the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第12章

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everything。　If；　warned　by　his　ill…humor；　I　suggested　a　game；　he　would
dally　and　demur。　〃In　the　first　place；　it　is　too　late；〃　he　would　say；
〃besides；　I　don't　care　for　it。〃　Then　followed　a　series　of　affectations
like　those　of　women；　which　often　leave　you　in　ignorance　of　their　real
wishes。

On　this　occasion　I　pretended　a　wild　gaiety　to　induce　him　to　play。　He
complained　of　giddiness　which　hindered　him　from　calculating；　his
brain；　he　said；　was　squeezed　into　a　vice；　he　heard　noises；　he　was
choking；　and　thereupon　he　sighed　heavily。　At　last；　however；　he
consented　to　the　game。　Madame　de　Mortsauf　left　us　to　put　the　children
to　bed　and　lead　the　household　in　family　prayers。　All　went　well　during
her　absence；　I　allowed　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　to　win；　and　his　delight
seemed　to　put　him　beside　himself。　This　sudden　change　from　a　gloom　that
led　him　to　make　the　darkest　predictions　to　the　wild　joy　of　a　drunken
man；　expressed　in　a　crazy　laugh　and　without　any　adequate　motive；
distressed　and　alarmed　me。　I　had　never　seen　him　in　quite　so　marked　a
paroxysm。　Our　intimacy　had　borne　fruits　in　the　fact　that　he　no　longer
restrained　himself　before　me。　Day　by　day　he　had　endeavored　to　bring　me
under　his　tyranny；　and　obtain　fresh　food；　as　it　were；　for　his　evil
temper；　for　it　really　seems　as　though　moral　diseases　were　creatures
with　appetites　and　instincts；　seeking　to　enlarge　the　boundaries　of
their　empire　as　a　landowner　seeks　to　increase　his　domain。

Presently　the　countess　came　down；　and　sat　close　to　the　backgammon
table；　apparently　for　better　light　on　her　embroidery；　though　the
anxiety　which　led　her　to　place　her　frame　was　ill…concealed。　A　piece　of
fatal　ill…luck　which　I　could　not　prevent　changed　the　count's　face；
from　gaiety　it　fell　to　gloom；　from　purple　it　became　yellow；　and　his
eyes　rolled。　Then　followed　worse　ill…luck；　which　I　could　neither　avert
nor　repair。　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　made　a　fatal　throw　which　decided　the
game。　Instantly　he　sprang　up；　flung　the　table　at　me　and　the　lamp　on
the　floor；　struck　the　chimney…piece　with　his　fist　and　jumped；　for　I
cannot　say　he　walked；　about　the　room。　The　torrent　of　insults；
imprecations；　and　incoherent　words　which　rushed　from　his　lips　would
have　made　an　observer　think　of　the　old　tales　of　satanic　possession　in
the　Middle　Ages。　Imagine　my　position！

〃Go　into　the　garden；〃　said　the　countess；　pressing　my　hand。

I　left　the　room　before　the　count　could　notice　my　disappearance。　On　the
terrace；　where　I　slowly　walked　about；　I　heard　his　shouts　and　then　his
moans　from　the　bedroom　which　adjoined　the　dining…room。　Also　I　heard　at
intervals　through　that　tempest　of　sound　the　voice　of　an　angel；　which
rose　like　the　song　of　a　nightingale　as　the　rain　ceases。　I　walked　about
under　the　acacias　in　the　loveliest　night　of　the　month　of　August；
waiting　for　the　countess　to　join　me。　I　knew　she　would　come；　her
gesture　promised　it。　For　several　days　an　explanation　seemed　to　float
between　us；　a　word　would　suffice　to　send　it　gushing　from　the　spring；
overfull；　in　our　souls。　What　timidity　had　thus　far　delayed　a　perfect
understanding　between　us？　Perhaps　she　loved；　as　I　did；　these
quiverings　of　the　spirit　which　resembled　emotions　of　fear　and　numbed
the　sensibilities　while　we　held　our　life　unuttered　within　us；
hesitating　to　unveil　its　secrets　with　the　modesty　of　the　young　girl
before　the　husband　she　loves。　An　hour　passed。　I　was　sitting　on　the
brick　balustrade　when　the　sound　of　her　footsteps　blending　with　the
undulating　ripple　of　her　flowing　gown　stirred　the　calm　air　of　the
night。　These　are　sensations　to　which　the　heart　suffices　not。

