2 new moon新月-第19章

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t　it　
on　again。　

My　fourth　hour　class　got　out　late；　and　the　lunch　table　I　always　sat　at　was　full　by　the　time　I　arrived。　Mike　
was　there；　Jessica　and　Angela；　Conner；　Tyler；　Eric　and　Lauren。　Katie　Marshall；　the　redheaded　junior　

who　lived　around　the　corner　from　me；　was　sitting　with　Eric；　and　Austin　Marks—older　brother　to　the　boy　
with　the　motorcycles—was　next　to　her。　I　wondered　how　long　they'd　been　sitting　here；　unable　to　
remember　if　this　was　the　first　day　or　something　that　was　a　regular　habit。　

I　was　beginning　to　get　annoyed　with　myself。　I　might　as　well　have　been　packed　in　Styrofoam　peanuts　
through　the　last　semester。　

No　one　looked　up　when　I　sat　down　next　to　Mike；　even　though　the　chair　squealed　stridently　against　the　
linoleum　as　I　dragged　it　back。　

I　tried　to　catch　up　with　the　conversation。　

Mike　and　Conner　were　talking　sports；　so　I　gave　up　on　that　one　at　once。　

〃Where's　Ben　today？〃　Lauren　was　asking　Angela。　I　perked　up；　interested。　I　wondered　if　that　meant　
Angela　and　Ben　were　still　together。　

I　barely　recognized　Lauren。　She'd　cut　off　all　her　blond；　corn…silk　hair—now　she　had　a　pixie　cut　so　short　
that　the　back　was　shaved　like　a　boy。　What　an　odd　thing　for　her　to　do。　I　wished　I　knew　the　reason　behind　
it。　Did　she　get　gum　stuck　in　it？　Did　she　sell　it？　Had　all　the　people　she　was　habitually　nasty　to　caught　her　
behind　the　gym　and　scalped　her？　I　decided　it　wasn't　fair　for　me　to　judge　her　now　by　my　former　opinion。　
For　all　I　knew；　she'd　turned　into　a　nice　person。　

〃Ben's　got　the　stomach　flu；〃　Angela　said　in　her　quiet；　calm　voice。　〃Hopefully　it's　just　some　twenty…four　
hour　thing。　He　was　really　sick　last　night。〃　

Angela　had　changed　her　hair；　too。　She'd　grown　out　her　layers。　

〃What　did　you　two　do　this　weekend？〃　Jessica　asked；　not　sounding　as　if　she　cared　about　the　answer。　I'd　
bet　that　this　was　just　an　opener　so　she　could　tell　her　own　stories。　I　wondered　if　she　would　talk　about　Port　
Angeles　with　me　sitting　two　seats　away？　Was　I　that　invisible；　that　no　one　would　feel　uncomfortable　
discussing　me　while　I　was　here？　

〃We　were　going　to　have　a　picnic　Saturday；　actually；　but…　we　changed　our　minds；〃　Angela　said。　There　
was　an　edge　to　her　voice　that　caught　my　interest。　

Jess；　not　so　much。　〃That's　too　bad；〃　she　said；　about　to　launch　into　her　story。　But　I　wasn't　the　only　one　
who　was　paying　attention。　

〃What　happened？〃　Lauren　asked　curiously。　

〃Well；〃　Angela　said；　seeming　more　hesitant　than　usual；　though　she　was　always　reserved；　〃we　drove　up　
north；　almost　to　the　hot　springs—there's　a　good　spot　just　about　a　mile　up　the　trail。　But；　when　we　were　
halfway　there…　we　saw　something。〃　

〃Saw　something？　What？〃　Lauren's　pale　eyebrows　pulled　together。　Even　Jess　seemed　to　be　listening　now。　

〃I　don't　know；〃　Angela　said。　〃We　think　it　was　a　bear。　It　was　black；　anyway；　but　it　seemed…　too　big。〃　

Lauren　snorted。　〃Oh；　not　you；　too！〃　Her　eyes　turned　mocking；　and　I　decided　I　didn't　need　to　give　her　the　
benefit　of　the　doubt。　Obviously　her　personality　had　not　changed　as　much　as　her　hair。　〃Tyler　tried　to　sell　
me　that　one　last　week。〃　

〃You're　not　going　to　see　any　bears　that　close　to　the　resort；〃　Jessica　said；　siding　with　Lauren。　

〃Really；〃　Angela　protested　in　a　low　voice；　looking　down　at　the　table。　〃We　did　see　it。〃　

Lauren　snickered。　Mike　was　still　talking　to　Conner；　not　paying　attention　to　the　girls。　

〃No；　she's　right；〃　I　threw　in　impatiently。　〃We　had　a　hiker　in　just　Saturday　who　saw　the　bear；　too；　Angela。　
He　said　it　was　huge　and　black　and　just　outside　of　town；　didn't　he；　Mike？〃　

There　was　a　moment　of　silence。　Every　pair　of　eyes　at　the　table　turned　to　stare　at　me　in　shock。　The　new　
girl；　Katie；　had　her　mouth　hanging　open　like　she'd　just　witnessed　an　explosion。　Nobody　moved。　

