mudfog+-第9章

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been　discussed；　of　the　mode　in　which　they　have　been　examined；　of

the　great　truths　which　they　have　elicited。　　They　are　now　before　the

world；　and　we　leave　them　to　read；　to　consider；　and　to　profit。



The　place　of　meeting　for　next　year　has　undergone　discussion；　and

has　at　length　been　decided；　regard　being　had　to；　and　evidence　being

taken　upon；　the　goodness　of　its　wines；　the　supply　of　its　markets；

the　hospitality　of　its　inhabitants；　and　the　quality　of　its　hotels。

We　hope　at　this　next　meeting　our　correspondent　may　again　be

present；　and　that　we　may　be　once　more　the　means　of　placing　his

communications　before　the　world。　　Until　that　period　we　have　been

prevailed　upon　to　allow　this　number　of　our　Miscellany　to　be

retailed　to　the　public；　or　wholesaled　to　the　trade；　without　any

advance　upon　our　usual　price。



We　have　only　to　add；　that　the　committees　are　now　broken　up；　and

that　Mudfog　is　once　again　restored　to　its　accustomed　tranquillity；

…　that　Professors　and　Members　have　had　balls；　and　SOIREES；　and

suppers；　and　great　mutual　complimentations；　and　have　at　length

dispersed　to　their　several　homes；　…　whither　all　good　wishes　and

joys　attend　them；　until　next　year！



Signed　BOZ。







FULL　REPORT　OF　THE　SECOND　MEETING　OF　THE　MUDFOG　ASSOCIATION　FOR　THE

ADVANCEMENT　OF　EVERYTHING







In　October　last；　we　did　ourselves　the　immortal　credit　of　recording；

at　an　enormous　expense；　and　by　dint　of　exertions　unnpralleled　in

the　history　of　periodical　publication；　the　proceedings　of　the

Mudfog　Association　for　the　Advancement　of　Everything；　which　in　that

month　held　its　first　great　half…yearly　meeting；　to　the　wonder　and

delight　of　the　whole　empire。　　We　announced　at　the　conclusion　of

that　extraordinary　and　most　remarkable　Report；　that　when　the　Second

Meeting　of　the　Society　should　take　place；　we　should　be　found　again

at　our　post；　renewing　our　gigantic　and　spirited　endeavours；　and

once　more　making　the　world　ring　with　the　accuracy；　authenticity；

immeasurable　superiority；　and　intense　remarkability　of　our　account

of　its　proceedings。　　In　redemption　of　this　pledge；　we　caused　to　be

despatched　per　steam　to　Oldcastle　（at　which　place　this　second

meeting　of　the　Society　was　held　on　the　20th　instant）；　the　same

superhumanly…endowed　gentleman　who　furnished　the　former　report；　and

who；　…　gifted　by　nature　with　transcendent　abilities；　and　furnished

by　us　with　a　body　of　assistants　scarcely　inferior　to　himself；　…　has

forwarded　a　series　of　letters；　which；　for　faithfulness　of

description；　power　of　language；　fervour　of　thought；　happiness　of

expression；　and　importance　of　subject…matter；　have　no　equal　in　the

epistolary　literature　of　any　age　or　country。　　We　give　this

gentleman's　correspondence　entire；　and　in　the　order　in　which　it

reached　our　office。