〃Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　is　sleeping；〃　she　said。　〃When　he　is　thus　I　give
him　an　infusion　of　poppies；　a　cup　of　water　in　which　a　few　poppies　have
been　steeped；　the　attacks　are　so　infrequent　that　this　simple　remedy
never　loses　its　effectMonsieur；〃　she　continued；　changing　her　tone
and　using　the　most　persuasive　inflexion　of　her　voice；　〃this　most
unfortunate　accident　has　revealed　to　you　a　secret　which　has　hitherto
been　sedulously　kept；　promise　me　to　bury　the　recollection　of　that
scene。　Do　this　for　my　sake；　I　beg　of　you。　I　don't　ask　you　to　swear　it；
give　me　your　word　of　honor　and　I　shall　be　content。〃

〃Need　I　give　it　to　you？〃　I　said。　〃Do　we　not　understand　each　other？〃

〃You　must　not　judge　unfavorably　of　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf；　you　see　the
effects　of　his　many　sufferings　under　the　emigration；〃　she　went　on。
〃To…morrow　he　will　entirely　forget　all　that　he　has　said　and　done；　you
will　find　him　kind　and　excellent　as　ever。〃

〃Do　not　seek　to　excuse　him；　madame；〃　I　replied。　〃I　will　do　all　you
wish。　I　would　fling　myself　into　the　Indre　at　this　moment　if　I　could
restore　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf's　health　and　ensure　you　a　happy　life。　The
only　thing　I　cannot　change　is　my　opinion。　I　can　give　you　my　life；　but
not　my　convictions；　I　can　pay　no　heed　to　what　he　says；　but　can　I
hinder　him　from　saying　it？　No；　in　my　opinion　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf
is〃

〃I　understand　you；〃　she　said；　hastily　interrupting　me；　〃you　are　right。
The　count　is　as　nervous　as　a　fashionable　woman；〃　she　added；　as　if　to
conceal　the　idea　of　madness　by　softening　the　word。　〃But　he　is　only　so
at　intervals；　once　a　year；　when　the　weather　is　very　hot。　Ah；　what
evils　have　resulted　from　the　emigration！　How　many　fine　lives　ruined！
He　would　have　been；　I　am　sure　of　it；　a　great　soldier；　an　honor　to　his
country〃

〃I　know；〃　I　said；　interrupting　in　my　turn　to　let　her　see　that　it　was
useless　to　attempt　to　deceive　me。

She　stopped；　laid　one　hand　lightly　on　my　brow；　and　looked　at　me。　〃Who
has　sent　you　here；〃　she　said；　〃into　this　home？　Has　God　sent　me　help；　a
true　friendship　to　support　me？〃　She　paused；　then　added；　as　she　laid
her　hand　firmly　upon　mine；　〃For　you　are　good　and　generous〃　She
raised　her　eyes　to　heaven；　as　if　to　invoke　some　invisible　testimony　to
confirm　her　thought；　and　then　let　them　rest　upon　me。　Electrified　by
the　look；　which　cast　a　soul　into　my　soul；　I　was　guilty；　judging　by
social　laws；　of　a　want　of　tact；　though　in　certain　natures　such
indelicacy　really　means　a　brave　desire　to　meet　danger；　to　avert　a
blow；　to　arrest　an　evil　before　it　happens；　oftener　still；　an　abrupt
call　upon　a　heart；　a　blow　given　to　learn　if　it　resounds　in　unison　with
ours。　Many　thoughts　rose　like　gleams　within　my　mind　and　bade　me　wash
out　the　stain　that　blotted　my　conscience　at　this　moment　when　I　was
seeking　a　complete　understanding。

〃Before　we　say　more；〃　I　said　in　a　voice　shaken　by　the　throbbings　of　my
heart；　which　could　be　heard　in　the　deep　silence　that　surrounded　us；
〃suffer　me　to　purify　one　memory　of　the　past。〃

〃Hush！〃　she　said　quickly；　touching　my　lips　with　a　finger　which　she
instantly　removed。　She　looked　at　me　haughtily；　with　the　glance　of　a
woman　who　knows　herself　too　exalted　for　insult　to　reach　her。　〃Be
silent；　I　know　of　what　you　are　about　to　speak；the　first；　the　last；
the　only　outrage　ever　offered　to　me。　Never　speak　to　me　of　that　ball。
If　as　a　Christian　I　have　forgiven　you；　as　a　woman　I　still　suffer　from
your　act。〃

〃You　are　more　pitiless　than　God　himself；〃　I　said；　forcing　back　the
tears　that　came　into　my　eyes。

〃I　ought　to　be　so；　I　am　more　feeble；〃　she　replied。

〃But；〃　I　continued　with　the　persistence　of　a　child；　〃listen　to　me　now
if　only　for　the　first；　the　last；　the　only　time　in　your　life。〃

