mudfog+-第12章

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adopt　the　improvement。　　His　only　fear　was　that　the　machine　might　be

worn　out　by　constant　working。



'MR。　COPPERNOSE　called　the　attention　of　the　section　to　a

proposition　of　great　magnitude　and　interest；　illustrated　by　a　vast


number　of　models；　and　stated　with　much　clearness　and　perspicuity　in

a　treatise　entitled　〃Practical　Suggestions　on　the　necessity　of

providing　some　harmless　and　wholesome　relaxation　for　the　young

noblemen　of　England。〃　　His　proposition　was；　that　a　space　of　ground

of　not　less　than　ten　miles　in　length　and　four　in　breadth　should　be

purchased　by　a　new　company；　to　be　incorporated　by　Act　of

Parliament；　and　inclosed　by　a　brick　wall　of　not　less　than　twelve

feet　in　height。　　He　proposed　that　it　should　be　laid　out　with

highway　roads；　turnpikes；　bridges；　miniature　villages；　and　every

object　that　could　conduce　to　the　comfort　and　glory　of　Four…in…hand

Clubs；　so　that　they　might　be　fairly　presumed　to　require　no　drive

beyond　it。　　This　delightful　retreat　would　be　fitted　up　with　most

commodious　and　extensive　stables；　for　the　convenience　of　such　of

the　nobility　and　gentry　as　had　a　taste　for　ostlering；　and　with

houses　of　entertainment　furnished　in　the　most　expensive　and

handsome　style。　　It　would　be　further　provided　with　whole　streets　of

door…knockers　and　bell…handles　of　extra　size；　so　constructed　that

they　could　be　easily　wrenched　off　at　night；　and　regularly　screwed

on　again；　by　attendants　provided　for　the　purpose；　every　day。　　There

would　also　be　gas　lamps　of　real　glass；　which　could　be　broken　at　a

comparatively　small　expense　per　dozen；　and　a　broad　and　handsome

foot　pavement　for　gentlemen　to　drive　their　cabriolets　upon　when

they　were　humorously　disposed　…　for　the　full　enjoyment　of　which

feat　live　pedestrians　would　be　procured　from　the　workhouse　at　a

very　small　charge　per　head。　　The　place　being　inclosed；　and

carefully　screened　from　the　intrusion　of　the　public；　there　would　be

no　objection　to　gentlemen　laying　aside　any　article　of　their　costume

that　was　considered　to　interfere　with　a　pleasant　frolic；　or；

indeed；　to　their　walking　about　without　any　costume　at　all；　if　they

liked　that　better。　　In　short；　every　facility　of　enjoyment　would　be

afforded　that　the　most　gentlemanly　person　could　possibly　desire。

But　as　even　these　advantages　would　be　incomplete　unless　there　were

some　means　provided　of　enabling　the　nobility　and　gentry　to　display

their　prowess　when　they　sallied　forth　after　dinner；　and　as　some

inconvenience　might　be　experienced　in　the　event　of　their　being

reduced　to　the　necessity　of　pummelling　each　other；　the　inventor　had

turned　his　attention　to　the　construction　of　an　entirely　new　police

force；　composed　exclusively　of　automaton　figures；　which；　with　the

assistance　of　the　ingenious　Signor　Gagliardi；　of　Windmill…street；

in　the　Haymarket；　he　had　succeeded　in　making　with　such　nicety；　that

a　policeman；　cab…driver；　or　old　woman；　made　upon　the　principle　of

the　models　exhibited；　would　walk　about　until　knocked　down　like　any

real　man；　nay；　more；　if　set　upon　and　beaten　by　six　or　eight

noblemen　or　gentlemen；　after　it　was　down；　the　figure　would　utter

divers　groans；　mingled　with　entreaties　for　mercy；　thus　rendering

the　illusion　complete；　and　the　enjoyment　perfect。　　But　the

invention　did　not　stop　even　here；　for　station…houses　would　be

built；　containing　good　beds　for　noblemen　and　gentlemen　during　the

night；　and　in　the　morning　they　would　repair　to　a　commodious　police

office；　where　a　pantomimic　investigation　would　take　place　before

the　automaton　magistrates；　…　quite　equal　to　life；　…　who　would　fine

