the price she paid-第36章

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ce。　　If　you　hadn't　had　singing　teachers　as　a　girl　to　make　you　self…conscious　and　to　teach　you　wrong；　you'd　have　been　a　wonder。''

‘‘I　may　get　it　back；''　said　Mildred。

‘‘That　never　happens；''　replied　he。　　‘‘But　I　can　almost　do　it。''

He　coached　her　for　half　an　hour　straight　ahead；　sending　the　next　pupil　into　the　adjoining　rooman　unprecedented　transgression　of　routine。　　He　showed　her　for　the　first　time　what　a　teacher　he　could　be；　when　he　wished。　　There　was　an　astonishing　difference　between　her　first　singing　of　the　song　and　her　sixth　and　lastfor　they　went　through　it　carefully　five　times。　　She　thanked　him　and　then　put　out　her　hand；　saying：

‘‘This　is　a　long　good…by。''

‘‘To…morrow；''　replied　he；　ignoring　her　hand。

‘‘No。　　My　money　is　all　gone。　　Besides；　I　have　no　time　for　amateur　trifling。''

‘‘Your　lessons　are　paid　for　until　the　end　of　the　month。　　This　is　only　the　nineteenth。''

‘‘Then　you　are　so　much　in。''　　Again　she　put　out　her　hand。

He　took　it。　　‘‘You　owe　me　an　explanation。''

She　smiled　mockingly。　　‘‘As　a　friend　of　mine　says；　don't　ask　questions　to　which　you　already　know　the　answer。''

And　she　departed；　the　smile　still　on　her　charming　face；　but　the　new　seriousness　beneath　it。　　As　she　had　anticipated；　she　found　Stanley　Baird　waiting　for　her　in　the　drawing…room　of　the　apartment。　　Being　by　habit　much　interested　in　his　own　emotions　and　not　at　all　in　the　emotions　of　others；　he　saw　only　the　healthful　radiance　the　sharp　October　air　had　put　into　her　cheeks　and　eyes。　　Certainly；　to　look　at　Mildred　Gower　was　to　get　no　impression　of　lack　of　health　and　strength。　　Her　glance　wavered　a　little　at　sight　of　him；　then　the　expression　of　firmness　came　back。

‘‘You　look　like　that　picture　you　gave　me　a　long　time　ago；''　said　he。　　‘‘Do　you　remember　it？''

She　did　not。

‘‘It　has　adifferent　expression；''　he　went　on。　　‘‘I　don't　think　I'd　have　noticed　it　but　for　Keith。　　I　happened　to　show　it　to　him　one　day；　and　he　stared　at　it　in　that　way　he　hasyou　know？''

‘‘Yes；　I　know；''　said　Mildred。　　She　was　seeing　those　uncanny；　brilliant；　penetrating　eyes；　in　such　startling　contrast　to　the　calm；　lifeless　coloring　and　classic　chiseling　of　features。

‘‘And　after　a　while　he　said；　‘So；　THAT'S　Miss　Stevens！'　　And　I　asked　him　what　he　meant；　and　he　took　one　of　your　later　photos　and　put　the　two　side　by　side。　To　my　notion　the　later　was　a　lot　the　more　attractive；　for　the　face　was　rounder　and　softer　and　didn't　have　a　certain　kind　ofwell；　hardness；　as　if　you　had　a　will　and　could　ride　rough　shod。　　Not　that　you　look　so　frightfully　unattractive。''

‘‘I　remember　the　picture；''　interrupted　Mildred。　　‘‘It　was　taken　when　I　was　twentyjust　after　an　illness。''

‘‘The　face　WAS　thin；''　said　Stanley。　　‘‘Keith　called　it　a　‘give　away。'　''

‘‘I'd　like　to　see　it；''　said　Mildred。

‘‘I'll　try　to　find　it。　　But　I'm　afraid　I　can't。　　I　haven't　seen　it　since　I　showed　it　to　Keith；　and　when　I　hunted　for　it　the　other　day；　it　didn't　turn　up。　　I've　changed　valets　several　times　in　the　last　six　months''

But　Mildred　had　ceased　listening。　　Keith　had　seen　the　picture；　had　called　it　a　‘‘give　away；''　had　been　interested　in　itand　the　picture　had　disappeared。　　She　laughed　at　her　own　folly；　yet　she　was　glad　Stanley　had　given　her　this　chance　to　make　up　a　silly　day…dream。　She　waited　until　he　had　exhausted　himself　on　the　subject　of　valets；　their　drunkenness；　their　thievish　habits；　their　incompetence；　then　she　said：

‘‘I　took　my　last　lesson　from　Jennings　to…day。''

‘‘What's　the　matter？　　Do　you　want　to　change？　You　didn't　say　anything　about　it？　　Isn't　he　good？''

‘‘Good　enough。　　But　I've　discovered　that　my　voice　isn't　reliable；　and　unless　one　has　a　reliable　voice　there's　no　chance　for　a　grand…opera　careeror　for　comic　opera；　either。''

