mudfog+-第8章

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each　patient；　would　have　sobered　him　immediately。　　The　President

remarked　that　this　was　a　most　important　discovery；　and　he　hoped　the

Lord　Mayor　and　Court　of　Aldermen　would　patronize　it　immediately。



'A　Member　begged　to　be　informed　whether　it　would　be　possible　to

administer　…　say；　the　twentieth　part　of　a　grain　of　bread　and　cheese

to　all　grown…up　paupers；　and　the　fortieth　part　to　children；　with

the　same　satisfying　effect　as　their　present　allowance。



'PROFESSOR　MUFF　was　willing　to　stake　his　professional　reputation　on

the　perfect　adequacy　of　such　a　quantity　of　food　to　the　support　of

human　life　…　in　workhouses；　the　addition　of　the　fifteenth　part　of　a

grain　of　pudding　twice　a　week　would　render　it　a　high　diet。



'PROFESSOR　NOGO　called　the　attention　of　the　section　to　a　very

extraordinary　case　of　animal　magnetism。　　A　private　watchman；　being

merely　looked　at　by　the　operator　from　the　opposite　side　of　a　wide

street；　was　at　once　observed　to　be　in　a　very　drowsy　and　languid

state。　　He　was　followed　to　his　box；　and　being　once　slightly　rubbed

on　the　palms　of　the　hands；　fell　into　a　sound　sleep；　in　which　he

continued　without　intermission　for　ten　hours。







'SECTION　C。　…　STATISTICS。

HAY…LOFT；　ORIGINAL　PIG。



PRESIDENT　…　Mr。　Woodensconce。　　VICE…PRESIDENTS　…　Mr。　Ledbrain　and

Mr。　Timbered。



'MR。　SLUG　stated　to　the　section　the　result　of　some　calculations　he

had　made　with　great　difficulty　and　labour；　regarding　the　state　of

infant　education　among　the　middle　classes　of　London。　　He　found

that；　within　a　circle　of　three　miles　from　the　Elephant　and　Castle；

the　following　were　the　names　and　numbers　of　children's　books

principally　in　circulation：…





'Jack　the　Giant…killer　　　　　　　　　　　7；943

Ditto　and　Bean…stalk　　　　　　　　　　　　　8；621

Ditto　and　Eleven　Brothers　　　　　　　　2；845

Ditto　and　Jill　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　1；998

Total　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　21；407





'He　found　that　the　proportion　of　Robinson　Crusoes　to　Philip　Quarlls

was　as　four　and　a　half　to　one；　and　that　the　preponderance　of

Valentine　and　Orsons　over　Goody　Two　Shoeses　was　as　three　and　an

eighth　of　the　former　to　half　a　one　of　the　latter；　a　comparison　of

Seven　Champions　with　Simple　Simons　gave　the　same　result。　　The

ignorance　that　prevailed；　was　lamentable。　　One　child；　on　being

asked　whether　he　would　rather　be　Saint　George　of　England　or　a

respectable　tallow…chandler；　instantly　replied；　〃Taint　George　of

Ingling。〃　　Another；　a　little　boy　of　eight　years　old；　was　found　to

be　firmly　impressed　with　a　belief　in　the　existence　of　dragons；　and

openly　stated　that　it　was　his　intention　when　he　grew　up；　to　rush

forth　sword　in　hand　for　the　deliverance　of　captive　princesses；　and

the　promiscuous　slaughter　of　giants。　　Not　one　child　among　the

number　interrogated　had　ever　heard　of　Mungo　Park；　…　some　inquiring

whether　he　was　at　all　connected　with　the　black　man　that　swept　the

crossing；　and　others　whether　he　was　in　any　way　related　to　the

Regent's　Park。　　They　had　not　the　slightest　conception　of　the

commonest　principles　of　mathematics；　and　considered　Sindbad　the

Sailor　the　most　enterprising　voyager　that　the　world　had　ever

produced。



'A　Member　strongly　deprecating　the　use　of　all　the　other　books

mentioned；　suggested　that　Jack　and　Jill　might　perhaps　be　exempted

from　the　general　censure；　inasmuch　as　the　hero　and　heroine；　in　the

very　outset　of　the　tale；　were　depicted　as　going　UP　a　hill　to　fetch

a　pail　of　water；　which　was　a　laborious　and　useful　occupation；　…

supposing　the　family　linen　was　being　washed；　for　instance。



'MR。　SLUG　feared　that　the　moral　effect　of　this　passage　was　more

than　counterbalanced　by　another　in　a　subsequent　part　of　the　poem；

in　which　very　gross　allusion　was　made　to　the　mode　in　which　the

heroine　was　personally　chastised　by　her　mother





〃'For　laughing　at　Jack's　disaster；〃





besides；　the　whole　work　had　this　one　great　fault；　IT　WAS　NOT　TRUE。



'THE　PRESIDENT　complimented　the　honourable　member　on　the　excellent

distinction　he　had　drawn。　　Several　other　Members；　too；　dwelt　upon

the　immense　and　urgent　necessity　of　storing　the　minds　of　children

with　nothing　but　facts　and　figures；　which　process　the　President

very　forcibly　remarked；　had　made　them　（the　section）　the　men　they

were。



'MR。　SLUG　then　stated　some　curious　calculations　respecting　the

dogs'…meat　barrows　of　London。　　He　found　that　the　total　number　of

small　carts　and　barrows　engaged　in　dispensing　provision　to　the　cats

and　dogs　of　the　metropolis　was；　one　thousand　seven　hundred　and

forty…three。　　The　average　number　of　skewers　delivered　daily　with

the　provender；　by　each　dogs'…meat　cart　or　barrow；　was　thirty…six。

Now；　multiplying　the　number　of　skewers　so　delivered　by　the　number

of　barrows；　a　total　of　sixty…two　thousand　seven　hundred　and　forty…

eight　skewers　daily　would　be　obtained。　　Allowing　that；　of　these

sixty…two　thousand　seven　hundred　and　forty…eight　skewers；　the　odd

two　thousand　seven　hundred　and　forty…eight　were　accidentally

devoured　with　the　meat；　by　the　most　voracious　of　the　animals

supplied；　it　followed　that　sixty　thousand　skewers　per　day；　or　the

enormous　number　of　twenty…one　millions　nine　hundred　thousand

skewers　annually；　were　wasted　in　the　kennels　and　dustholes　of

London；　which；　if　collected　and　warehoused；　would　in　ten　years'

