the price she paid-第48章

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ccess。''

‘‘Yes；　you　made　me　throw　away　the　crutches　and　try　to　walk。''

‘‘It　was　hard　to　do　that。　　Those　strains　are　very　wearing　at　my　time　of　life。''

‘‘You　never　were　any　younger；　and　you'll　never　be　any　older；''　laughed　she。　　‘‘That's　your　charmone　of　them。''

‘‘Mildred；　do　you　still　care？''

‘‘How　did　you　know？''　inquired　she　mockingly。

‘‘You　didn't　try　to　conceal　it。　　I'd　not　have　ventured　to　say　and　do　the　things　I　said　and　did　if　I　hadn't　felt　that　we　cared　for　each　other。　　But；　so　long　as　you　were　leading　that　fatuous　life　and　dreaming　those　foolish　dreams；　I　knew　we　could　never　be　happy。''

‘‘That　is　trueoh；　SO　true；''　replied　she。

‘‘But　nowyou　have　tried；　and　that　has　made　a　woman　of　you。　　And　you　have　failed；　and　that　has　made　you　ready　to　be　a　wifeto　be　happy　in　the　quiet；　private　ways。''

She　was　silent。

‘‘I　can　make　enough　for　us　bothas　much　as　we　will　need　or　wantas　much　as　you　please；　if　you　aren't　too　extravagant。　　And　I　can　do　it　easily。　　It's　making　little　sumsa　small　incomethat's　hard　in　this　ridiculous　world。　　Let's　marry；　go　to　California　or　Europe　for　several　months；　then　come　back　here　and　live　like　human　beings。''

She　was　silent。　　Block　after　block　they　walked　along；　as　if　neither　had　anything　especial　in　mind；　anything　worth　the　trouble　of　speech。　　Finally　he　said：

‘‘Well？''

‘‘I　can't　answeryet；''　said　she。　　‘‘Not　to…day　not　till　I've　thought。''

She　glanced　quickly　at　him。　　Over　his　impassive　face；　so　beautifully　regular　and；　to　her；　so　fascinating；　there　passed　a　quick　dark　shadow；　and　she　knew　that　he　was　suffering。　　He　laughed　quietly；　his　old　careless；　indifferent　laugh。

‘‘Oh；　yes；　you　can　answer；''　said　he。　　‘‘You　have　answered。''

She　drew　in　her　breath　sharply。

‘‘You　have　refused。''

‘‘Why　do　you　say　that；　Donald？''　she　pleaded。

‘‘To　hesitate　over　a　proposal　is　to　refuse；''　said　he　with　gentle　raillery。　　‘‘A　man　is　a　fool　who　does　not　understand　and　sheer　off　when　a　woman　asks　for　time。''

‘‘You　know　that　I　love　you；''　she　cried。

‘‘I　also　know　that　you　love　something　else　more。　But　it's　finished。　　Let's　talk　about　something　else。''

‘‘Won't　you　let　me　tell　you　why　I　hesitate？''　begged　she。

‘‘It　doesn't　matter。''

‘‘But　it　does。　　Yes；　I　do　refuse；　Donald。　　I'll　never　marry　you　until　I　am　independent。　　You　said　a　while　ago　that　what　I've　been　through　had　made　a　woman　of　me。　　Not　yet。　　I'm　only　beginning。　　I'm　still　weak　still　a　coward。　　Donald；　I　must　and　will　be　free。''

He　looked　full　at　her；　with　a　strange　smile　in　his　brilliant　eyes。　　Said　he；　with　obvious　intent　to　change　the　subject：　　‘‘Mrs。　Brindley's　very　unhappy　that　you　haven't　been　to　see　her。''

‘‘When　you　asked　me　to　marry　you；　the　only　reason　I　almost　accepted　was　because　I　want　someone　to　support　me。　　I　love　youyes。　　But　it　is　as　one　loves　before　one　has　given　oneself　and　has　lived　the　same　life　with　another。　　In　the　ordinary　sense；　it's　love　that　I　feel。　　Butdo　you　understand　me；　dearest？in　another　sense；　it's　only　the　hope　of　love；　the　belief　that　love　will　come。''

He　stopped　short　and　looked　at　her；　his　eyes　alive　with　the　stimulus　of　a　new　and　startling　idea。

‘‘If　you　and　I　had　been　everything　to　each　other；　and　you　were　saying　‘Let　us　go　on　living　the　one　life'　and　I　were　hesitating；　then　you'd　be　right。　　And　I　couldn't　hesitate；　Donald。　　If　you　were　mine；　nothing　could　make　me　give　you　up；　but　when　it's　only　the　hope　of　having　you；　then　pride　and　self…respect　have　a　chance　to　be　heard。''

He　was　ready　to　move　on。　　‘‘There's　something　in　that；''　said　he；　lapsed　into　his　usual　seeming　of　impassiveness。　　‘‘But　not　much。''

‘‘I　never　before　knew　you　to　fail　to　understand。''

‘‘I　understand　perfectly。　　You　care；　but　you　don't　care　enough　to　suit　me。　　I　haven't　waited　all　these　years　before　giving　a　woman　my　love；　to　be　content　with　a　love　seated　quietly　and　demurely　between　pride　and　self…　respect。''

