！〃

I　looked　at　her；　astonished　as　she　had　been　astonished　when　she　looked　at　me。

〃Susan；　Susan；〃　I　cried〃must　I　own　it？　I　love　you！〃

She　came　nearer　to　me　with　timid　pleasure　in　her　eyeswith　the　first　faint　light　of　a　smile　playing　round　her　lips。

〃You　say　it　very　strangely；〃　she　murmured。　〃Surely；　my　dear　one；　you　ought　to　love　me？　Since　the　first　day　when　you　gave　me　my　French　lessonhaven't　I　loved　You？〃

〃You　love　_me？_〃　I　repeated。　〃Have　you　read？〃　My　voice　failed　me；　I　could　say　no　more。

She　turned　pale。　〃Read　what？〃　she　asked。

〃My　letter。〃

〃What　letter？〃

〃The　letter　I　wrote　to　you　before　we　were　married。〃




Am　I　a　coward？　The　bare　recollection　of　what　followed　that　reply　makes　me　tremble。　Time　has　passed。　I　am　a　new　man　now；　my　health　is　restored；　my　happiness　is　assured：　I　ought　to　be　able　to　write　on。　No：　it　is　not　to　be　done。　How　can　I　think　coolly？　how　force　myself　to　record　the　suffering　that　I　innocently；　most　innocently；　inflicted　on　the　sweetest　and　truest　of　women？　Nothing　saved　us　from　a　parting　as　absolute　as　the　parting　that　follows　death　but　the　confession　that　had　been　wrung　from　me　at　a　time　when　my　motive　spoke　for　itself。　The　artless　avowal　of　her　affection　had　been　justified；　had　been　honored；　by　the　words　which　laid　my　heart　at　her　feet　when　I　said　〃I　love　you。〃

。　。　。

She　had　risen　to　leave　me。　In　a　last　look；　we　had　silently　resigned　ourselves　to　wait；　apart　from　each　other；　for　the　day　of　reckoning　that　must　follow　Rothsay's　return；　when　we　heard　the　sound　of　carriage…wheels　on　the　drive　that　led　to　the　house。　In　a　minute　more　the　man　himself　entered　the　room。

He　looked　first　at　Susanthen　at　me。　In　both　of　us　be　saw　the　traces　that　told　of　agitation　endured；　but　not　yet　composed。　Worn　and　weary　he　waited；　hesitating；　near　the　door。

〃Am　I　intruding？〃　he　asked。

〃We　were　thinking　of　you；　and　speaking　of　you；〃　I　replied；　〃just　before　you　came　in。〃

〃_We？_〃　he　repeated；　turning　toward　Susan　once　more。　After　a　pause；　he　offered　me　his　handand　drew　it　back。

〃You　don't　shake　hands　with　me；〃　he　said。

〃I　am　waiting；　Rothsay；　until　I　know　that　we　are　the　same　firm　friends　as　ever。〃

For　the　third　time　he　looked　at　Susan。

〃Will　_you_　shake　hands？〃　he　asked。

She　gave　him　her　hand　cordially。　〃May　I　stay　here？〃　she　said；　addressing　herself　to　me。

In　my　situation　at　that　moment；　I　understood　the　generous　purpose　that　animated　her。　But　she　had　suffered　enough　alreadyI　led　her　gently　to　the　door。　〃It　will　be　better；〃　I　whispered；　〃if　you　will　wait　downstairs　in　the　library。〃　She　hesitated。　〃What　will　they　say　in　the　house？〃　she　objected；　thinking　of　the　servants　and　of　the　humble　position　which　she　was　still　supposed　to　occupy。　〃It　matters　nothing　what　they　say；　now。〃　I　told　her。　She　left　us。

〃There　seems　to　be　some　private　understanding　between　you；〃　Rothsay　said；　when　we　were　alone。

〃You　shall　hear　what　it　is；〃　I　answered。　〃But　I　must　beg　you　to　excuse　me　if　I　speak　first　of　myself。〃

〃Are　you　alluding　to　your　health？〃

〃Yes。〃

〃Quite　needless；　Lepel。　I　met　your　doctor　this　morning。　I　know　that　a　council　of　physicians　decided　you　would　die　before　the　year　was　out。〃