time　afford　a　mass　of　timber　more　than　sufficient　for　the

construction　of　a　first…rate　vessel　of　war　for　the　use　of　her

Majesty's　navy；　to　be　called　〃The　Royal　Skewer；〃　and　to　become

under　that　name　the　terror　of　all　the　enemies　of　this　island。



'MR。　X。　LEDBRAIN　read　a　very　ingenious　communication；　from　which　it

appeared　that　the　total　number　of　legs　belonging　to　the

manufacturing　population　of　one　great　town　in　Yorkshire　was；　in

round　numbers；　forty　thousand；　while　the　total　number　of　chair　and

stool　legs　in　their　houses　was　only　thirty　thousand；　which；　upon

the　very　favourable　average　of　three　legs　to　a　seat；　yielded　only

ten　thousand　seats　in　all。　　From　this　calculation　it　would　appear；

…　not　taking　wooden　or　cork　legs　into　the　account；　but　allowing　two

legs　to　every　person；　…　that　ten　thousand　individuals　（one…half　of

the　whole　population）　were　either　destitute　of　any　rest　for　their

legs　at　all；　or　passed　the　whole　of　their　leisure　time　in　sitting

upon　boxes。





'SECTION　D。　…　MECHANICAL　SCIENCE。

COACH…HOUSE；　ORIGINAL　PIG。





PRESIDENT　…　Mr。　Carter。　　VICE…PRESIDENTS　…　Mr。　Truck　and　Mr。

Waghorn。



'PROFESSOR　QUEERSPECK　exhibited　an　elegant　model　of　a　portable

railway；　neatly　mounted　in　a　green　case；　for　the　waistcoat　pocket。

By　attaching　this　beautiful　instrument　to　his　boots；　any　Bank　or

public…office　clerk　could　transport　himself　from　his　place　of

residence　to　his　place　of　business；　at　the　easy　rate　of　sixty…five

miles　an　hour；　which；　to　gentlemen　of　sedentary　pursuits；　would　be

an　incalculable　advantage。



'THE　PRESIDENT　was　desirous　of　knowing　whether　it　was　necessary　to

have　a　level　surface　on　which　the　gentleman　was　to　run。



'PROFESSOR　QUEERSPECK　explained　that　City　gentlemen　would　run　in

trains；　being　handcuffed　together　to　prevent　confusion　or

unpleasantness。　　For　instance；　trains　would　start　every　morning　at

eight；　nine；　and　ten　o'clock；　from　Camden　Town；　Islington；

Camberwell；　Hackney；　and　various　other　places　in　which　City

gentlemen　are　accustomed　to　reside。　　It　would　be　necessary　to　have

a　level；　but　he　had　provided　for　this　difficulty　by　proposing　that

the　best　line　that　the　circumstances　would　admit　of；　should　be

taken　through　the　sewers　which　undermine　the　streets　of　the

metropolis；　and　which；　well　lighted　by　jets　from　the　gas　pipes

which　run　immediately　above　them；　would　form　a　pleasant　and

commodious　arcade；　especially　in　winter…time；　when　the　inconvenient

custom　of　carrying　umbrellas；　now　so　general；　could　be　wholly

dispensed　with。　　In　reply　to　another　question；　Professor　Queerspeck

stated　that　no　substitute　for　the　purposes　to　which　these　arcades

were　at　present　devoted　had　yet　occurred　to　him；　but　that　he　hoped

no　fanciful　objection　on　this　head　would　be　allowed　to　interfere

with　so　great　an　undertaking。