Stanley　was　straightway　all　agitation　and　protest。　‘‘Who　put　that　notion　in　your　head？　　There's　nothing　in　it；　Mildred。　　Jennings　is　crazy　about　your　voice；　and　he　knows。''

‘‘Jennings　is　after　the　money；''　replied　Mildred。　‘‘What　I'm　saying　is　the　truth。　　Stanley；　our　beautiful　dream　of　a　career　has　winked　out。''

His　expression　was　most　revealing。

‘‘And；''　she　went　on；　‘‘I'm　not　going　to　take　any　more　of　your　moneyand；　of　course；　I'll　pay　back　what　I've　borrowed　when　I　can''she　smiled‘‘which　may　not　be　very　soon。''

‘‘What's　all　this　about；　anyhow？''　demanded　he。　　‘‘I　don't　see　any　sign　of　it　in　your　face。　　You　wouldn't　take　it　so　coolly　if　it　were　so。''

‘‘I　don't　understand　why　I'm　not　wringing　my　hands　and　weeping；''　replied　she。　　‘‘Every　few　minutes　I　tell　myself　that　I　ought　to　be。　　But　I　stay　quite　calm。　　I　suppose　I'msort　of　stupefied。''

‘‘Do　you　really　mean　that　you've　given　up？''　cried　he。

‘‘It's　no　use　to　waste　the　money；　Stanley。　　I've　got　the　voice；　and　that's　what　deceived　us　all。　　But　there's　nothing　BEHIND　the　voice。　　With　a　great　singer　the　greatness　is　in　what's　behind　the　voice；　not　in　the　voice　itself。''

‘‘I　don't　believe　a　word　of　it；''　cried　he　violently。　‘‘You've　been　discouraged　by　a　little　cold。　　Everybody　has　colds。　　Why；　in　this　climate　the　colds　are　always　getting　the　Metropolitan　singers　down。''

‘‘But　they've　got　strong　throats；　and　my　throat's　delicate。''

‘‘You　must　go　to　a　better　climate。　　You　ought　to　be　abroad；　anyhow。　　That　was　part　of　my　planfor　us　to　go　abroad''　　He　stopped　in　confusion；　reddened；　went　bravely　on‘‘and　you　to　study　there　and　make　your　debut。''

Mildred　shook　her　head。　　‘‘That's　all　over；''　said　she。　‘‘I've　got　to　change　my　plans　entirely。''

‘‘You're　a　little　depressed；　that's　all。　　For　a　minute　you　almost　convinced　me。　　What　a　turn　you　did　give　me！　　I　forgot　how　your　voice　sounded　the　last　time　I　heard　it。　　No；　you'd　not　be　so　calm；　if　you　didn't　know　everything　was　all　right。''

Her　eyes　lit　up　with　sly　humor。　　‘‘Perhaps　I'm　calm　because　I　feel　that　my　future's　secure　as　your　wife。　What　more　could　a　woman　ask？''

He　forced　an　uncomfortable　laugh。　　‘‘Of　course　of　course；''　he　said　with　a　painful　effort　to　be　easy　and　jocose。

‘‘I　knew　you'd　marry　me；　even　if　I　couldn't　sing　a　note。　　I　knew　your　belief　in　my　career　had　nothing　to　do　with　it。''

He　hesitated；　blurted　out　the　truth。　　‘‘Speaking　seriously；　that　isn't　quite　so；''　said　he。　　‘‘I've　got　my　heart　set　on　your　making　a　great　tearand　I　know　you'll　do　it。''

‘‘And　if　you　knew　I　wouldn't；　you'd　not　want　to　marry　me？''

‘‘I　don't　say　that；''　protested　he。　　‘‘How　can　I　say　how　I'd　feel　if　you　were　different？''

She　nodded。　　‘‘That's　sensible；　and　it's　candid；''　she　said。　　She　laid　her　hand　impulsively　on　his　arm。　　‘‘I　DO　like　you；　Stanley。　　You　have　got　such　a　lot　of　good　qualities。　　Don't　worry。　　I'm　not　going　to　insist　on　your　marrying　me。''

‘‘You　don't　have　to　do　that；　Mildred；''　said　he。　‘‘I'm　staring；　raving　crazy　about　you；　though　I'm　a　damn　fool　to　let　you　know　it。''

‘‘Yes；　it　is　foolish；''　said　she。　　‘‘If　you'd　kept　me　worrying　　Still；　I　guess　not。　　But　it　doesn't　matter。　You　can　protest　and　urge　all　you　please；　quite　safely。　I'm　not　going　to　marry　you。　　Now　let's　talk　business。''

‘‘Let's　talk　marriage；''　said　he。　　‘‘I　want　this　thing　settled。　　You　know　you　intend　to　marry　me；　Mildred。　Why　not　say　so？　　Why　keep　me　gasping　on　the　hook？''

They　heard　the　front　door　open；　and　the　rustling　of　skirts　down　the　hall。　　Mildred　called：

‘‘Mrs。　Brindley！　　Cyrilla！''

An　instant　and　Cyrilla　appeared　in　the　doorway。　When　she　and　Baird　had　shaken　hands；　Mildred　said：