He　paused　there。

〃And　they　proved　to　be　wrong；〃　I　added。

〃They　might　have　proved　to　be　right；〃　Rothsay　rejoined；　〃but　for　the　accident　which　spilled　your　medicine　and　the　despair　of　yourself　which　decided　you　on　taking　no　more。〃

I　could　hardly　believe　that　I　understood　him。　〃Do　you　assert；〃　I　said；　〃that　my　medicine　would　have　killed　me；　if　I　had　taken　the　rest　of　it？〃

〃I　have　no　doubt　that　it　would。〃

〃Will　you　explain　what　you　mean？〃

〃Let　me　have　your　explanation　first。　I　was　not　prepared　to　find　Susan　in　your　room。　I　was　surprised　to　see　traces　of　tears　in　her　face。　Something　has　happened　in　my　absence。　Am　I　concerned　in　it？〃

〃You　are。〃

I　said　it　quietlyin　full　possession　of　myself。　The　trial　of　fortitude　through　which　I　had　already　passed　seemed　to　have　blunted　my　　customary　sense　of　feeling。　I　approached　the　disclosure　which　I　was　now　bound　to　make　with　steady　resolution；　resigned　to　the　worst　that　could　happen　when　the　truth　was　known。

〃Do　you　remember　the　time；〃　I　resumed；　〃when　I　was　so　eager　to　serve　you　that　I　proposed　to　make　Susan　your　wife　by　making　her　rich？〃

〃Yes。〃

〃Do　you　remember　asking　me　if　I　was　thinking　of　the　play　we　saw　together　at　Rome？　Is　the　story　as　present　to　your　mind　now；　as　it　was　then？〃

〃Quite　as　present。〃

〃You　asked　if　I　was　performing　the　part　of　the　Marquisand　if　you　were　the　Count。　Rothsay！　the　devotion　of　that　ideal　character　to　his　friend　has　been　my　devotion；　his　conviction　that　his　death　would　justify　what　he　had　done　for　his　friend's　sake；　has　been　_my_　conviction；　and　as　it　ended　with　him；　so　it　has　ended　with　mehis　terrible　position　is　_my_　terrible　position　toward　you；　at　this　moment。〃

〃Are　you　mad？〃　Rothsay　asked；　sternly。

I　passed　over　that　first　outbreak　of　his　anger　in　silence。

〃Do　you　mean　to　tell　me　you　have　married　Susan？〃　he　went　on。

〃Bear　this　in　mind；〃　I　said。　〃When　I　married　her；　I　was　doomed　to　death。　Nay；　more。　In　your　interestsas　God　is　my　witnessI　welcomed　death。〃

He　stepped　up　to　me；　in　silence；　and　raised　his　hand　with　a　threatening　gesture。

That　action　at　once　deprived　me　of　my　self…possession。　I　spoke　with　the　ungovernable　rashness　of　a　boy。

〃Carry　out　your　intention；〃　I　said。　〃Insult　me。〃

His　hand　dropped。

〃Insult　me；〃　I　repeated；　〃it　is　one　way　out　of　the　unendurable　situation　in　which　we　are　placed。　You　may　trust　me　to　challenge　you。　Duels　are　still　fought　on　the　Continent；　I　will　follow　you　abroad；　I　will　choose　pistols；　I　will　take　care　that　we　fight　on　the　fatal　foreign　system；　and　I　will　purposely　miss　you。　Make　her　what　I　intended　her　to　bemy　rich　widow。〃

He　looked　at　me　attentively。

〃Is　_that_　your　refuge？〃　he　asked；　scornfully。　〃No！　I　won't　help　you　to　commit　suicide。〃

God　forgive　me！　I　was　possessed　by　a　spirit　of　reckless　despair；　I　did　my　best　to　provoke　him。

〃Reconsider　your　decision；〃　I　said；　〃and　rememberyou　tried　to　commit　suicide　yourself。〃

He　turned　quickly　to　the　door；　as　if　he　distrusted　his　own　powers　of　self…control。

〃I　wish　to　speak　to　Susan；〃　he　said；　keeping　his　back　turned　on　me。

〃You　will　find　her　in　the　library。〃

He　left　me。

I　went　to　the　window。　I　opened　it　and　let　the　cold　wintry　air　blow　over　my　burning　head。　I　don't　know　how　long　I　sat　at　the　window。　There　came　a　time　when　I　saw　Rothsay　on　the　house　steps。　He　walked　rapidly　toward　the　park　gate。　His　head　was　down；　he　never　once　looked　back　at　the　room　in　which　he　had　left　me。

