the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第13章

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〃Perhaps；〃　she　said；　dear　angel；　〃these　severities　were　needful；　they
had　certainly　prepared　her　for　her　present　life。〃　As　I　listened　it
seemed　to　me　that　the　harp　of　Job；　from　which　I　had　drawn　such　savage
sounds；　now　touched　by　the　Christian　fingers　gave　forth　the　litanies
of　the　Virgin　at　the　foot　of　the　cross。

〃We　lived　in　the　same　sphere　before　we　met　in　this；〃　I　said；　〃you
coming　from　the　east；　I　from　the　west。〃

She　shook　her　head　with　a　gesture　of　despair。

〃To　you　the　east；　to　me　the　west；〃　she　replied。　〃You　will　live　happy；
I　must　die　of　pain。　Life　is　what　we　make　of　it；　and　mine　is　made
forever。　No　power　can　break　the　heavy　chain　to　which　a　woman　is
fastened　by　this　ring　of　goldthe　emblem　of　a　wife's　purity。〃

We　knew　we　were　twins　of　one　womb；　she　never　dreamed　of　a　half…
confidence　between　brothers　of　the　same　blood。　After　a　short　sigh；
natural　to　pure　hearts　when　they　first　open　to　each　other；　she　told　me
of　her　first　married　life；　her　deceptions　and　disillusions；　the
rebirth　of　her　childhood's　misery。　Like　me；　she　had　suffered　under
trifles；　mighty　to　souls　whose　limpid　substance　quivers　to　the　least
shock；　as　a　lake　quivers　on　the　surface　and　to　its　utmost　depths　when
a　stone　is　flung　into　it。　When　she　married　she　possessed　some　girlish
savings；　a　little　gold；　the　fruit　of　happy　hours　and　repressed
fancies。　These；　in　a　moment　when　they　were　needed；　she　gave　to　her
husband；　not　telling　him　they　were　gifts　and　savings　of　her　own。　He
took　no　account　of　them；　and　never　regarded　himself　her　debtor。　She
did　not　even　obtain　the　glance　of　thanks　that　would　have　paid　for　all。
Ah！　how　she　went　from　trial　to　trial！　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　habitually
neglected　to　give　her　money　for　the　household。　When；　after　a　struggle
with　her　timidity；　she　asked　him　for　it；　he　seemed　surprised　and　never
once　spared　her　the　mortification　of　petitioning　for　necessities。　What
terror　filled　her　mind　when　the　real　nature　of　the　ruined　man's
disease　was　revealed　to　her；　and　she　quailed　under　the　first　outbreak
of　his　mad　anger！　What　bitter　reflections　she　had　made　before　she
brought　herself　to　admit　that　her　husband　was　a　wreck！　What　horrible
calamities　had　come　of　her　bearing　children！　What　anguish　she　felt　at
the　sight　of　those　infants　born　almost　dead！　With　what　courage　had　she
said　in　her　heart：　〃I　will　breathe　the　breath　of　life　into　them；　I
will　bear　them　anew　day　by　day！〃　Then　conceive　the　bitterness　of
finding　her　greatest　obstacle　in　the　heart　and　hand　from　which　a　wife
should　draw　her　greatest　succor！　She　saw　the　untold　disaster　that
threatened　him。　As　each　difficulty　was　conquered；　new　deserts　opened
before　her；　until　the　day　when　she　thoroughly　understood　her　husband's
condition；　the　constitution　of　her　children；　and　the　character　of　the
neighborhood　in　which　she　lived；　a　day　when　（like　the　child　taken　by
Napoleon　from　a　tender　home）　she　taught　her　feet　to　trample　through
mud　and　snow；　she　trained　her　nerves　to　bullets　and　all　her　being　to
the　passive　obedience　of　a　soldier。

These　things；　of　which　I　here　make　a　summary；　she　told　me　in　all　their
dark　extent；　with　every　piteous　detail　of　conjugal　battles　lost　and
fruitless　struggles。