'SALOON　OF　STEAMER；　THURSDAY　NIGHT；　HALF…PAST　EIGHT。



'When　I　left　New　Burlington　Street　this　evening　in　the　hackney

cabriolet；　number　four　thousand　two　hundred　and　eighty…five；　I

experienced　sensations　as　novel　as　they　were　oppressive。　　A　sense

of　the　importance　of　the　task　I　had　undertaken；　a　consciousness

that　I　was　leaving　London；　and；　stranger　still；　going　somewhere

else；　a　feeling　of　loneliness　and　a　sensation　of　jolting；　quite

bewildered　my　thoughts；　and　for　a　time　rendered　me　even　insensible

to　the　presence　of　my　carpet…bag　and　hat…box。　　I　shall　ever　feel

grateful　to　the　driver　of　a　Blackwall　omnibus　who；　by　thrusting　the

pole　of　his　vehicle　through　the　small　door　of　the　cabriolet；

awakened　me　from　a　tumult　of　imaginings　that　are　wholly

indescribable。　　But　of　such　materials　is　our　imperfect　nature

composed！



'I　am　happy　to　say　that　I　am　the　first　passenger　on　board；　and

shall　thus　be　enabled　to　give　you　an　account　of　all　that　happens　in

the　order　of　its　occurrence。　　The　chimney　is　smoking　a　good　deal；

and　so　are　the　crew；　and　the　captain；　I　am　informed；　is　very　drunk

in　a　little　house　upon　deck；　something　like　a　black　turnpike。　　I

should　infer　from　all　I　hear　that　he　has　got　the　steam　up。



'You　will　readily　guess　with　what　feelings　I　have　just　made　the

discovery　that　my　berth　is　in　the　same　closet　with　those　engaged　by

Professor　Woodensconce；　Mr。　Slug；　and　Professor　Grime。　　Professor

Woodensconce　has　taken　the　shelf　above　me；　and　Mr。　Slug　and

Professor　Grime　the　two　shelves　opposite。　　Their　luggage　has

already　arrived。　　On　Mr。　Slug's　bed　is　a　long　tin　tube　of　about

three　inches　in　diameter；　carefully　closed　at　both　ends。　　What　can

this　contain？　　Some　powerful　instrument　of　a　new　construction；

doubtless。'



'TEN　MINUTES　PAST　NINE。



'Nobody　has　yet　arrived；　nor　has　anything　fresh　come　in　my　way

except　several　joints　of　beef　and　mutton；　from　which　I　conclude

that　a　good　plain　dinner　has　been　provided　for　to…morrow。　　There　is

a　singular　smell　below；　which　gave　me　some　uneasiness　at　first；　but

as　the　steward　says　it　is　always　there；　and　never　goes　away；　I　am

quite　comfortable　again。　　I　learn　from　this　man　that　the　different

sections　will　be　distributed　at　the　Black　Boy　and　Stomach…ache；　and

the　Boot…jack　and　Countenance。　　If　this　intelligence　be　true　（and　I

have　no　reason　to　doubt　it）；　your　readers　will　draw　such

conclusions　as　their　different　opinions　may　suggest。



'I　write　down　these　remarks　as　they　occur　to　me；　or　as　the　facts

come　to　my　knowledge；　in　order　that　my　first　impressions　may　lose

nothing　of　their　original　vividness。　　I　shall　despatch　them　in

small　packets　as　opportunities　arise。'



'HALF　PAST　NINE。



'Some　dark　object　has　just　appeared　upon　the　wharf。　　I　think　it　is

a　travelling　carriage。'



'A　QUARTER　TO　TEN。



'No；　it　isn't。'



