the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第11章

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sufferings　I　endured　taught　me　to　understand　those　of　Madame　de
Mortsauf。　We　began　by　exchanging　looks　of　comprehension；　tried　by　the
same　fire；　how　many　discoveries　I　made　during　those　first　forty　days！
of　actual　bitterness；　of　tacit　joys；　of　hopes　alternately　submerged
and　buoyant。　One　evening　I　found　her　pensively　watching　a　sunset　which
reddened　the　summits　with　so　ravishing　a　glow　that　it　was　impossible
not　to　listen　to　that　voice　of　the　eternal　Song　of　Songs　by　which
Nature　herself　bids　all　her　creatures　love。　Did　the　lost　illusions　of
her　girlhood　return　to　her？　Did　the　woman　suffer　from　an　inward
comparison？　I　fancied　I　perceived　a　desolation　in　her　attitude　that
was　favorable　to　my　first　appeal；　and　I　said；　〃Some　days　are　hard　to
bear。〃

〃You　read　my　soul；〃　she　answered；　〃but　how　have　you　done　so？〃

〃We　touch　at　many　points；〃　I　replied。　〃Surely　we　belong　to　the　small
number　of　human　beings　born　to　the　highest　joys　and　the　deepest
sorrows；　whose　feeling　qualities　vibrate　in　unison　and　echo　each　other
inwardly；　whose　sensitive　natures　are　in　harmony　with　the　principle　of
things。　Put　such　beings　among　surroundings　where　all　is　discord　and
they　suffer　horribly；　just　as　their　happiness　mounts　to　exaltation
when　they　meet　ideas；　or　feelings；　or　other　beings　who　are　congenial
to　them。　But　there　is　still　a　third　condition；　where　sorrows　are　known
only　to　souls　affected　by　the　same　distress；　in　this　alone　is　the
highest　fraternal　comprehension。　It　may　happen　that　such　souls　find　no
outlet　either　for　good　or　evil。　Then　the　organ　within　us　endowed　with
expression　and　motion　is　exercised　in　a　void；　expends　its　passion
without　an　object；　utters　sounds　without　melody；　and　cries　that　are
lost　in　solitude；terrible　defeat　of　a　soul　which　revolts　against　the
inutility　of　nothingness。　These　are　struggles　in　which　our　strength
oozes　away　without　restraint；　as　blood　from　an　inward　wound。　The
sensibilities　flow　to　waste　and　the　result　is　a　horrible　weakening　of
the　soul；　an　indescribable　melancholy　for　which　the　confessional
itself　has　no　ears。　Have　I　not　expressed　our　mutual　sufferings？〃

She　shuddered；　and　then　without　removing　her　eyes　from　the　setting
sun；　she　said；　〃How　is　it　that；　young　as　you　are；　you　know　these
things？　Were　you　once　a　woman？〃

〃Ah！〃　I　replied；　〃my　childhood　was　like　a　long　illness〃

〃I　hear　Madeleine　coughing；〃　she　cried；　leaving　me　abruptly。

The　countess　showed　no　displeasure　at　my　constant　visits；　and　for　two
reasons。　In　the　first　place　she　was　pure　as　a　child；　and　her　thoughts
wandered　into　no　forbidden　regions；　in　the　next　I　amused　the　count　and
made　a　sop　for　that　lion　without　claws　or　mane。　I　found　an　excuse　for
my　visits　which　seemed　plausible　to　every　one。　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf
proposed　to　teach　me　backgammon；　and　I　accepted；　as　I　did　so　the
countess　was　betrayed　into　a　look　of　compassion；　which　seemed　to　say；
〃You　are　flinging　yourself　into　the　jaws　of　the　lion。〃　If　I　did　not
understand　this　at　the　time；　three　days　had　not　passed　before　I　knew
what　I　had　undertaken。　My　patience；　which　nothing　exhausts；　the　fruit
of　my　miserable　childhood；　ripened　under　this　last　trial。　The　count
was　delighted　when　he　could　jeer　at　me　for　not　putting　in　practice　the
principles　or　the　rules　he　had　explained；　if　I　reflected　before　I
played　he　complained　of　my　slowness；　if　I　played　fast　he　was　angry
because　I　hurried　him；　if　I　forgot　to　mark　my　points　he　declared；
making　his　profit　out　of　the　mistake；　that　I　was　always　too　rapid。　It
was　like　the　tyranny　of　a　schoolmaster；　the　despotism　of　the　rod；　of
which　I　can　really　give　you　no　idea　unless　I　compare　myself　to
Epictetus　under　the　yoke　of　a　malicious　child。　When　we　played　for
money　his　winnings　gave　him　the　meanest　and　most　abject　delight。