‘‘You　wouldn't　marry　me　until　I　had　failed；''　said　she　shrewdly。　　‘‘Now　you　attack　me　for　refusing　to　marry　you　until　I've　succeeded。''

A　slight　shrug。　　‘‘Proposal　withdrawn；''　said　he。　‘‘Now　let's　talk　about　your　career；　your　plans。''

‘‘I'm　beginning　to　understand　myself　a　little；''　said　she。　　‘‘I　suppose　you　think　that　sort　of　personal　talk　is　very　silly　and　vainand　trivial。''

‘‘On　the　contrary；''　replied　he；　‘‘it　isn't　absolutely　necessary　to　understand　oneself。　　One　is　swept　on　in　the　same　general　direction；　anyhow。　　But　understanding　helps　one　to　go　faster　and　steadier。''

‘‘It　began；　away　back；　when　I　was　a　girlthis　idea　of　a　career。　　I　envied　men　and　despised　women；　the　sort　of　women　I　knew　and　met　with。　　I　didn't　realize　why；　then。　　But　it　was　because　a　man　had　a　chance　to　be　somebody　in　himself　and　to　do　something；　while　a　woman　was　just　aa　more　or　less　ornamental　belonging　of　some　man'swhat　you　want　me　to　become　now。''

‘‘As　far　as　possible　from　my　idea。''

‘‘Don't　you　want　me　to　belong　to　you？''

‘‘As　I　belong　to　you。''

‘‘That　sounds　well；　but　it　isn't　what　could　happen。　The　fact　is；　Donald；　that　I　want　to　belong　to　you　want　to　be　owned　by　you　and　to　lose　myself　in　you。　And　it's　that　I'm　fighting。''

She　felt　the　look　he　was　bending　upon　her；　and　glowed　and　colored　under　it；　but　did　not　dare　to　turn　her　eyes　to　meet　it。　　Said　he：　　‘‘Why　fight　it？　　Why　not　be　happy？''

‘‘Ah；　but　that's　just　it；''　cried　she。　　‘‘I　shouldn't　be　happy。　　And　I　should　make　you　miserable。　　The　idea　of　a　careerthe　idea　that's　rooted　deep　in　me　and　can't　ever　be　got　out；　Donald；　it　would　torment　me。　　You　couldn't　kill　it；　no　matter　how　much　you　loved　me。　　I'd　yield　for　the　time。　　Then；　I'd　go　back　or；　if　I　didn't；　I'd　be　wretched　and　make　you　wish　you'd　never　seen　me。''

‘‘I　understand；''　said　he。　　‘‘I　don't　believe　it；　but　I　understand。''

‘‘You　think　I'm　deceiving　myself；　because　you　saw　me　wasting　my　life；　playing　the　idler　and　the　fool；　pretending　I　was　working　toward　a　career　when　I　was　really　making　myself　fit　for　nothing　but　to　be　Stanley　Baird's　mistress。''

‘‘And　you're　still　deceiving　yourself。　　You　won't　see　the　truth。''

‘‘No　matter；''　said　she。　　‘‘I　must　go　on　and　make　a　careersome　kind　of　a　career。''

‘‘At　what？''

‘‘At　grand　opera。''

‘‘How'll　you　get　the　money？''

‘‘Of　Stanley；　if　necessary。　　That's　why　I　asked　his　address。　　I　shan't　ask　for　much。　　He'll　not　refuse。''

‘‘A　few　minutes　ago　you　were　talking　of　self…　respect。''

‘‘As　something　I　hoped　to　get。　　It　comes　with　independence。　　I'll　pay　any　price　to　get　it。''

‘‘Any　price？''　said　he；　and　never　before　had　she　seen　his　self…control　in　danger。

‘‘I　shan't　ask　Stanley　until　my　other　plans　have　failed。''

‘‘What　other　plans？''

‘‘I　am　going　to　ask　Mrs。　Belloc　for　the　money。　　She　could　afford　to　giveto　lendthe　little　I'd　want。　I'm　going　to　ask　her　in　such　a　way　that　it　will　be　as　hard　as　possible　for　her　to　refuse。　　That　isn't　ladylike；　butI've　dropped　out　of　the　lady　class。''

‘‘And　if　she　refuses？''

‘‘Then　I'll　go　one　after　another　to　several　very　rich　men　I　know；　and　ask　them　as　a　business　proposition。''

‘‘Go　in　person；''　advised　he　with　an　undisguised　sneer。

‘‘I'll　raise　no　false　hopes　in　them；''　she　said。　　‘‘If　they　choose　to　delude　themselves；　I'll　not　go　out　of　my　way　to　undeceive　themuntil　I　have　to。''

‘‘So　THIS　is　Mildred　Gower？''

‘‘You　made　that　remark　before。''

‘‘Really？''

‘‘When　Stanley　showed　you　a　certain　photograph　of　me。''

‘‘I　remember。　　This　is　the　same　woman。''