〃Speak；　then；〃　she　said；　〃speak；　or　you　will　think　I　dare　not　hear
you。〃

Feeling　that　this　was　the　turning　moment　of　our　lives；　I　spoke　to　her
in　the　tone　that　commands　attention；　I　told　her　that　all　women　whom　I
had　ever　seen　were　nothing　to　me；　but　when　I　met　her；　I；　whose　life
was　studious；　whose　nature　was　not　bold；　I　had　been；　as　it　were；
possessed　by　a　frenzy　that　no　one　who　once　felt　it　could　condemn；　that
never　heart　of　man　had　been　so　filled　with　the　passion　which　no　being
can　resist；　which　conquers　all　things；　even　death

〃And　contempt？〃　she　asked；　stopping　me。

〃Did　you　despise　me？〃　I　exclaimed。

〃Let　us　say　no　more　on　this　subject；〃　she　replied。

〃No；　let　me　say　all！〃　I　replied；　in　the　excitement　of　my　intolerable
pain。　〃It　concerns　my　life；　my　whole　being；　my　inward　self；　it
contains　a　secret　you　must　know　or　I　must　die　in　despair。　It　also
concerns　you；　who；　unawares；　are　the　lady　in　whose　hand　is　the　crown
promised　to　the　victor　in　the　tournament！〃

Then　I　related　to　her　my　childhood　and　youth；　not　as　I　have　told　it　to
you；　judged　from　a　distance；　but　in　the　language　of　a　young　man　whose
wounds　are　still　bleeding。　My　voice　was　like　the　axe　of　a　woodsman　in
the　forest。　At　every　word　the　dead　years　fell　with　echoing　sound；
bristling　with　their　anguish　like　branches　robbed　of　their　foliage。　I
described　to　her　in　feverish　language　many　cruel　details　which　I　have
here　spared　you。　I　spread　before　her　the　treasure　of　my　radiant　hopes；
the　virgin　gold　of　my　desires；　the　whole　of　a　burning　heart　kept　alive
beneath　the　snow　of　these　Alps；　piled　higher　and　higher　by　perpetual
winter。　When；　bowed　down　by　the　weight　of　these　remembered　sufferings；
related　as　with　the　live　coal　of　Isaiah；　I　awaited　the　reply　of　the
woman　who　listened　with　a　bowed　head；　she　illumined　the　darkness　with
a　look；　she　quickened　the　worlds　terrestrial　and　divine　with　a　single
sentence。

〃We　have　had　the　same　childhood！〃　she　said；　turning　to　me　a　face　on
which　the　halo　of　the　martyrs　shone。

After　a　pause；　in　which　our　souls　were　wedded　in　the　one　consoling
thought；　〃I　am　not　alone　in　suffering；〃　the　countess　told　me；　in　the
voice　she　kept　for　her　little　ones；　how　unwelcome　she　was　as　a　girl
when　sons　were　wanted。　She　showed　me　how　her　troubles　as　a　daughter
bound　to　her　mother's　side　differed　from　those　of　a　boy　cast　out　upon
the　world　of　school　and　college　life。　My　desolate　neglect　seemed　to　me
a　paradise　compared　to　that　contact　with　a　millstone　under　which　her
soul　was　ground　until　the　day　when　her　good　aunt；　her　true　mother；　had
saved　her　from　this　misery；　the　ever…recurring　pain　of　which　she　now
related　to　me；　misery　caused　sometimes　by　incessant　faultfinding；
always　intolerable　to　high…strung　natures　which　do　not　shrink　before
death　itself　but　die　beneath　the　sword　of　Damocles；　sometimes　by　the
crushing　of　generous　impulses　beneath　an　icy　hand；　by　the　cold
rebuffal　of　her　kisses；　by　a　stern　command　of　silence；　first　imposed
and　then　as　often　blamed；　by　inward　tears　that　dared　not　flow　but
stayed　within　the　heart；　in　short；　by　all　the　bitterness　and　tyranny
of　convent　rule；　hidden　to　the　eyes　of　the　world　under　the　appearance
of　an　exalted　motherly　devotion。　She　gratified　her　mother's　vanity
before　strangers；　but　she　dearly　paid　in　private　for　this　homage。
When；　believing　that　by　obedience　and　gentleness　she　had　softened　her
mother's　heart；　she　opened　hers；　the　tyrant　only　armed　herself　with
the　girl's　confidence。　No　spy　was　ever　more　traitorous　and　base。　All
the　pleasures　of　girlhood；　even　her　fete　days；　were　dearly　purchased；
for　she　was　scolded　for　her　gaiety　as　much　as　for　her　faults。　No
teaching　and　no　training　for　her　position　had　been　given　in　love；
always　with　sarcastic　irony。　She　was　not　angry　against　her　mother；　in
fact　she　blamed　herself　for　feeling　more　terror　than　love　for　her。
〃Perhaps；〃　she　said；　dear　angel；　〃these　severities　were　needful；　they
had　certainly　prepared　her　fo