them　in　so　many　counters；　with　which　they　would　be　previously

provided　for　the　purpose。　　This　office　would　be　furnished　with　an

inclined　plane；　for　the　convenience　of　any　nobleman　or　gentleman

who　might　wish　to　bring　in　his　horse　as　a　witness；　and　the

prisoners　would　be　at　perfect　liberty；　as　they　were　now；　to

interrupt　the　complainants　as　much　as　they　pleased；　and　to　make　any

remarks　that　they　thought　proper。　　The　charge　for　these　amusements

would　amount　to　very　little　more　than　they　already　cost；　and　the

inventor　submitted　that　the　public　would　be　much　benefited　and

comforted　by　the　proposed　arrangement。



'PROFESSOR　NOGO　wished　to　be　informed　what　amount　of　automaton

police　force　it　was　proposed　to　raise　in　the　first　instance。



'MR。　COPPERNOSE　replied；　that　it　was　proposed　to　begin　with　seven

divisions　of　police　of　a　score　each；　lettered　from　A　to　G

inclusive。　　It　was　proposed　that　not　more　than　half　this　number

should　be　placed　on　active　duty；　and　that　the　remainder　should　be

kept　on　shelves　in　the　police　office　ready　to　be　called　out　at　a

moment's　notice。



'THE　PRESIDENT；　awarding　the　utmost　merit　to　the　ingenious

gentleman　who　had　originated　the　idea；　doubted　whether　the

automaton　police　would　quite　answer　the　purpose。　　He　feared　that

noblemen　and　gentlemen　would　perhaps　require　the　excitement　of

thrashing　living　subjects。



'MR。　COPPERNOSE　submitted；　that　as　the　usual　odds　in　such　cases

were　ten　noblemen　or　gentlemen　to　one　policeman　or　cab…driver；　it

could　make　very　little　difference　in　point　of　excitement　whether

the　policeman　or　cab…driver　were　a　man　or　a　block。　　The　great

advantage　would　be；　that　a　policeman's　limbs　might　be　all　knocked

off；　and　yet　he　would　be　in　a　condition　to　do　duty　next　day。　　He

might　even　give　his　evidence　next　morning　with　his　head　in　his

hand；　and　give　it　equally　well。



'PROFESSOR　MUFF。　…　Will　you　allow　me　to　ask　you；　sir；　of　what

materials　it　is　intended　that　the　magistrates'　heads　shall　be

composed？



'MR。　COPPERNOSE。　…　The　magistrates　will　have　wooden　heads　of

course；　and　they　will　be　made　of　the　toughest　and　thickest

materials　that　can　possibly　be　obtained。



'PROFESSOR　MUFF。　…　I　am　quite　satisfied。　　This　is　a　great

invention。



'PROFESSOR　NOGO。　…　I　see　but　one　objection　to　it。　　It　appears　to　me

that　the　magistrates　ought　to　talk。



'MR。　COPPERNOSE　no　sooner　heard　this　suggestion　than　he　touched　a

small　spring　in　each　of　the　two　models　of　magistrates　which　were

placed　upon　the　table；　one　of　the　figures　immediately　began　to

exclaim　with　great　volubility　that　he　was　sorry　to　see　gentlemen　in

such　a　situation；　and　the　other　to　express　a　fear　that　the

policeman　was　intoxicated。



'The　section；　as　with　one　accord；　declared　with　a　shout　of　applause

that　the　invention　was　complete；　and　the　President；　much　excited；

retired　with　Mr。　Coppernose　to　lay　it　before　the　council。　　On　his

return；



'MR。　TICKLE　displayed　his　newly…invented　spectacles；　which　enabled

the　wearer　to　discern；　in　very　bright　colours；　objects　at　a　great

distance；　and　rendered　him　wholly　blind　to　those　immediately　before

him。　　It　was；　he　said；　a　most　valuable　and　useful　invention；　based

strictly　upon　the　principle　of　the　human　eye。



'THE　PRESIDENT　required　some　information　upon　this　point。　　He　had

yet　to　learn　that　the　human　eye　was　remarkable　for　the

peculiarities　of　which　the　honourable　gentleman　had　spoken。



'MR。　TICKLE　was　rather　astonished　to　hear　this；　when　the　President

could　not　fail　to　be　aware　that　a　large　number　of　most　excellent

persons　and　great　statesmen　could　see；　with　the　naked　eye；　most

marvellous　horrors　on　West　India　plantations；　while　they　could

