2 new moon新月-第5章

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Edward　stood　over　me；　still　protective；　still　not　breathing。　

〃Just　go；　Edward；〃　I　sighed。　

〃I　can　handle　it；〃　he　insisted。　But　his　jaw　was　rigid；　his　eyes　burned　with　the　intensity　of　the　thirst　he　
fought；　so　much　worse　for　him　than　it　was　for　the　others。　

〃You　don't　need　to　be　a　hero；〃　I　said。　〃Carlisle　can　fix　me　up　without　your　help。　Get　some　fresh　air。〃　

I　winced　as　Carlisle　did　something　to　my　arm　that　stung。　

〃I'll　stay；〃　he　said。　

〃Why　are　you　so　masochistic？〃　I　mumbled。　

Carlisle　decided　to　intercede。　〃Edward；　you　may　as　well　go　find　Jasper　before　he　gets　too　far。　I'm　sure　
he's　upset　with　himself；　and　I　doubt　he'll　listen　to　anyone　but　you　right　now。〃　

〃Yes；〃　I　eagerly　agreed。　〃Go　find　Jasper。〃　

〃You　might　as　well　do　something　useful；〃　Alice　added。　

Edward's　eyes　narrowed　as　we　ganged　up　on　him；　but；　finally；　he　nodded　once　and　sprinted　smoothly　
through　the　kitchen's　back　door。　I　was　sure　he　hadn't　taken　a　breath　since　I'd　sliced　my　finger。　

A　numb；　dead　feeling　was　spreading　through　my　arm。　

Though　it　erased　the　sting；　it　reminded　me　of　the　gash；　and　I　watched　Carlisle's　face　carefully　to　distract　
me　from　what　his　hands　were　doing。　His　hair　gleamed　gold　in　the　bright　light　as　he　bent　over　my　arm。　I　
could　feel　the　faint　stirrings　of　unease　in　the　pit　of　my　stomach；　but　I　was　determined　not　to　let　my　usual　
squeamishness　get　the　best　of　me。　There　was　no　pain　now；　just　a　gentle　tugging　sensation　that　I　tried　to　
ignore。　No　reason　to　get　sick　like　a　baby。　

If　she　hadn't　been　in　my　line　of　sight；　I　wouldn't　have　noticed　Alice　give　up　and　steal　out　of　the　room。　
With　a　tiny；　apologetic　smile　on　her　lips；　she　disappeared　through　the　kitchen　doorway。　

〃Well；　that's　everyone；〃　I　sighed。　〃I　can　clear　a　room；　at　least。〃　

〃It's　not　your　fault；〃　Carlisle　comforted　me　with　a　chuckle。　〃It　could　happen　to　anyone。〃　

〃Could〃　I　repeated。　〃But　it　usually　just　happens　to　me。〃　

He　laughed　again。　

His　relaxed　calm　was　only　more　amazing　set　in　direct　contrast　with　everyone　else's　reaction。　I　couldn't　
find　any　trace　of　anxiety　in　his　face。　He　worked　with　quick；　sure　movements。　The　only　sound　besides　our　
quiet　breathing　was　the　soft　plink；　plink　as　the　tiny　fragments　of　glass　dropped　one　by　one　to　the　table。　

〃How　can　you　do　this？〃　I　demanded。　〃Even　Alice　and　Esme…〃　I　trailed　off；　shaking　my　head　in　wonder。　
Though　the　rest　of　them　had　given　up　the　traditional　diet　of　vampires　just　as　absolutely　as　Carlisle　had；　he　
was　the　only　one　who　could　bear　the　smell　of　my　blood　without　suffering　from　the　intense　temptation。　
Clearly；　this　was　much　more　difficult　than　he　made　it　seem。　

〃Years　and　years　of　practice；〃　he　told　me。　〃I　barely　notice　the　scent　anymore。〃　

〃Do　you　think　it　would　be　harder　if　you　took　a　vacation　from　the　hospital　for　a　long　time。　And　weren't　
around　any　blood？〃　

〃Maybe。〃　He　shrugged　his　shoulders；　but　his　hands　remained　steady。　〃I've　never　felt　the　need　for　an　
extended　holiday。〃　He　flashed　a　brilliant　smile　in　my　direction。　〃I　enjoy　my　work　too　much。〃　

Plink；　plink；　plink。　I　was　surprised　at　how　much　glass　there　seemed　to　be　in　my　arm。　I　was　tempted　to　
glance　at　the　growing　pile；　just　to　check　the　size；　but　I　knew　that　idea　would　not　be　helpful　to　my　
no…vomiting　strategy。　

〃What　is　it　that　you　enjoy？〃　I　wondered。　It　didn't　make　sense　to　me—the　years　of　struggle　and　self…denial　
he　must　have　spent　to　get　to　the　point　where　he　could　endure　this　so　easily。　Besides；　I　wanted　to　keep　
him　talking；　the　conversation　kept　my　mind　off　the　queasy　feeling　in　my　stomach。　

