the price she paid-第39章

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ld　never　have　done　it　in　that　way。　　I'd　simply　have　kept　on　bluffing；　fooling　myself；　putting　off　and　putting　of。　　I　had　to　jump　into　the　water　with　nobody　near　to　help　me；　or　I'd　never　have　begun　to　learn　to　swim。　　I　haven't　begun　yet。　　I　may　never　learn　to　swim。　　I　may　drown。　Yes；　I　probably　shall　drown。''

She　wandered　aimlessly　onaround　the　upper　reservoir　where　the　strong　breeze　freshened　her　through　and　through　and　made　her　feel　less　forlorn　in　spite　of　her　chicken　heart。　　She　crossed　the　bridge　at　the　lower　end　and　came　down　toward　the　East　Drive。　　A　taxicab　rushed　by；　not　so　fast；　however；　that　she　failed　to　recognize　Donald　Keith　and　Cyrilla　Brindley。　　They　were　talking　so　earnestlyKeith　was　talking；　for　a　wonder；　and　Mrs。　Brindley　listeningthat　they　did　not　see　her。　　She　went　straight　home。　　But　as　she　was　afoot；　the　journey　took　about　half　an　hour。　　Cyrilla　was　already　there；　in　a　negligee；　looking　as　if　she　had　not　been　out　of　the　little　library　for　hours。　　She　was　writing　a　letter。　　Mildred　strolled　in　and　seated　herself。　Cyrilla　went　on　writing。　　Mildred　watched　her　impatiently。　　She　wished　to　talk；　to　be　talked　to；　to　be　consoled　and　cheered；　to　hear　about　Donald　Keith。　　Would　that　letter　never　be　finished？　　At　last　it　was；　and　Cyrilla　took　a　book　and　settled　herself　to　reading。　　There　was　a　vague　something　in　her　mannera　change；　an　attitude　toward　Mildredthat　disturbed　Mildred。　　Or；　was　that　notion　of　a　change　merely　the　offspring　of　her　own　somber　mood？　　Seeing　that　Mrs。　Brindley　would　not　begin；　she　broke　the　silence　herself。　　Said　she　awkwardly：

‘‘I've　decided　to　move。　　In　fact；　I've　got　to　move。''

Cyrilla　laid　down　the　book　and　regarded　her　tran…　quilly。　　‘‘Of　course；''　said　she。　　‘‘I've　already　begun　to　arrange　for　someone　else。''

Mildred　choked；　and　the　tears　welled　into　her　eyes。　She　had　not　been　mistaken；　Cyrilla　had　changed　toward　her。　　Now　that　she　had　no　prospects　for　a　brilliant　career；　now　that　her　money　was　gone；　Cyrilla　had　begun　toto　be　human。　　No　doubt；　in　the　course　of　that　drive；　Cyrilla　had　discovered　that　Keith　had　no　interest　in　her　either。　　Mildred　beat　down　her　emotion　and　was　soon　able　to　say　in　a　voice　as　unconcerned　as　Cyrilla's：

‘‘I'll　find　a　place　to…morrow　or　next　day；　and　go　at　once。''

‘‘I'll　be　sorry　to　lose　you；''　said　Mrs。　Brindley；　‘‘but　I　agree　with　you　that　you　can't　get　settled　any　too　soon。''

‘‘You　don't　happen　to　know　of　any　cheap；　good　place？''　said　Mildred。

‘‘If　it's　cheap；　I　don't　think　it's　likely　to　be　good　in　New　York；''　replied　Cyrilla。　　‘‘You'll　have　to　put　up　with　inconveniencesand　worse。　　I'd　offer　to　help　you　find　a　place；　but　I　think　everything　self…reliant　one　does　helps　one　to　learn。　　Don't　you？''

‘‘Yes；　indeed；''　assented　Mildred。　　The　thing　was　self…evidently　true；　still　she　began　to　hate　Cyrilla。　This　cold…hearted　New　York！　　How　she　would　grind　down　her　heel　when　she　got　it　on　the　neck　of　New　York！　Friendship；　love；　helpfulnesswhat　did　New　York　and　New…Yorkers　know　of　these　things？　　‘‘Or　Hanging　Rock；　either；''　reflected　she。　　What　a　cold　and　lonely　world！

‘‘Have　you　been　to　see　about　a　position？''　inquired　Cyrilla。

Mildred　was　thrown　into　confusion。　　‘‘I　can't　go　for　aday　or　so；''　she　stammered。　　‘‘The　changeable　weather　has　rather　upset　my　throat。　　Nothing　serious；　but　I　want　to　be　at　my　best。''

‘‘Certainly；''　said　Mrs。　Brindley。　　Her　direct　gaze　made　Mildred　uncomfortable。　　She　went　on：　　‘‘You're　sure　it's　the　weather？''

‘‘What　else　could　it　be？''　demanded　Mildred　with　a　latent　resentment　whose　interesting　origin　she　did　not　pause　to　inquire　into。