A　word　from　his　wife　was　enough　to　console　me；　and　it　frequently
recalled　him　to　a　sense　of　politeness　and　good…breeding。　But　before
long　I　fell　into　the　furnace　of　an　unexpected　misery。　My　money　was
disappearing　under　these　losses。　Though　the　count　was　always　present
during　my　visits　until　I　left　the　house；　which　was　sometimes　very
late；　I　cherished　the　hope　of　finding　some　moment　when　I　might　say　a
word　that　would　reach　my　idol's　heart；　but　to　obtain　that　moment；　for
which　I　watched　and　waited　with　a　hunter's　painful　patience；　I　was
forced　to　continue　these　weary　games；　during　which　my　feelings　were
lacerated　and　my　money　lost。　Still；　there　were　moments　when　we　were
silent；　she　and　I；　looking　at　the　sunlight　on　the　meadows；　the　clouds
in　a　gray　sky；　the　misty　hills；　or　the　quivering　of　the　moon　on　the
sandbanks　of　the　river；　saying　only；　〃Night　is　beautiful！〃

〃Night　is　woman；　madame。〃

〃What　tranquillity！〃

〃Yes；　no　one　can　be　absolutely　wretched　here。〃

Then　she　would　return　to　her　embroidery　frame。　I　came　at　last　to　hear
the　inward　beatings　of　an　affection　which　sought　its　object。　But　the
fact　remainedwithout　money；　farewell　to　these　evenings。　I　wrote　to
my　mother　to　send　me　some。　She　scolded　me　and　sent　only　enough　to　last
a　week。　Where　could　I　get　more？　My　life　depended　on　it。　Thus　it
happened　that　in　the　dawn　of　my　first　great　happiness　I　found　the　same
sufferings　that　assailed　me　elsewhere；　but　in　Paris；　at　college；　at
school　I　evaded　them　by　abstinence；　there　my　privations　were　negative；
at　Frapesle　they　were　active；　so　active　that　I　was　possessed　by　the
impulse　to　theft；　by　visions　of　crime；　furious　desperations　which　rend
the　soul　and　must　be　subdued　under　pain　of　losing　our　self…respect。
The　memory　of　what　I　suffered　through　my　mother's　parsimony　taught　me
that　indulgence　for　young　men　which　one　who　has　stood　upon　the　brink
of　the　abyss　and　measured　its　depths；　without　falling　into　them；　must
inevitably　feel。　Though　my　own　rectitude　was　strengthened　by　those
moments　when　life　opened　and　let　me　see　the　rocks　and　quicksands
beneath　the　surface；　I　have　never　known　that　terrible　thing　called
human　justice　draw　its　blade　through　the　throat　of　a　criminal　without
saying　to　myself：　〃Penal　laws　are　made　by　men　who　have　never　known
misery。〃

At　this　crisis　I　happened　to　find　a　treatise　on　backgammon　in　Monsieur
de　Chessel's　library；　and　I　studied　it。　My　host　was　kind　enough　to
give　me　a　few　lessons；　less　harshly　taught　by　the　count　I　made　good
progress　and　applied　the　rules　and　calculations　I　knew　by　heart。
Within　a　few　days　I　was　able　to　beat　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf；　but　no
sooner　had　I　done　so　and　won　his　money　for　the　first　time　than　his
temper　became　intolerable；　his　eyes　glittered　like　those　of　tigers；
his　face　shrivelled；　his　brows　knit　as　I　never　saw　brows　knit　before
or　since。　His　complainings　were　those　of　a　fretful　child。　Sometimes　he
flung　down　the　dice；　quivered　with　rage；　bit　the　dice…box；　and　said
insulting　things　to　me。　Such　violence；　however；　came　to　an　end。　When　I
had　acquired　enough　mastery　of　the　game　I　played　it　to　suit　me；　I　so
managed　that　we　were　nearly　equal　up　to　the　last　moment；　I　allowed　him
to　win　the　first　half　and　made　matters　even　during　the　last　half。　The
end　of　the　world　would　have　surprised　him　less　than　the　rapid
superiority　of　his　pupil；　but　he　never　admitted　it。　The　unvarying
result　of　our　games　was　a　topic　of　discourse　on　which　he　fastened。

〃My　poor　head；〃　he　would　say；　〃is　fatigued；　you　manage　to　win　the　last
of　the　game　because　by　that　time　I　lose　my　skill。〃