'MR。　JOBBA　produced　a　forcing…machine　on　a　novel　plan；　for　bringing

joint…stock　railway　shares　prematurely　to　a　premium。　　The

instrument　was　in　the　form　of　an　elegant　gilt　weather…glass；　of

most　dazzling　appearance；　and　was　worked　behind；　by　strings；　after

the　manner　of　a　pantomime　trick；　the　strings　being　always　pulled　by

the　directors　of　the　company　to　which　the　machine　belonged。　　The

quicksilver　was　so　ingeniously　placed；　that　when　the　acting

directors　held　shares　in　their　pockets；　figures　denoting　very　small

expenses　and　very　large　returns　appeared　upon　the　glass；　but　the

moment　the　directors　parted　with　these　pieces　of　paper；　the

estimate　of　needful　expenditure　suddenly　increased　itself　to　an

immense　extent；　while　the　statements　of　certain　profits　became

reduced　in　the　same　proportion。　　Mr。　Jobba　stated　that　the　machine

had　been　in　constant　requisition　for　some　months　past；　and　he　had

never　once　known　it　to　fail。



'A　Member　expressed　his　opinion　that　it　was　extremely　neat　and

pretty。　　He　wished　to　know　whether　it　was　not　liable　to　accidental

derangement？　　Mr。　Jobba　said　that　the　whole　machine　was　undoubtedly

liable　to　be　blown　up；　but　that　was　the　only　objection　to　it。



'PROFESSOR　NOGO　arrived　from　the　anatomical　section　to　exhibit　a

model　of　a　safety　fire…escape；　which　could　be　fixed　at　any　time；　in

less　than　half　an　hour；　and　by　means　of　which；　the　youngest　or　most

infirm　persons　（successfully　resisting　the　progress　of　the　flames

until　it　was　quite　ready）　could　be　preserved　if　they　merely

balanced　themselves　for　a　few　minutes　on　the　sill　of　their　bedroom

window；　and　got　into　the　escape　without　falling　into　the　street。

The　Professor　stated　that　the　number　of　boys　who　had　been　rescued

in　the　daytime　by　this　machine　from　houses　which　were　not　on　fire；

was　almost　incredible。　　Not　a　conflagration　had　occurred　in　the

whole　of　London　for　many　months　past　to　which　the　escape　had　not

been　carried　on　the　very　next　day；　and　put　in　action　before　a

concourse　of　persons。



'THE　PRESIDENT　inquired　whether　there　was　not　some　difficulty　in

ascertaining　which　was　the　top　of　the　machine；　and　which　the

bottom；　in　cases　of　pressing　emergency。



'PROFESSOR　NOGO　explained　that　of　course　it　could　not　be　expected

to　act　quite　as　well　when　there　was　a　fire；　as　when　there　was　not　a

fire；　but　in　the　former　case　he　thought　it　would　be　of　equal

service　whether　the　top　were　up　or　down。'





With　the　last　section　our　correspondent　concludes　his　most　able　and

faithful　Report；　which　will　never　cease　to　reflect　credit　upon　him

for　his　scientific　attainments；　and　upon　us　for　our　enterprising

spirit。　　It　is　needless　to　take　a　review　of　the　subjects　which　have

been　discussed；　of　the　mode　in　which　they　have　been　examined；　of

the　great　truths　which　they　have　elicited。　　The