‘‘Well；　salad；　or　sauces；　or　desserts；　or　cafe　au　lait　in　the　morning；　or　candy；　or　tea；''　said　Cyrilla。　　‘‘Or　it　might　be　cigarettes；　or　all　those　thingsand　thin　stockings　and　low　shoesmightn't　it？''

Never　before　had　she　known　Cyrilla　to　say　anything　meddlesome　or　cattish。　　Said　Mildred　with　a　faint　sneer；　‘‘That　sounds　like　Mr。　Keith's　crankiness。''

‘‘It　is；''　replied　Cyrilla。　　‘‘I　used　to　think　he　was　a　crank　on　the　subject　of　singing　and　stomachs；　and　singing　and　ankles。　　But　I've　been　convinced；　partly　by　him；　mostly　by　what　I've　observed。''

Mildred　maintained　an　icy　silence。

‘‘I　see　you　are　resenting　what　I　said；''　observed　Cyrilla。

‘‘Not　at　all；''　said　Mildred。　　‘‘No　doubt　you　meant　well。''

‘‘You　will　please　remember　that　you　asked　me　a　question。''

So　she　had。　　But　the　discovery　that　she　was　clearly　in　the　wrong；　that　she　had　invited　the　disguised　lecture；　only　aggravated　her　sense　of　resentment　against　Mrs。　Brindley。　　She　spent　the　rest　of　the　afternoon　in　sorting　and　packing　her　belongingsand　in　crying。　　She　came　upon　the　paper　Donald　Keith　had　left。　　She　read　it　through　carefully；　thoughtfully；　read　it　to　the　last　direction　as　to　exercise　with　the　machine；　the　last　arrangement　for　a　daily　routine　of　life；　the　last　suggestion　as　to　diet。

‘‘Fortunately　all　that　isn't　necessary；''　said　she　to　herself；　when　she　had　finished。　　‘‘If　it　were；　I　could　never　make　a　career。　　I'm　not　stupid　enough　to　be　able　to　lead　that　kind　of　life。　　Why；　I'd　not　care　to　make　a　career；　at　that　price。　　Slaveryplain　slavery。''

When　she　went　in　to　dinner；　she　saw　instantly　that　Cyrilla　too　had　been　crying。　　Cyrilla　did　not　look　old；　anything　but　that；　indeed　was　not　old　and　would　not　begin　to　be　for　many　a　year。　　Still；　after　thirty…five　or　forty　a　woman　cannot　indulge　a　good　cry　without　its　leaving　serious　traces　that　will　show　hours　afterward。　At　sight　of　the　evidences　of　Cyrilla's　grief　Mildred　straightway　forgot　her　resentment。　　There　must　have　been　some　other　cause　for　Cyrilla's　peculiar　conduct。　No　matter　what；　since　it　was　not　hardness　of　heart。

It　was　a　sad；　even　a　gloomy　dinner。　　But　the　two　women　were　once　more　in　perfect　sympathy。　　And　afterward　Mildred　brought　the　Keith　paper　and　asked　Cyrilla's　opinion。　　Cyrilla　read　slowly　and　without　comment。　　At　last　she　said：

‘‘He　got　this　from　his　mother；　Lucia　Rivi。　　Have　you　read　her　life？''

‘‘No。　　I've　heard　almost　nothing　about　her；　except　that　she　was　famous。''

‘‘She　was　more　than　that；''　said　Mrs。　Brindley。　‘‘She　was　great；　a　great　personality。　　She　was　an　almost　sickly　child　and　girl。　　Her　first　attempts　on　the　stage　were　humiliating　failures。　　She　had　no　health；　no　endurance；　nothing　but　a　small　voice　of　rare　quality。''　Cyrilla　held　up　the　paper。　　‘‘This　tells　how　she　became　one　of　the　surest　and　most　powerful　dramatic　sopranos　that　ever　lived。''

‘‘She　must　have　been　a　dull　person　to　have　been　able　to　lead　the　kind　of　life　that's　described　there；''　said　Mildred。

‘‘Only　two　kinds　of　persons　could　do　it；''　replied　Cyrilla‘‘a　dull　persona　plodderand　a　genius。　Middling　peoplethey're　the　kind　that　fill　the　world；　they're　you　and　I；　my　dearmiddling　people　have　to　fuss　with　the　trifles　that　must　be　sacrificed　if　one　is　to　do　anything　big。　　You　call　those　trifles　your　freedom；　but　they're　your　slavery。　　And　by　sacrificing　them　the　Lucia　Rivis　buy　their　freedom。''　　Cyrilla　looked　at　the　paper　with　a　heavy　sigh。　　‘‘Ah；　I　wish　I　had　seen　this　when　I　was　your　age。　　Now；　it's　too　late。''

Said　Mildred：　　‘‘Would　you　seriously　advise　me　to　try　that？''

Cyrilla　came　and　sat　beside　her　and　put　an　arm　around　her。　　‘‘Mildred；''　she　said；　‘‘I've　never　thrust　advice　on　you。　　I　only　dare　do　it　now　because　you　ask　me；　and　because　I　love　you。　　You　must　try　it。　　It's　your　one　chance。　　If　you　do　not；　you　will　fail。　　You　don't　believe　me？''