His　dark　eyes　were　calm　and　thoughtful　as　he　answered。　〃Hmm。　What　I　enjoy　the　very　most　is　when　
my…　enhanced　abilities　let　me　save　someone　who　would　otherwise　have　been　lost。　It's　pleasant　knowing　
that；　thanks　to　what　I　can　do；　some　people's　lives　are　better　because　I　exist。　Even　the　sense　of　smell　is　a　
useful　diagnostic　tool　at　times。〃　One　side　of　his　mouth　pulled　up　in　half　a　smile。　

I　mulled　that　over　while　he　poked　around；　making　sure　all　the　glass　splinters　were　gone。　Then　he　
rummaged　in　his　bag　for　new　tools；　and　I　tried　not　to　picture　a　needle　and　thread。　

〃You　try　very　hard　to　make　up　for　something　that　was　never　your　fault；〃　I　suggested　while　a　new　kind　of　
tugging　started　at　the　edges　of　my　skin。　〃What　I　mean　is；　it's　not　like　you　asked　for　this。　You　didn't　
choose　this　kind　of　life；　and　yet　you　have　to　work　so　hard　to　be　good。〃　

〃I　don't　know　that　I'm　making　up　for　anything；〃　he　disagreed　lightly。　〃Like　everything　in　life；　I　just　had　to　
decide　what　to　do　with　what　I　was　given。〃　

〃That　makes　it　sound　too　easy。〃　

He　examined　my　arm　again。　〃There；〃　he　said；　snipping　a　thread。　〃All　done。〃　He　wiped　an　oversized　
Q…tip；　dripping　with　some　syrup…colored　liquid；　thoroughly　across　the　operation　site。　The　smell　was　
strange；　it　made　my　head　spin。　The　syrup　stained　my　skin。　

〃In　the　beginning；　though；〃　I　pressed　while　he　taped　another　long　piece　of　gauze　securely　in　place；　sealing　
it　to　my　skin。　〃Why　did　you　even　think　to　try　a　different　way　than　the　obvious　one？〃　

His　lips　turned　up　in　a　private　smile。　〃Hasn't　Edward　told　you　this　story？〃　

〃Yes。　But　I'm　trying　to　understand　what　you　were　thinking…〃　

His　face　was　suddenly　serious　again；　and　I　wondered　if　his　thoughts　had　gone　to　the　same　place　that　mine　
had。　Wondering　what　I　would　be　thinking　when—I　refused　to　think　if—it　was　me。　

〃You　know　my　father　was　a　clergyman；〃　he　mused　as　he　cleaned　the　table　carefully；　rubbing　everything　
down　with　wet　gauze；　and　then　doing　it　again。　The　smell　of　alcohol　burned　in　my　nose。　〃He　had　a　rather　
harsh　view　of　the　world；　which　I　was　already　beginning　to　question　before　the　time　that　I　changed。〃　
Carlisle　put　all　the　dirty　gauze　and　the　glass　slivers　into　an　empty　crystal　bowl。　I　didn't　understand　what　he　
was　doing；　even　when　he　lit　the　match。　Then　he　threw　it　onto　the　alcohol…soaked　fibers；　and　the　sudden　
blaze　made　me　jump。　

〃Sorry；〃　he　apologized。　〃That　ought　to　do　it…　So　I　didn't　agree　with　my　father's　particular　brand　of　faith。　
But　never；　in　the　nearly　four　hundred　years　now　since　I　was　born；　have　I　ever　seen　anything　to　make　me　
doubt　whether　God　exists　in　some　form　or　the　other。　Not　even　the　reflection　in　the　mirror。〃　

I　pretended　to　examine　the　dressing　on　my　arm　to　hide　my　surprise　at　the　direction　our　conversation　had　
taken。　Religion　was　the　last　thing　I　expected；　all　things　considered。　My　own　life　was　fairly　devoid　of　
belief。　Charlie　considered　himself　a　Lutheran；　because　that's　what　his　parents　had　been；　but　Sundays　he　
worshipped　by　the　river　with　a　fishing　pole　in　his　hand。　Renee　tried　out　a　church　now　and　then；　but；　much　
like　her　brief　affairs　with　tennis；　pottery；　yoga；　and　French　classes；　she　moved　on　by　the　time　I　was　
aware　of　her　newest　fad。　

〃I'm　sure　all　this　sounds　a　little　bizarre；　coming　from　a　vampire。〃　He　grinned；　knowing　how　their　casual　
use　of　that　word　never　failed　to　shock　me。　〃But　I'm　hoping　that　there　is　still　a　point　to　this　life；　even　for　us。　
It's　a　long　shot；　I'll　admit；〃　he　continued　in　an　offhand　voice。　〃By　all　accounts；　we're　damned　regardless。　
But　I　hope；　maybe　foolishly；　that　we'll　get　some　measure　of　credit　for　trying。〃　

〃I　don't　think　that's　foolish；〃　I　mumbled。　I　couldn't　imagine　anyone；　deity　included；　who　wouldn't　be　
impressed　by　Carlisle。　Besides；　the　only　kind　of　heaven　I　could　appreciate　would　have　to　include　
Edward。　〃And　I　don't　think　anyone　else　would；　either。〃　