〃Mike？〃　I　muttered；　mortified。　〃Remember　the　guy　with　the　bear　story？〃　

〃S…sure；〃　Mike　stuttered　after　a　second。　I　didn't　know　why　he　was　looking　at　me　so　strangely。　I　talked　to　
him　at　work；　didn't　I？　Did　I？　I　thought　so…　

Mike　recovered。　〃Yeah；　there　was　a　guy　who　said　he　saw　a　huge　black　bear　right　at　the　
trailhead—bigger　than　a　grizzly；〃　he　confirmed。　

〃Hmph。〃　Lauren　turned　to　Jessica；　her　shoulders　stiff；　and　changed　the　subject。　

〃Did　you　hear　back　from　USC？〃　she　asked。　

Everyone　else　looked　away；　too；　except　for　Mike　and　Angela。　Angela　smiled　at　me　tentatively；　and　I　
hurried　to　return　the　smile。　

〃So；　what　did　you　do　this　weekend；　Bella？〃　Mike　asked；　curious；　but　oddly　wary。　

Everyone　but　Lauren　looked　back；　waiting　for　my　response。　

〃Friday　night；　Jessica　and　I　went　to　a　movie　in　Port　Angeles。　And　then　I　spent　Saturday　afternoon　and　
most　of　Sunday　down　at　La　Push。〃　

The　eyes　flickered　to　Jessica　and　back　to　me。　Jess　looked　irritated。　I　wondered　if　she　didn't　want　anyone　
to　know　she'd　gone　out　with　me；　or　whether　she　just　wanted　to　be　the　one　to　tell　the　story。　

〃What　movie　did　you　see？〃　Mike　asked；　starting　to　smile。　

〃Dead　End—the　one　with　the　zombies。〃　I　grinned　in　encouragement。　Maybe　some　of　the　damage　I'd　
done　in　these　past　zombie　months　was　reparable。　

〃I　heard　that　was　scary。　Did　you　think　so？〃　Mike　was　eager　to　continue　the　conversation。　

〃Bella　had　to　leave　at　the　end；　she　was　so　freaked；〃　Jessica　inserted　with　a　sly　smile。　

I　nodded；　trying　to　look　embarrassed。　〃It　was　pretty　scary。〃　

Mike　didn't　stop　asking　me　questions　till　lunch　was　over。　Gradually；　the　others　were　able　to　start　up　their　
own　conversations　again；　though　they　still　looked　at　me　a　lot。　Angela　talked　mostly　to　Mike　and　me；　and；　
when　I　got　up　to　dump　my　tray；　she　followed。　

〃Thanks；〃　she　said　in　a　low　voice　when　we　were　away　from　the　table。　

〃For　what？〃　

〃Speaking　up；　sticking　up　for　me。〃　

〃No　problem。〃　

She　looked　at　me　with　concern；　but　not　the　offensive；　maybe…she's…lost…it　kind。　〃Are　you　okay？〃　

This　is　why　I'd　picked　Jessica　over　Angela—though　I'd　always　liked　Angela　more—for　the　girls'　night　
movie。　Angela　was　too　perceptive。　

〃Not　completely；〃　I　admitted。　〃But　I'm　a　little　bit　better。〃　

〃I'm　glad；〃　she　said。　〃I've　missed　you。〃　

Lauren　and　Jessica　strolled　by　us　then；　and　I　heard　Lauren　whisper　loudly；　〃Oh；　joy　Bella's　back。〃　

Angela　rolled　her　eyes　at　them；　and　smiled　at　me　in　encouragement。　

I　sighed　It　was　like　I　was　starting　all　over　again。　

〃What's　today's　date？〃　I　wondered　suddenly。　

〃It's　January　nineteenth。〃　

〃Hmm。〃　

〃What　is　it？〃　Angela　asked。　

〃It　was　a　year　ago　yesterday　that　I　had　my　first　day　here；〃　I　mused。　

〃Nothing's　changed　much；〃　Angela　muttered；　looking　after　Lauren　and　Jessica。　

〃I　know；　I　agreed　I　was　just　thinking　the　same　thing。〃　

7　REPETITION　




I　WASN'T　SURE　WHAT　THE　HELL　I　WAS　DOING　HERE　Was　I　trying　to　push　myself　back　into　
the　zombie　stupor？　Had　I　turned　masochistic—developed　a　taste　for　torture？　I　should　have　gone　straight　
down　to　La　Push　I　felt　much；　much　healthier　around　Jacob　This　was　not　a　healthy　thing　to　do。　

But　I　continued　to　drive　slowly　down　the　overgrown　lane；　twisting　through　the　trees　that　arched　over　me　
like　a　green；　living　tunnel　My　hands　were　shaking；　so　I　tightened　my　grip　on　the　steering　wheel。　