In　a　tone　that　was　admission；　Mildred　said：　　‘‘I　don't　know。''

‘‘Keith　has　given　you　there　the　secret　of　a　successful　career。　　You'll　never　read　it　in　any　book；　or　get　it　from　any　teacher；　or　from　any　singer　or　manager　or　doctor。　　You　must　live　like　that；　you　must　do　those　things　or　you　will　fail　even　in　musical　comedy。　　You　would　fail　even　as　an　actress；　if　you　tried　that；　when　you　found　out　that　the　singing　was　out　of　the　question。''

Mildred　was　impressed。　　Perhaps　she　would　have　been　more　impressed　had　she　not　seen　Keith　and　Mrs。　Brindley　in　the　taxi；　Keith　talking　earnestly　and　Mrs。　Brindley　listening　as　if　to　an　oracle。　　Said　she：　‘‘Perhaps　I'll　adopt　some　of　the　suggestions。''

Cyrilla　shook　her　head。　　‘‘It's　a　route　to　success。　You　must　go　the　whole　route　or　not　at　all。''

‘‘Don't　forget　that　there　have　been　other　singers　besides　Rivi。''

‘‘Not　any　that　I　recall　who　weren't　naturally　powerful　in　every　way。　　And　how　many　of　them　break　down？　Mildred；　please　do　put　the　silly　nonsense　about　nerves　and　temperament　and　inspiration　and　overwork　and　weather　and　climateput　all　that　out　of　your　head。　Build　your　temple　of　a　career　as　high　and　graceful　and　delicate　as　you　like；　but　build　it　on　the　coarse；　hard；　solid　rock；　dear！''

Mildred　tried　to　laugh　lightly。　　‘‘How　Mr。　Keith　does　hypnotize　people！''　cried　she。

Mrs。　Brindley's　cheeks　burned；　and　her　eyes　lowered　in　acute　embarrassment。　　‘‘He　has　a　way　of　being　splendidly　and　sensibly　right；''　said　she。　　‘‘And　the　truth　is　wonderfully　convincingonce　one　sees　it。''　She　changed　the　subject；　and　it　did　not　come　upor；　perhaps；　come　OUT　againbefore　they　went　to　bed。　The　next　day　Mildred　began　the　depressing；　hopeless　search　for　a　place　to　live　that　would　be　clean；　comfortable；　and　cheap。　　Those　three　adjectives　describe　the　ideal　lodging；　but　it　will　be　noted　that　all　these　are　relative。　　In　fact；　none　of　the　three　means　exactly　the　same　thing　to　any　two　members　of　the　human　family。　Mildred's　notion　of　cleanlike　her　notion　of　comfortableon　account　of　her　bringing　up　implied　a　large　element　of　luxury。　　As　for　the　word　‘‘cheap；''　it　really　meant　nothing　at　all　to　her。　　From　one　stand…　point　everything　seemed　cheap；　from　another；　everything　seemed　dear；　that　is；　too　dear　for　a　young　woman　with　less　than　five　hundred　dollars　in　the　world　and　no　substantial　prospect　of　getting　a　single　dollar　more　unless　by　hook　and　crook；　both　of　which　means　she　was　resolved　not　to　employ。

Never　having　earned　so　much　as　a　single　penny；　the　idea　of　anyone's　giving　her　anything　for　what　she　might　be　able　to　do　was　disturbingly　vague　and　unreal。　On　the　other　hand；　looking　about　her；　she　saw　scores　of　men　and　women；　personally　known　to　her　to　be　dull　of　conversation；　and　not　well　mannered　or　well　dressed　or　well　anything；　who　were　making　livings　without　overwhelming　difficulty。　　Why　not　Mildred　Gower？　　In　this　view　the　outlook　was　not　discouraging。　　‘‘I'll　no　doubt　go　through　some　discomfort；　getting　myself　placed。　　But　somewhere　and　somehow　I　shall　be　placed　and　how　I　shall　revenge　myself　on　Donald　Keith！''　His　fascination　for　her　had　not　been　destroyed　by　his　humiliating　lack　of　belief　in　her；　nor　by　his　cold…hearted　desertion　at　just　the　critical　moment。　　But　his　conduct　had　given　her　the　incentive　of　rage；　of　stung　vanity　or　wounded　pride；　if　you　prefer。　　She　would　get　him　back；　she　would　force　him　to　admit；　she　would　win　him；　if　she　couldand　that　ought　not　to　be　difficult　when　she　should　be　successful。　　Having　won　him；　then　What　then？　　Something　superb　in　the　way　of　revenge；　she　would　decide　what；　when　the　hour　of　triumph　came。　Meanwhile　she　must　search　for　lodgings。

In　her　journeyings　under　the　guidance　of　attractive　advertisements　and　‘‘carefully　selected''　agents'　lists；　she　found　herself　in　front　of　her　first　lodgings　in　New　Yorkthe　hous