the price she paid-第35章

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d　over…intimacy　inevitably　led　to　trifling。　　Mildred　had　restrained　herself　because　Mrs。　Brindley　had　compelled　it　by　rigid　example。　　Often　she　had　longed　to　talk　things　over；　to　ask　advice；　but　she　had　never　ventured　further　than　generalities；　and　Mrs。　Brindley　had　never　proffered　advice；　had　never　accepted　opportunities　to　give　it　except　in　the　vaguest　way。　　She　had　taught　Mildred　a　great　deal；　but　always　by　example；　by　doing；　never　by　saying　what　ought　or　ought　not　to　be　done。　　Thus；　such　development　of　Mildred's　character　as　there　had　been　was　natural　and　permanent。

‘‘He　has　put　me　in　a　peculiar　position；''　said　Mildred。　　‘‘Or；　rather；　I　have　let　myself　drift　into　a　peculiar　position。　　For　I　think　you're　right　in　saying　that　oneself　is　always　to　blame。　　Won't　you　let　me　talk　about　it　to　you；　please？　　I　know　you　hate　confidences。　But　I've　got　toto　talk。　　I'd　like　you　to　advise　me；　if　you　can。　　But　even　if　you　don't；　it'll　do　me　good　to　say　things　aloud。''

‘‘Often　one　sees　more　clearly；''　was　Cyrilla's　reply　noncommittal；　yet　not　discouraging。

‘‘I'm　free　to　marry　him；''　Mildred　went　on。　　‘‘That　is；　I'm　not　married。　　I'd　rather　not　explain''

‘‘Don't；''　said　Mrs。　Brindley。　　‘‘It's　unnecessary。''

‘‘You　know　that　it's　Stanley　who　has　been　lending　me　the　money　to　live　on　while　I　study。　　Well；　from　the　beginning　I've　been　afraid　I'd　find　myself　in　a　difficult　position。''

‘‘Naturally；''　said　Mrs。　Brindley；　as　she　paused。

‘‘But　I've　always　expected　it　to　come　in　another　waynot　about　marriage；　but''

‘‘I　understand；''　said　Mrs。　Brindley。　　‘‘You　feared　you'd　be　called　on　to　pay　in　the　way　women　usually　pay　debts　to　men。''

Mildred　nodded。　　‘‘But　this　is　worse　than　I　expected　much　worse。''

‘‘I　hadn't　thought　of　that；''　said　Cyrilla。　　‘‘Yes；　you're　right。　　If　he　had　hinted　the　other　thing；　you　could　have　pretended　not　to　understand。　　If　he　had　suggested　it；　you　could　have　made　him　feel　cheap　and　mean。''

‘‘I　did；''　said　Mildred。　　‘‘He　has　beenreally　wonderfulbetter　than　almost　any　man　would　have　been　more　considerate　than　I　deserved。　　And　I　took　advantage　of　it。''

‘‘A　woman　has　to；''　said　Cyrilla。　　‘‘The　fight　between　men　and　women　is　so　unequal。''

‘‘I　took　advantage　of　him；''　repeated　Mildred。　‘‘And　he　apologized；　and　II　went　on　taking　the　money。　　I　didn't　know　what　else　to　do。　　Isn't　that　dreadful？''

‘‘Nothing　to　be　proud　of；''　said　Cyrilla。　　‘‘But　a　very　usual　transaction。''

‘‘And　then；''　pursued　Mildred；　‘‘I　discovered　that　Ithat　I'd　not　be　able　to　make　a　career。　　But　still　I　kept　on；　though　I've　been　trying　to　force　myself　to　to　show　some　pride　and　self…respect。　　I　discovered　it　only　a　short　time　ago；　and　it　wasn't　really　until　to…day　that　I　was　absolutely　sure。''

‘‘You　ARE　sure？''