‘‘Cyrilla；　I　want　you　to　tell　the　exact；　honest　truth。　Is　there　any　hope　for　a　woman　with　a　delicate　throat　to　make　a　grand…opera　career？''

Cyrilla　paled；　looked　pleadingly　at　Mildred。

‘‘Tell　him；''　commanded　Mildred。

‘‘Very　little；''　said　Mrs。　Brindley。　　‘‘But''

‘‘Don't　try　to　soften　it；''　interrupted　Mildred。　‘‘The　truth；　the　plain　truth。''

‘‘You've　no　right　to　draw　me　into　this；''　cried　Cyrilla　indignantly；　and　she　started　to　leave　the　room。

‘‘I　want　him　to　know；''　said　Mildred。　　‘‘And　he　wants　to　know。''

‘‘I　refuse　to　be　drawn　into　it；''　Cyrilla　said；　and　disappeared。

But　Mildred　saw　that　Stanley　had　been　shaken。　　She　proceeded　to　explain　to　him　at　length　what　a　singer's　career　meantthe　hardships；　the　drafts　on　health　and　strength；　the　absolute　necessity　of　being　reliable；　of　singing　true；　of　not　disappointing　audienceswhat　a　delicate　throat　meanthow　delicate　her　throat　was　how　deficient　she　was　in　the　kind　of　physical　strength　neededmuscular　power　with　endurance　back　of　it。　When　she　finished　he　understood。

‘‘I'd　always　thought　of　it　as　an　art；''　he　said　ruefully。　　‘‘Why；　it's　mostly　health　and　muscles　and　things　that　have　nothing　to　do　with　music。''　　He　was　dazed　and　offended　by　this　uncovering　of　the　mechanism　of　the　artby　the　discovery　of　the　coarse　and　painful　toil；　the　grossly　physical　basis；　of　what　had　seemed　to　him　all　idealism。　　He　had　been　full　of　the　delusions　of　spontaneity　and　inspiration；　like　all　laymen；　and　all　artists；　too；　except　those　of　the　higher　ranksthose　who　have　fought　their　way　up　to　the　heights　and；　so；　have　learned　that　one　does　not　achieve　them　by　being　caught　up　to　them　gloriously　in　a　fiery　cloud；　but　by　doggedly　and　dirtily　and　sweatily　toiling　over　every　inch　of　the　cruel　climb。

He　sat　silent　when　she　had　finished。　　She　waited；　then　said：

‘‘Now；　you　see。　　I　release　you；　and　I'll　take　no　more　money　to　waste。''

He　looked　at　her　with　dumb　misery　that　smote　her　heart。　　Then　his　expression　changedto　the　shining；　hungry　eyes；　the　swollen　veins；　the　reddened　countenance；　the　watering　lips　of　desire。　　He　seized　her　in　his　arms；　and　in　a　voice　trembling　with　passion；　he　cried：　‘‘You　must　marry　me；　anyhow！　　I've　GOT　to　have　you；　Mildred。''

If　she　had　loved　him；　his　expression；　his　impassioned　voice　would　have　thrilled　her。　　But　she　did　not　love　him。　It　took　all　her　liking　for　him；　and　the　memory　of　all　she　owed　himthat　unpaid　debt！to　enable　her　to　push　him　away　gently　and　to　say　without　any　show　of　the　repulsion　she　felt：

‘‘Stanley；　you　mustn't　do　that。　　And　it's　useless　to　talk　of　marriage。　　You're　generous；　so　you　are　taking　pity　on　me。　　But　believe　me；　I'll　get　along　somehow。''

‘‘Pity？　　I　tell　you　I　love　you；''　he　cried；　catching　desperately　at　her　hands　and　holding　them　in　a　grip　she　could　not　break。　　‘‘You've　no　right　to　treat　me　like　this。''

It　was　one　of　those　veiled　and　stealthy　reminders　of　obligation　habitually　indulged　in　by　delicate　people　seeking　repayment　of　the　debt；　but　shunning　the　coarseness　of　direct　demand。　　Mildred　saw　her　opportunity。　Said　she　quietly：

‘‘You　mean　you　want　me　to　give　myself　to　you　in　payment；　or　part　payment；　for　the　money　you've　loaned　me？''

He　released　her　hands　and　sprang　up。　　He　had　meant　just　that；　but　he　had　not　had　the　courage；　or　the　meanness；　or　both；　to　admit　boldly　his　own　secret　wish。　She　had　calculated　on　thishad　calculated　well。　‘‘Mildred！''　he　cried　in　a　shocked　voice。　　‘‘YOU　so　lacking　in　delicacy　as　to　say　such　a　thing！''

‘‘If　you　didn't　mean　that；　Stanley；　what　DID　you　mean？''

‘‘I　was　appealing　to　our　friendshipourour　love　for　each　other。''

‘‘Then　you　should　have　waited　until　I　was　free。''

‘‘Good　God！''　he　cried；　‘‘don't　you　see　that's　hopeless？　　Mildred；　be　sensiblebe　merciful。''

‘‘I　shall　never　marry　a　man　when　he　could　justly　suspect　I　did　it　to　live　off　him。''

‘‘What　an　idea！