As　he　passed　out　of　my　sight；　I　felt　a　hand　laid　gently　on　my　shoulder。　Susan　had　returned　to　me。

〃He　will　not　come　back；〃　she　said。　〃Try　still　to　remember　him　as　your　old　friend。　He　asks　you　to　forgive　and　forget。〃

She　had　made　the　peace　between　us。　I　was　deeply　touched；　my　eyes　filled　with　tears　as　I　looked　at　her。　She　kissed　me　on　the　forehead　and　went　out。　I　afterward　asked　what　had　passed　between　them　when　Rothsay　spoke　with　her　in　the　library。　She　never　has　told　me　what　they　said　to　each　other；　and　she　never　will。　She　is　right。



Later　in　the　day　I　was　told　that　Mrs。　Rymer　had　called；　and　wished　to　〃pay　her　respects。〃

I　refused　to　see　her。　Whatever　claim　she　might　have　otherwise　had　on　my　consideration　had　been　forfeited　by　the　infamy　of　her　conduct；　when　she　intercepted　my　letter　to　Susan。　Her　sense　of　injury　on　receiving　my　message　was　expressed　in　writing；　and　was　sent　to　me　the　same　evening。　The　last　sentence　in　her　letter　was　characteristic　of　the　woman。

〃However　your　pride　may　despise　me；〃　she　wrote；　〃I　am　indebted　to　you　for　the　rise　in　life　that　I　have　always　desired。　You　may　refuse　to　see　mebut　you　can't　prevent　my　being　the　mother…in…law　of　a　gentleman。〃


Soon　afterward；　I　received　a　visit　which　I　had　hardly　ventured　to　expect。　Busy　as　he　was　in　London；　my　doctor　came　to　see　me。　He　was　not　in　his　usual　good　spirits。

〃I　hope　you　don't　bring　me　any　bad　news？〃　I　said。

〃You　shall　judge　for　yourself；〃　he　replied。　〃I　come　from　Mr。　Rothsay；　to　say　for　him　what　he　is　not　able　to　say　for　himself。〃

〃Where　is　he？〃

〃He　has　left　England。〃

〃For　any　purpose　that　you　know　of？〃

〃Yes。　He　has　sailed　to　join　the　expedition　of　rescueI　ought　rather　to　call　it　the　forlorn　hopewhich　is　to　search　for　the　lost　explorers　in　Central　Australia。〃

In　other　words；　he　had　gone　to　seek　death　in　the　fatal　footsteps　of　Burke　and　Wills。　I　could　not　trust　myself　to　speak。

The　doctor　saw　that　there　was　a　reason　for　my　silence；　and　that　he　would　do　well　not　to　notice　it。　He　changed　the　subjectj。

〃May　I　ask；〃　he　said；　〃if　you　have　heard　from　the　servants　left　in　charge　at　your　house　in　London？〃

〃Has　anything　happened？〃

〃Something　has　happened　which　they　are　evidently　afraid　to　tell　you；　knowing　the　high　opinion　which　you　have　of　Mrs。　Mozeen。　She　has　suddenly　quitted　your　service；　and　has　gone；　nobody　knows　where。　I　have　taken　charge　of　a　letter　which　she　left　for　you。〃

He　handed　me　the　letter。　As　soon　as　I　had　recovered　myself；　I　looked　at　it。

There　was　this　inscription　on　the　address：　〃For　my　good　master；　to　wait　until　he　returns　home。〃　The　few　lines　in　the　letter　itself　ran　thus：


〃Distressing　circumstances　oblige　me　to　leave　you；　sir；　and　do　not　permit　me　to　enter　into　particulars。　In　asking　your　pardon；　I　offer　my　sincere　thanks　for　your　kindness；　and　my　fervent　prayers　for　your　welfare。〃


That　was　all。　The　date　had　a　special　interest　for　me。　Mrs。　Mozeen　had　written　on　the　day　when　she　must　have　received　my　letterthe　letter　which　has　already　appeared　in　these　pages。

〃Is　there　really　nothing　known　of　the　poor　woman's　motives？〃　I　asked。

〃There　are　two　ex