‘‘There's　hardly　a　doubt；''　replied　Mildred。　　‘‘But　never　mind　that　now。　　I've　got　to　make　a　living　at　something；　and　while　I'm　learning　whatever　it　is；　I've　got　to　have　money　to　live　on。　　And　I　can　get　it　only　from　him。　　Now；　he　asks　me　to　marry　him。　　He　wouldn't　ask　me　if　he　didn't　think　I　was　going　to　be　a　great　singer。　　He　doesn't　know　it；　but　I　do。''

Mrs。　Brindley　smiled　sweetly。

‘‘And　he　thinks　that　I　love　him；　also。　　If　I　accept　him；　it　will　be　under　doubly　false　pretenses。　　If　I　refuse　him　I've　got　to　stop　taking　the　money。''

A　long　silence；　then　Mrs。　Brindley　said：　　‘‘Women　the　good　ones；　toooften　feel　that　they've　a　right　to　treat　men　as　men　treat　them。　　I　think　almost　any　woman　would　feel　justified　in　putting　off　the　crisis。''

‘‘You　mean；　I　might　tell　him　I'd　give　him　my　answer　when　I　was　independent　and　had　paid　back。''

Cyrilla　nodded。　　Mildred　relit　her　cigarette；　which　she　had　let　go　out。　　‘‘I　had　thought　of　that；''　said　she。　‘‘ButI　doubt　if　he'd　tolerate　it。　　Also''she　laughed　with　the　peculiar　intonation　that　accompanies　the　lifting　of　the　veil　over　a　deeply　and　carefully　hidden　corner　of　one's　secret　self‘‘I　am　afraid。　　If　I　don't　marry　him；　in　a　few　weeks；　or　months　at　most；　he'll　probably　find　out　that　I　shall　never　be　a　great　singer；　and　then　I'd　not　be　able　to　marry　him　if　I　wished　to。''

‘‘He　IS　a　temptation；''　said　Cyrilla。　　‘‘That　is；　his　money　isand　he　personally　is　very　nice。''

‘‘I　married　a　man　I　didn't　care　for；''　pursued　Mildred。　　‘‘I　don't　want　ever　to　do　that　again。　　It　is　even　in　the　best　circumstancesnot　agreeable；　not　as　simple　as　it　looks　to　the　inexperienced　girls　who　are　always　doing　it。''

‘‘Still；　a　woman　can　endure　that　sort　of　thing；''　said　Mrs。　Brindley；　‘‘unless　she　happens　to　be　in　love　with　another　man。''　　She　was　observing　the　unconscious　Mildred　narrowly；　a　state　of　inward　tension　and　excitement　hinted　in　her　face；　but　not　in　her　voice。

‘‘That's　just　it？''　said　Mildred；　her　face　carefully　averted。　　‘‘II　happen　to　be　in　love　with　another　man。''

A　spasm　of　pain　crossed　Cyrilla's　face。

‘‘A　man　who　cares　nothing　about　meand　never　will。　　He's　just　a　friendso　much　the　friend　that　he　couldn't　possibly　think　of　me　asas　a　woman；　needing　him　and　wanting　him''her　eyes　were　on　fire　now；　and　a　soft　glow　had　come　into　her　cheeks‘‘and　never　daring　to　show　it　because　if　I　did　he　would　fly　and　never　let　me　see　him　again。''

Cyrilla　Brindley's　face　was　tragic　as　she　looked　at　the　beautiful　girl；　so　gracefully　adjusted　to　the　big　chair。　　She　sighed　covertly。　　‘‘You　are　lovely；''　she　said；　‘‘and　youngabove　all；　young。''

‘‘This　man　is　peculiar；''　replied　Mildred　forlornly。　‘‘Anyhow；　he　doesn't　want　ME。　　He　knows　me　for　the　futile；　weak；　worthless　creature　I　am。　　He　saw　through　my　bluff；　even　before　I　saw　through　it　myself。　　If　it　weren't　for　him；　I　could　go　aheaddo　the　sensible　thingdo　as　women　usually　do。　　But''　　She　came　to　a　full　stop。