I　knew　that　part　of　the　reason　I　did　this　was　the　nightmare；　now　that　I　was　really　awake；　the　nothingness　
of　the　dream　gnawed　on　my　nerves；　a　dog　worrying　a　bone。　

There　was　something　to　search　for。　Unattainable　and　impossible；　uncaring　and　distracted…　but　he　was　
out　there；　somewhere。　I　had　to　believe　that。　

The　other　part　was　the　strange　sense　of　repetition　I'd　felt　at　school　today；　the　coincidence　of　the　date。　
The　feeling　that　I　was　starting　over—perhaps　the　way　my　first　day　would　have　gone　if　I'd　really　been　the　
most　unusual　person　in　the　cafeteria　that　afternoon。　

The　words　ran　through　my　head；　tonelessly；　like　I　was　reading　them　rather　than　hearing　them　spoken：　

It　will　be　as　if　I'd　never　existed。　

I　was　lying　to　myself　by　splitting　my　reason　for　coming　here　into　just　two　parts。　I　didn't　want　to　admit　the　
strongest　motivation。　Because　it　was　mentally　unsound。　

The　truth　was　that　I　wanted　to　hear　his　voice　again；　like　I　had　in　the　strange　delusion　Friday　night。　For　
that　brief　moment；　when　his　voice　came　from　some　other　part　of　me　than　my　conscious　memory；　when　
his　voice　was　perfect　and　honey　smooth　rather　than　the　pale　echo　my　memories　usually　produced；　I　was　
able　to　remember　without　pain。　It　hadn't　lasted；　the　pain　had　caught　up　with　me；　as　I　was　sure　it　would　
for　this　fool's　errand。　But　those　precious　moments　when　I　could　hear　him　again　were　an　irresistible　lure。　I　
had　to　find　some　way　to　repeat　the　experience…　or　maybe　the　better　word　was　episode。　

I　was　hoping　that　déjà　vu　was　the　key。　So　I　was　going　to　his　home；　a　place　I　hadn't　been　since　my　
ill…fated　birthday　party；　so　many　months　ago。　

The　thick；　almost　jungle…like　growth　crawled　slowly　past　my　windows。　The　drive　wound　on　and　on。　I　
started　to　go　faster；　getting　edgy。　How　long　had　I　been　driving？　Shouldn't　I　have　reached　the　house　yet？　
The　lane　was　so　overgrown　that　it　did　not　look　familiar。　

What　if　I　couldn't　find　it？　I　shivered。　What　if　there　was　no　tangible　proof　at　all？　

Then　there　was　the　break　in　the　trees　that　I　was　looking　for；　only　it　was　not　so　pronounced　as　before。　
The　flora　here　did　not　wait　long　to　reclaim　any　land　that　was　left　unguarded。　The　tall　ferns　had　infiltrated　
the　meadow　around　the　house；　crowding　against　the　trunks　of　the　cedars；　even　the　wide　porch。　It　was　
like　the　lawn　had　been　flooded—waist…high—with　green；　feathery　waves。　

And　the　house　was　there；　but　it　was　not　the　same。　Though　nothing　had　changed　on　the　outside；　the　
emptiness　screamed　from　the　blank　windows。　It　was　creepy。　For　the　first　time　since　I'd　seen　the　beautiful　
house；　it　looked　like　a　fitting　haunt　for　vampires。　

I　hit　the　brakes；　looking　away。　I　was　afraid　to　go　farther。　

But　nothing　happened。　No　voice　in　my　head。　

So　I　left　the　engine　running　and　jumped　out　into　the　fern　sea。　Maybe；　like　Friday　night；　if　I　walked　
forward…　

I　approached　the　barren；　vacant　face　slowly；　my　truck　rumbling　out　a　comforting　roar　behind　me。　I　
stopped　when　I　got　to　the　porch　stairs；　because　there　was　nothing　here。　No　lingering　sense　of　their　
presence…　of　his　presence。　The　house　was　solidly　here；　but　it　meant　little。　Its　concrete　reality　would　not　
counteract　the　nothingness　of　the　nightmares。　

I　didn't　go　any　closer。　I　didn't　want　to　look　in　the　windows。　I　wasn't　sure　which　would　be　harder　to　see。　
If　the　rooms　were　bare；　echoing　empty　from　floor　to　ceiling；　that　would　certainly　hurt。　Like　my　
grandmother's　funeral；　when　my　mother　had　insisted　that　I　stay　outside　during　the　viewing。　She　had　said　
that　I　didn't　need　to　see　Gran　that　way；　to　remember　her　that　way；　rather　than　alive。　

But　wouldn't　it　be　worse　if　there　were　no　change？　If　the　couches　sat　just　as　I'd　last　seen　them；　the　
paintings　on　the　walls—worse　still；　the　piano　on　its　low　platform？　It　would　be　second　only　to　the　house　
disappearing　all　together；　to　see　that　there　was　no　physical　possession　that　tied　them　in　anyway。　That　
everything　remained；　untouched　and　forgotten；　behind　them。　

Just　like　me。　

I　turned　my　back　on　the　gaping　emptiness