The　countess；　who　knew　backgammon；　understood　my　manoeuvres　from　the
first；　and　gave　me　those　mute　thanks　which　swell　the　heart　of　a　young
man；　she　granted　me　the　same　look　she　gave　to　her　children。　From　that
ever…blessed　evening　she　always　looked　at　me　when　she　spoke。　I　cannot
explain　to　you　the　condition　I　was　in　when　I　left　her。　My　soul　had
annihilated　my　body；　it　weighed　nothing；　I　did　not　walk；　I　flew。　That
look　I　carried　within　me；　it　bathed　me　with　light　just　as　her　last
words；　〃Adieu；　monsieur；〃　still　sounded　in　my　soul　with　the　harmonies
of　〃O　filii；　o　filioe〃　in　the　paschal　choir。　I　was　born　into　a　new
life；　I　was　something　to　her！　I　slept　on　purple　and　fine　linen。　Flames
darted　before　my　closed　eyelids；　chasing　each　other　in　the　darkness
like　threads　of　fire　in　the　ashes　of　burned　paper。　In　my　dreams　her
voice　became；　though　I　cannot　describe　it；　palpable；　an　atmosphere　of
light　and　fragrance　wrapping　me；　a　melody　enfolding　my　spirit。　On　the
morrow　her　greeting　expressed　the　fulness　of　feelings　that　remained
unuttered；　and　from　that　moment　I　was　initiated　into　the　secrets　of
her　voice。

That　day　was　to　be　one　of　the　most　decisive　of　my　life。　After　dinner
we　walked　on　the　heights　across　a　barren　plain　where　no　herbage　grew；
the　ground　was　stony；　arid；　and　without　vegetable　soil　of　any　kind；
nevertheless　a　few　scrub　oaks　and　thorny　bushes　straggled　there；　and
in　place　of　grass；　a　carpet　of　crimped　mosses；　illuminated　by　the
setting　sun　and　so　dry　that　our　feet　slipped　upon　it。　I　held　Madeleine
by　the　hand　to　keep　her　up。　Madame　de　Mortsauf　was　leading　Jacques。
The　count；　who　was　in　front；　suddenly　turned　round　and　striking　the
earth　with　his　cane　said　to　me　in　a　dreadful　tone：　〃Such　is　my　life！
but　before　I　knew　you；〃　he　added　with　a　look　of　penitence　at　his　wife。
The　reparation　was　tardy；　for　the　countess　had　turned　pale；　what　woman
would　not　have　staggered　as　she　did　under　the　blow？

〃But　what　delightful　scenes　are　wafted　here；　and　what　a　view　of　the
sunset！〃　I　cried。　〃For　my　part　I　should　like　to　own　this　barren　moor；
I　fancy　there　may　be　treasures　if　we　dig　for　them。　But　its　greatest
wealth　is　that　of　being　near　you。　Who　would　not　pay　a　great　cost　for
such　a　view？all　harmony　to　the　eye；　with　that　winding　river　where
the　soul　may　bathe　among　the　ash…trees　and　the　alders。　See　the
difference　of　taste！　To　you　this　spot　of　earth　is　a　barren　waste；　to
me；　it　is　paradise。〃

She　thanked　me　with　a　look。

〃Bucolics！〃　exclaimed　the　count；　with　a　bitter　look。　〃This　is　no　life
for　a　man　who　bears　your　name。〃　Then　he　suddenly　changed　his　tone
〃The　bells！〃　he　cried；　〃don't　you　hear　the　bells　of　Azay？　I　hear　them
ringing。〃

Madame　de　Mortsauf　gave　me　a　frightened　look。　Madeleine　clung　to　my
hand。

〃Suppose　we　play　a　game　of　backgammon？〃　I　said。　〃Let　us　go　back；　the
rattle　of　the　dice　will　drown　the　sound　of　the　bells。〃

We　returned　to　Clochegourde；　conversing　by　fits　and　starts。　Once　in
the　salon　an　indefinable　uncertainty　and　dread　took　possession　of　us。
The　count　flung　himself　into　an　armchair；　absorbed　in　reverie；　which
his　wife；　who　knew　the　symptoms　of　his　malady　and　could　foresee　an
outbreak；　was　careful　not　to　interrupt。　I　also　kept　silence。　As　she
gave　me　no　hint　to　leave；　perhaps　she　thought　backgammon　might　divert
the　count's　mind　and　quiet　those　fatal　nervous　susceptibilities；　the
excitements　of　which　were　killing　him。　Nothing　was　ever　harder　than　to
make　him　play　that　game；　which；　however；　he　had　a　great　desire　to
play。　Like　a　pretty　woman；　he　always　required　to　be　coaxed；　entreated；
forced；　so　that　he　might　not　seem　the　obliged　person。　If　by　chance；
being　interested　in　the　conversation；　I　forgot　to　propose　it；　he　grew
sulky；　bitter；　insulting；　and　spoiled　the　talk　by　contradicting
everything。　If；　warned　by　his　ill…humor；　I　suggested　a　game；　he　would
dally　and　demur