‘‘Love　is　a　woman's　sense　of　honor；''　said　Cyrilla　softly。　　‘‘We're　merciless　and　unscrupulousanything　everythingwhere　we　don't　love。　　But　where　we　do　love；　we'll　go　farther　for　honor　than　the　most　honorable　man。　　That's　why　we're　both　worse　and　better　than　menand　seem　to　be　so　contradictory　and　puzzling。''

‘‘I'd　do　anything　for　him；''　said　Mildred。　　She　smiled　drearily。　　‘‘And　he　wants　nothing。''

She　had　nothing　more　to　say。　　She　had　talked　herself　out　about　Stanley；　and　her　mind　was　now　filled　with　thoughts　that　could　not　be　spoken。　　As　she　rose　to　go　to　bed；　she　looked　appealingly　at　Cyrilla。　　Then；　with　a　sudden　and　shy　rush　she　flung　her　arms　round　her　and　kissed　her。　　‘‘Thank　youso　much；''　she　said。　‘‘You've　done　me　a　world　of　good。　　Saying　it　all　out　loud　before　YOU　has　made　me　see。　　I　know　my　own　mind；　now。''

She　did　not　note　the　pathetic　tenderness　of　Cyrilla's　face　as　she　said；　‘‘Good　night；　Mildred。''　　But　she　did　note　the　use　of　her　first　nameand　her　own　right　first　namefor　the　first　time　since　they　had　known　each　other。　　She　embraced　and　kissed　her　again。　　‘‘Good　night；　Cyrilla；''　she　said　gratefully。


As　she　entered　Jennings's　studio　the　next　day　he　looked　at　her；　and　when　Jennings　looked；　he　sawas　must　anyone　who　lives　well　by　playing　upon　human　nature。　He　did　not　like　her　expression。　　She　did　not　habitually　smile；　her　light…heartedness；　her　optimism；　did　not　show　themselves　in　that　inane　way。　　But　this　seriousness　of　hers　was　of　a　new　kind；　of　the　kind　that　bespeaks　sobriety　and　saneness　of　soul。　　And　that　kind　of　seriousness　the　deep；　inward　gravity　of　a　person　whose　days　of　trifling　with　themselves　and　with　the　facts　of　life；　and　of　being　trifled　with；　are　overwould　have　impressed　Jennings　equally　had　she　come　in　laughing；　had　her　every　word　been　a　jest。

‘‘No；　I　didn't　come　for　a　lessonat　least　not　the　usual　kind；''　said　she。

He　was　not　one　to　yield　without　a　struggle。　　Also　he　wished　to　feel　his　way　to　the　meaning　of　this　new　mood。　　He　put　her　music　on　the　rack。　　‘‘We'll　begin　where　we''

‘‘This　half…hour　of　your　time　is　mine；　is　it　not？''　said　she　quietly。　　‘‘Let's　not　waste　any　of　it。　　Yesterday　you　told　me　that　I　could　not　hope　to　make　a　career　because　my　voice　is　unreliable。　　Why　is　it　unreliable？''

‘‘Because　you　have　a　delicate　throat；''　replied　he；　yielding　at　once　where　he　instinctively　knew　he　could　not　win。

‘‘Then　why　can　I　sing　so　well　sometimes？''

‘‘Because　your　throat　is　in　good　condition　some　days　in　perfect　condition。''

‘‘It's　the　colds　thenand　the　slight　attacks　of　colds？''

‘‘Certainly。''

‘‘If　I　did　not　catch　coldsif　I　kept　perfectly　well　could　I　rely　on　my　voice？''

‘‘But　that's　impossible；''　said　he。

‘‘Why？''

‘‘You're　not　strong　enough。''

‘‘Then　I　haven't　the　physical　strength　for　a　career？''