'HALF…PAST　TEN。



The　passengers　are　pouring　in　every　instant。　　Four　omnibuses　full

have　just　arrived　upon　the　wharf；　and　all　is　bustle　and　activity。

The　noise　and　confusion　are　very　great。　　Cloths　are　laid　in　the

cabins；　and　the　steward　is　placing　blue　plates　…　full　of　knobs　of

cheese　at　equal　distances　down　the　centre　of　the　tables。　　He　drops

a　great　many　knobs；　but；　being　used　to　it；　picks　them　up　again　with

great　dexterity；　and；　after　wiping　them　on　his　sleeve；　throws　them

back　into　the　plates。　　He　is　a　young　man　of　exceedingly

prepossessing　appearance　…　either　dirty　or　a　mulatto；　but　I　think

the　former。



'An　interesting　old　gentleman；　who　came　to　the　wharf　in　an　omnibus；

has　just　quarrelled　violently　with　the　porters；　and　is　staggering

towards　the　vessel　with　a　large　trunk　in　his　arms。　　I　trust　and

hope　that　he　may　reach　it　in　safety；　but　the　board　he　has　to　cross

is　narrow　and　slippery。　　Was　that　a　splash？　　Gracious　powers！



'I　have　just　returned　from　the　deck。　　The　trunk　is　standing　upon

the　extreme　brink　of　the　wharf；　but　the　old　gentleman　is　nowhere　to

be　seen。　　The　watchman　is　not　sure　whether　he　went　down　or　not；　but

promises　to　drag　for　him　the　first　thing　to…morrow　morning。　　May

his　humane　efforts　prove　successful！



'Professor　Nogo　has　this　moment　arrived　with　his　nightcap　on　under

his　hat。　　He　has　ordered　a　glass　of　cold　brandy　and　water；　with　a

hard　biscuit　and　a　basin；　and　has　gone　straight　to　bed。　　What　can

this　mean？



'The　three　other　scientific　gentlemen　to　whom　I　have　already

alluded　have　come　on　board；　and　have　all　tried　their　beds；　with　the

exception　of　Professor　Woodensconce；　who　sleeps　in　one　of　the　top

ones；　and　can't　get　into　it。　　Mr。　Slug；　who　sleeps　in　the　other　top

one；　is　unable　to　get　out　of　his；　and　is　to　have　his　supper　handed

up　by　a　boy。　　I　have　had　the　honour　to　introduce　myself　to　these

gentlemen；　and　we　have　amicably　arranged　the　order　in　which　we

shall　retire　to　rest；　which　it　is　necessary　to　agree　upon；　because；

although　the　cabin　is　very　comfortable；　there　is　not　room　for　more

than　one　gentleman　to　be　out　of　bed　at　a　time；　and　even　he　must

take　his　boots　off　in　the　passage。



'As　I　anticipated；　the　knobs　of　cheese　were　provided　for　the

passengers'　supper；　and　are　now　in　course　of　consumption。　　Your

readers　will　be　surprised　to　hear　that　Professor　Woodensconce　has

abstained　from　cheese　for　eight　years；　although　he　takes　butter　in

considerable　quantities。　　Professor　Grime　having　lost　several

teeth；　is　unable；　I　observe；　to　eat　his　crusts　without　previously

soaking　them　in　his　bottled　porter。　　How　interesting　are　these

peculiarities！'



'HALF…PAST　ELEVEN。



'Professors　Woodensconce　and　Grime；　with　a　degree　of　good　humour

that　delights　us　all；　have　just　arranged　to　toss　for　a　bottle　of

mulled　port。　　There　has　been　some　discussion　whether　the　payment

should　be　decided　by　the　first　toss　or　the　best　out　of　three。

Eventually　the　latter　course　has　been　determined　on。　　Deeply　do　I

wish　that　both　gentlemen　could　win；　but　that　being　impossible；　I

own　that　my　personal　aspirations　（I　speak　as　an　individual；　and　do

not　compromise　either　you　or　your　readers　by　this　expression　of

feeling）　are　with　Professor　Woodensconce。　　I　have　backed　that

gentleman　to　the　amount　of　eighteenpence。'



'TWENTY　MINUTES　TO　TWELVE。



'Professor　Grime　has　inadvertently　tossed　his　half…crown　out　of　one

of　the　cabin…windows；　and　it　has　been　arranged　that　the　steward

shall　toss　for　him。　　Bets　are　offered　on　any　side　to　any　amount；

but　there　are　no　takers。



'Professor　Woodensconce　has　just　called　〃woman；〃　but　the　coin

having　lodged　in　a　beam；　is　a　long　time　coming　down　again。　　The

interest　and　suspense　of　this　one　moment　are　beyond　anything　that

can　be　imagined。'



'TWELVE　O'CLOCK。



'The　mulled　port　is　smoking　on　the　table　before　me；　and　Professor

Grime　has　won。　　Tossing　is　a　game　of　chance；　but　on　every　ground；

whether　of　public　or　private　character；　intellectual　endowments；　or

scientific　attainments；　I　cannot　help　expressing　my　opinion　that

Professor　Woodensconce　OUGHT　to　have　come　off　victorious。　　There　is

an　exultation　about　Professor　Grime　incompatible；　I　fear；　with　true

greatness。'



'A　QUARTER　PAST　TWELVE。



'Professor　Grime　continues　to　exult；　and　to　boast　of　his　victory　in

no　very　measured　terms；　observing　that　he　always　does　win；　and　that

he　knew　it　would　be　a　〃head〃　beforehand；　with　many　other　remarks　of

a　similar　nature。　　Surely　this　gentleman　is　not　so　lost　to　every

feeling　of　decency　and　propriety　as　not　to　feel　and　know　the

superiority　of　Professor　Woodensconce？　　Is　Professor　Grime　insane？

or　does　he　wish　to　be　reminded　in　plain　language　of　his　true

position　in　society；　and　the　precise　level　of　his　acquirements　and

abilities？　　Professor　Grime　will　do　well　to　look　to　this。'



'ONE　O'CLOCK。



'I　am　writing　in　bed。　　The　small　cabin　is　illuminated　by　the　feeble

light　of　a　flickering　lamp　suspended　from　the　ceiling；　Professor

Grime　is　lying　on　the　opposite　shelf　on　the　broad　of　his　back；　with

his　mouth　wide　open。　　The　scene　is　indescribably　solemn。　　The

rippling　of　the　tide；　the　noise　of　the　sailors'　feet　overhead；　the

gruff　voices　on　the　river；　the　dogs　on　the　shore；　the　snoring　of

the　p