〃Actually；　you're　the　very　first　one　to　agree　with　me。〃　

〃The　rest　of　them　don't　feel　the　same？〃　I　asked；　surprised；　thinking　of　only　one　person　in　particular。　

Carlisle　guessed　the　direction　of　my　thoughts　again。　〃Edward's　with　me　up　to　a　point。　God　and　heaven　
exist…　and　so　does　hell。　But　he　doesn't　believe　there　is　an　afterlife　for　our　kind。〃　Carlisle's　voice　was　
very　soft；　he　stared　out　the　big　window　over　the　sink；　into　the　darkness。　〃You　see；　he　thinks　we've　lost　
our　souls。〃　

I　immediately　thought　of　Edward's　words　this　afternoon：　unless　you　want　to　die—or　whatever　it　is　
that　we　do。　The　lightbulb　flicked　on　over　my　head。　

〃That's　the　real　problem；　isn't　it？〃　I　guessed。　〃That's　why　he's　being　so　difficult　about　me。〃　

Carlisle　spoke　slowly。　〃I　look　at　my…　son。　His　strength；　his　goodness；　the　brightness　that　shines　out　of　
him—and　it　only　fuels　that　hope；　that　faith；　more　than　ever。　How　could　there　not　be　more　for　one　such　as　
Edward？〃　

I　nodded　in　fervent　agreement。　

〃But　if　I　believed　as　he　does…〃　He　looked　down　at　me　with　unfathomable　eyes。　〃If　you　believed　as　he　
did。　Could　you　take　away　his　soul？〃　

The　way　he　phrased　the　question　thwarted　my　answer。　

If　he'd　asked　me　whether　I　would　risk　my　soul　for　Edward；　the　reply　would　be　obvious。　But　would　I　risk　
Edward's　soul？　I　pursed　my　lips　unhappily。　That　wasn't　a　fair　exchange。　

〃You　see　the　problem。〃　

I　shook　my　head；　aware　of　the　stubborn　set　of　my　chin。　

Carlisle　sighed。　

〃It's　my　choice；〃　I　insisted。　

〃It's　his；　too。〃　He　held　up　his　hand　when　he　could　see　that　I　was　about　to　argue。　〃Whether　he　is　
responsible　for　doing　that　to　you。〃　

〃He's　not　the　only　one　able　to　do　it。〃　I　eyed　Carlisle　speculatively。　

He　laughed；　abruptly　lightening　the　mood。　〃Oh；　no！　You're　going　to　have　to　work　this　out　with　him。〃But　
then　he　sighed。　〃That's　the　one　part　I　can　never　be　sure　of。　I　think；　in　most　other　ways；　that　I've　done　the　
best　I　could　with　what　I　had　to　work　with。　But　was　it　right　to　doom　the　others　to　this　life？　I　can't　decide。〃　

I　didn't　answer。　I　imagined　what　my　life　would　be　like　if　Carlisle　had　resisted　the　temptation　to　change　his　
lonely　existence…　and　shuddered。　

〃It　was　Edward's　mother　who　made　up　my　mind。〃　Carlisle's　voice　was　almost　a　whisper。　He　stared　
unseeingly　out　the　black　windows。　

〃His　mother？〃　Whenever　I'd　asked　Edward　about　his　parents；　he　would　merely　say　that　they　had　died　
long　ago；　and　his　memories　were　vague。　I　realized　Carlisle's　memory　of　them；　despite　the　brevity　of　their　
contact；　would　be　perfectly　clear。　

〃Yes。　Her　name　was　Elizabeth。　Elizabeth　Masen。　His　father；　Edward　Senior；　never　regained　
consciousness　in　the　hospital。　He　died　in　the　first　wave　of　the　influenza。　But　Elizabeth　was　alert　until　
almost　the　very　end。　Edward　looks　a　great　deal　like　her—she　had　that　same　strange　bronze　shade　to　her　
hair；　and　her　eyes　were　exactly　the　same　color　green。〃　

〃His　eyes　were　green？〃　I　murmured；　trying　to　picture　it。　

〃Yes…〃　Carlisle's　ocher　eyes　were　a　hundred　years　away　now。　〃Elizabeth　worried　obsessively　over　her　
son。　She　hurt　her　own　chances　of　survival　trying　to　nurse　him　from　her　sickbed。　I　expected　that　he　would　
go　first；　he　was　so　much　worse　off　than　she　was。　When　the　end　came　for　her；　it　was　very　quick。　It　was　
just　after　sunset；　and　I'd　arrived　to　relieve　the　doctors　who'd　been　working　all　day。　That　was　a　hard　time　
to　pretend—there　was　so　much　work　to　be　done；　and　I　had　no　need　of　rest。　How　I　hated　to　go　back　to　
my　house；　to　hide　in　the　dark　and　pretend　to　sleep　while　so　many　were　dying。　

〃I　went　to　check　Elizabeth　and　her　son　first。　I'd　grown　attached—always　a　dangerous　thing　to　do　
considering　the　fragi