‘‘Thatand　also　you　are　lacking　in　muscular　development。　　But　after　several　years　of　lessons''

‘‘If　I　developed　my　musclesif　I　became　strong''

‘‘Most　of　the　great　singers　come　from　the　lower　classesfrom　people　who　do　manual　labor。　　They　did　manual　labor　in　their　youth。　　You　girls　of　the　better　class　have　to　overcome　that　handicap。''

‘‘But　so　many　of　the　great　singers　are　fat。''

‘‘Yes；　and　under　that　fat　you'll　find　great　ropes　of　musclelike　a　blacksmith。''

‘‘What　Keith　meant；''　she　said。　　‘‘I　wonder　Why　do　I　catch　cold　so　easily？　　Why　do　I　almost　always　have　a　slight　catch　in　the　throat？　　Have　you　noticed　that　I　nearly　always　have　to　clear　my　throat　just　a　little？''

Her　expression　held　him。　　He　hesitated；　tried　to　evade；　gave　it　up。　　‘‘Until　that　passes；　you　can　never　hope　to　be　a　thoroughly　reliable　singer；''　said　he。

‘‘That　is；　I　can't　hope　to　make　a　career？''

His　silence　was　assent。

‘‘But　I　have　the　voice？''

‘‘You　have　the　voice。''

‘‘An　unusual　voice？''

‘‘Yes；　but　not　so　unusual　as　might　be　thought。　　As　a　matter　of　fact；　there　are　thousands　of　fine　voices。　The　trouble　is　in　reliability。　　Only　a　few　are　reliable。''

She　nodded　slowly　and　thoughtfully。　　‘‘I　begin　to　understand　what　Mr。　Keith　meant；''　she　said。　　‘‘I　begin　to　see　what　I　have　to　do；　and　howhow　impossible　it　is。''

‘‘By　no　means；''　declared　Jennings。　　‘‘If　I　did　not　think　otherwise；　I'd　not　be　giving　my　time　to　you。''

She　looked　at　him　gravely。　　His　eyes　shifted；　then　returned　defiantly；　aggressively。　　She　said：

‘‘You　can't　help　me　to　what　I　want。　　So　this　is　my　last　lessonfor　the　present。　　I　may　come　back　some　daywhen　I　am　ready　for　what　you　have　to　give。''

‘‘You　are　going　to　give　up？''

‘‘Oh；　nooh；　dear　me；　no；''　replied　she。　　‘‘I　realize　that　you're　laughing　in　your　sleeve　as　I　say　so；　because　you　think　I'll　never　get　anywhere。　　But　youand　Mr。　Keithmay　be　mistaken。''　　She　drew　from　her　muff　a　piece　of　musicthe　‘‘Batti　Batti；''　from　‘‘Don　Giovanni。''　　‘‘If　you　please；''　said　she；　‘‘we'll　spend　the　rest　of　my　time　in　going　over　this。　　I　want　to　be　able　to　sing　it　as　well　as　possible。''

He　looked　searchingly　at　her。　　‘‘If　you　wish；''　said　he。　　‘‘But　I　doubt　if　you'll　be　able　to　sing　at　all。''

‘‘On　the　contrary；　my　cold's　entirely　gone；''　replied　she。　　‘‘I　had　an　exciting　evening；　I　doctored　myself　before　I　went　to　bed；　and　three　or　four　times　in　the　night。　I　found；　this　morning；　that　I　could　sing。''

And　it　was　so。　　Never　had　she　sung　better。　　‘‘Like　a　true　artist！''　he　declared　with　an　enthusiasm　that　had　a　foundation　of　sincerity。　　‘‘You　know；　Miss　Stevens；　you　came　very　near　to　having　that　rarest　of　all　gifts　a　naturally　placed　voice。　　If　you　hadn't　had　singing　teachers　as　a　girl　to　make　you　self…conscious　and　to　teach　you　wrong；