discern　nothing　whatever　in　the　interior　of　Manchester　cotton

mills。　　He　must　know；　too；　with　what　quickness　of　perception　most

people　could　discover　their　neighbour's　faults；　and　how　very　blind

they　were　to　their　own。　　If　the　President　differed　from　the　great

majority　of　men　in　this　respect；　his　eye　was　a　defective　one；　and

it　was　to　assist　his　vision　that　these　glasses　were　made。



'MR。　BLANK　exhibited　a　model　of　a　fashionable　annual；　composed　of

copper…plates；　gold　leaf；　and　silk　boards；　and　worked　entirely　by

milk　and　water。



'MR。　PROSEE；　after　examining　the　machine；　declared　it　to　be　so

ingeniously　composed；　that　he　was　wholly　unable　to　discover　how　it

went　on　at　all。



'MR。　BLANK。　…　Nobody　can；　and　that　is　the　beauty　of　it。





'SECTION　C。　…　ANATOMY　AND　MEDICINE。

BAR　ROOM；　BLACK　BOY　AND　STOMACH…ACHE。





PRESIDENT　…　Dr。　Soemup。　　VICE…PRESIDENTS　…　Messrs。　Pessell　and

Mortair。



'DR。　GRUMMIDGE　stated　to　the　section　a　most　interesting　case　of

monomania；　and　described　the　course　of　treatment　he　had　pursued

with　perfect　success。　　The　patient　was　a　married　lady　in　the　middle

rank　of　life；　who；　having　seen　another　lady　at　an　evening　party　in

a　full　suit　of　pearls；　was　suddenly　seized　with　a　desire　to　possess

a　similar　equipment；　although　her　husband's　finances　were　by　no

means　equal　to　the　necessary　outlay。　　Finding　her　wish　ungratified；

she　fell　sick；　and　the　symptoms　soon　became　so　alarming；　that　he

（Dr。　Grummidge）　was　called　in。　　At　this　period　the　prominent　tokens

of　the　disorder　were　sullenness；　a　total　indisposition　to　perform

domestic　duties；　great　peevishness；　and　extreme　languor；　except

when　pearls　were　mentioned；　at　which　times　the　pulse　quickened；　the

eyes　grew　brighter；　the　pupils　dilated；　and　the　patient；　after

various　incoherent　exclamations；　burst　into　a　passion　of　tears；　and

exclaimed　that　nobody　cared　for　her；　and　that　she　wished　herself

dead。　　Finding　that　the　patient's　appetite　was　affected　in　the

presence　of　company；　he　began　by　ordering　a　total　abstinence　from

all　stimulants；　and　forbidding　any　sustenance　but　weak　gruel；　he

then　took　twenty　ounces　of　blood；　applied　a　blister　under　each　ear；

one　upon　the　chest；　and　another　on　the　back；　having　done　which；　and

administered　five　grains　of　calomel；　he　left　the　patient　to　her

repose。　　The　next　day　she　was　somewhat　low；　but　decidedly　better；

and　all　appearances　of　irritation　were　removed。　　The　next　day　she

improved　still　further；　and　on　the　next　again。　　On　the　fourth　there

was　some　appearance　of　a　return　of　the　old　symptoms；　which　no

sooner　developed　themselves；　than　he　administered　another　dose　of

calomel；　and　left　strict　orders　that；　unless　a　decidedly　favourable

change　occurred　within　two　hours；　the　patient's　head　should　be

immediately　shaved　to　the　very　last　curl。　　From　that　moment　she

began　to　mend；　and；　in　less　than　four…and…twenty　hours　was

perfectly　restored。　　She　did　not　now　betray　the　least　emotion　at

the　sight　or　mention　of　pearls　or　any　other　ornaments。　　She　was

cheerful　and　good…humoured；　and　a　most　beneficial　change　had　been

effected　in　her　whole　temperament　and　condition。



'MR。　PIPKIN　（M。R。C。S。）　read　a　short　but　most　interesting

communication　in　which　he　sought　to　prove　the　complete　belief　of

Sir　William　Courtenay；　otherwise　Thorn；　recently　shot　at

Canterbury；　in　the　Homoeopathic　system。　　The　section　would　bear　in

mind　that　one　of　the　Homoeopathic　doctrines　was；　that　infinitesimal

doses　of　any　medicine　which　would　occasion　the　disease　under　which

the　patient　laboured；　supposing　him　to　be　in　a　healthy　state；　would

cure　it。　　Now；　it　was　a　remarkable　circumstance　…　proved　in