‘‘It's　me；''　laughed　she。　　‘‘The　real　me。　　You'd　not　care　to　be　married　to　her？''

‘‘No；''　said　he。　　Then；　after　a　brief　silence：　　‘‘Yet；　curiously；　it　was　that　woman　with　whom　I　fell　in　love。　No；　not　exactly　in　love；　for　I've　been　thinking　about　what　you　said　as　to　the　difference　between　love　in　posse　and　love　in　esse；　to　put　it　scientificallybetween　love　as　a　prospect　and　love　as　a　reality。''

‘‘And　I　was　right；''　said　she。　　‘‘It　explains　why　marriages　go　to　pieces　and　affairs　come　to　grief。　　Those　lovers　mistook　love's　promise　to　come　for　fulfillment。　Love　doesn't　die。　　It　simply　fails　to　comedoesn't　redeem　its　promise。''

‘‘That's　the　way　it　might　be　with　us；''　said　he。　‘‘That's　the　way　it　would　be　with　us；''　rejoined　she。

He　did　not　answer。　　When　they　spoke　again　it　was　of　indifferent　matters。　　An　hour　and　a　half　after　they　started；　they　were　at　Mrs。　Belloc's　again。　　She　asked　him　to　have　tea　in　the　restaurant　next　door。　　He　declined。　　He　went　up　the　steps　with　her；　said：

‘‘Well；　I　wish　you　luck。　　Moldini　is　the　best　teacher　in　America。''

‘‘How　did　you　know　Moldini　was　to　teach　me？''　exclaimed　she。

He　smiled；　put　out　his　hand　in　farewell。　　‘‘Crossley　told　me。　　Good…by。''

‘‘He　told　Crossley！　　I　wonder　why。''　　She　was　so　interested　in　this　new　phase　that　she　did　not　see　his　outstretched　hand；　or　the　look　of　bitter　irony　that　came　into　his　eyes　at　this　proof　of　the　subordinate　place　love　and　he　had　in　her　thoughts。

‘‘I'm　nervous　and　anxious；''　she　said　apologetically。　‘‘Moldini　told　me　he　had　some　scheme　about　getting　the　money。　　If　he　only　could！　　But　no　such　luck　for　me；''　she　added　sadly。

Keith　hesitated；　debated　with　himself；　said：　　‘‘You　needn't　worry。　　Moldini　got　itfrom　Crossley。　Fifty　dollars　a　week　for　a　year。''

‘‘You　got　Crossley　to　do　it？''

‘‘No。　　He　had　done　it　before　I　saw　him。　　He　had　just　promised　Moldini　and　was　cursing　himself　as　‘weak　and　soft。'　　But　that　means　nothing。　　You　may　be　sure　he　did　it　because　Moldini　convinced　him　it　was　a　good　speculation。''

She　was　radiant。　　She　had　not　vanity　enough　where　he　was　concerned　to　believe　that　he　deeply　cared；　that　her　joy　would　give　him　pain　because　it　meant　forgetfulness　of　him。　　Nor　was　she　much　impressed　by　the　expression　of　his　eyes。　　And　even　as　she　hurt　him；　she　made　him　love　her　the　more；　for　he　appreciated　how　rare　was　the　woman　who；　in　such　circumstances；　does　not　feed　her　vanity　with　pity　for　the　poor　man　suffering　so　horribly　because　he　is　not　to　get　her　precious　self。

It　flashed　upon　her　why　he　had　not　offered　to　help　her。　　‘‘There　isn't　anybody　like　you；''　said　she；　with　no　explanation　of　her　apparent　irrelevancy。

‘‘Don't　let　Moldini　see　that　you　know；''　said　he；　with　characteristic　fine　thoughtfulness　for　others　in　the　midst　of　his　own　unhappiness。　　‘‘It　would　deprive　him　of　a　great　pleasure。''

He　was　about　to　go。　　Suddenly　her　eyes　filled　and；　opening　the　outer　door；　she　drew　him　in。　　‘‘Donald；''　she　said；　‘‘I　love　you。　　Take　me　in　your　arms　and　make　me　behave。''

He　looked　past　her；　his　arms　hung　at　his　sides。　　Said　he：　　‘‘And　to…night　I'd　get　a　note　by　messenger　saying　that　you　had　taken　it　all　back。　　No；　the　girl　in　the　photographthat　was　you。　　She　wasn't　made　to　be　MY　wife。　　Or　I　to　be　her　husband。　　I　love　you　because　you　are　what　you　are。　　I　should　not　love　you　if　you　were　the　ordinary　woman；　the　sort　who　marries　and　merges。　　But　I'm　old　enough　to　spare　myselfand　youthe　consequences　of　what　it　would　mean　if　we　were　anything　but　strangers　to　each　other。''

‘‘Yes；　you　must　keep　awayaltogether。　　If　you　didn't；　I'd　be　neither　the　one　thing　nor　the　other；　but　just　a　poor　failure。''

‘‘You'll　not　fail；''　said　he。　　‘‘I　know　it。　　It's　written　in　your　face。''　　He　looked　at　her。　　She　was　not　looking　at　him；　but　with　eyes　gazing　straight　ahead　was