〃You　would　have　to　live　here　many　months；〃　she　said；　in　conclusion；
〃to　understand　what　difficulties　I　have　met　with　in　improving
Clochegourde；　what　persuasions　I　have　had　to　use　to　make　him　do　a
thing　which　was　most　important　to　his　interests。　You　cannot　imagine
the　childish　glee　he　has　shown　when　anything　that　I　advised　was　not　at
once　successful。　All　that　turned　out　well　he　claimed　for　himself。　Yes；
I　need　an　infinite　patience　to　bear　his　complaints　when　I　am　half…
exhausted　in　the　effort　to　amuse　his　weary　hours；　to　sweeten　his　life
and　smooth　the　paths　which　he　himself　has　strewn　with　stones。　The
reward　he　gives　me　is　that　awful　cry：　'Let　me　die；　life　is　a　burden　to
me！'　When　visitors　are　here　and　he　enjoys　them；　he　forgets　his　gloom
and　is　courteous　and　polite。　You　ask　me　why　he　cannot　be　so　to　his
family。　I　cannot　explain　that　want　of　loyalty　in　a　man　who　is　truly
chivalrous。　He　is　quite　capable　of　riding　at　full　speed　to　Paris　to
buy　me　a　set　of　ornaments；　as　he　did　the　other　day　before　the　ball。
Miserly　in　his　household；　he　would　be　lavish　upon　me　if　I　wished　it。　I
would　it　were　reversed；　I　need　nothing　for　myself；　but　the　wants　of
the　household　are　many。　In　my　strong　desire　to　make　him　happy；　and　not
reflecting　that　I　might　be　a　mother；　I　began　my　married　life　by
letting　him　treat　me　as　a　victim；　I；　who　at　that　time　by　using　a　few
caresses　could　have　led　him　like　a　childbut　I　was　unable　to　play　a
part　I　should　have　thought　disgraceful。　Now；　however；　the　welfare　of
my　family　requires　me　to　be　as　calm　and　stern　as　the　figure　of　Justice
and　yet；　I　too　have　a　heart　that　overflows　with　tenderness。〃

〃But　why；〃　I　said；　〃do　you　not　use　this　great　influence　to　master　him
and　govern　him？〃

〃If　it　concerned　myself　only　I　should　not　attempt　either　to　overcome
the　dogged　silence　with　which　for　days　together　he　meets　my　arguments；
nor　to　answer　his　irrational　remarks；　his　childish　reasons。　I　have　no
courage　against　weakness；　any　more　than　I　have　against　childhood；　they
may　strike　me　as　they　will；　I　cannot　resist。　Perhaps　I　might　meet
strength　with　strength；　but　I　am　powerless　against　those　I　pity。　If　I
were　required　to　coerce　Madeleine　in　some　matter　that　would　save　her
life；　I　should　die　with　her。　Pity　relaxes　all　my　fibres　and　unstrings
my　nerves。　So　it　is　that　the　violent　shocks　of　the　last　ten　years　have
broken　me　down；　my　feelings；　so　often　battered；　are　numb　at　times；
nothing　can　revive　them；　even　the　courage　with　which　I　once　faced　my
troubles　begins　to　fail　me。　Yes；　sometimes　I　am　beaten。　For　want　of
restI　mean　reposeand　sea…baths　by　which　to　recover　my　nervous
strength；　I　shall　perish。　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　will　have　killed　me；
and　he　will　die　of　my　death。〃

〃Why　not　leave　Clochegourde　for　a　few　months？　Surely　you　could　take
your　children　and　go　to　the　seashore。〃

〃In　the　first　place；　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　would　think　he　were　lost　if
I　left　him。　Though　he　will　not　admit　his　condition　he　is　well　aware　of
it。　He　is　both　sane　and　mad；　two　natures　in　one　man；　a　contradiction
which　explains　many　an　irrational　action。　Besides　this；　he　would　have
good　reason　for　objecting。　Nothing　would　go　right　here　if　I　were
absent。　You　may　have　seen　in　me　the　mother　of　a　family　watchful　to
protect　her　young　from　the　hawk　that　is　hovering　over　them；　a　weighty
task；　indeed；　but　harder　still　are　the　cares　imposed　upon　me　by
Monsieur　de　Mortsauf；　whose　constant　cry；　as　he　follows　me　about　is；
'Where　is　Madame？'　I　am　Jacques'　tutor　and　Madeleine's　governess；　but
that　is　not　all；　I　am　bailiff　and　steward　too。　You　will　understand
what　that　means　when　you　come　to　see；　as　you　will；　that　the　working　of
an　estate　in　these　parts　is　the　most　fatiguing　of　all　employments。　We
get　small　returns　in　money；　the　farms　are　cultivated　on　shares；　a
system　which　needs　the　closest　supervision。　We　are　obliged　ourselves
to　sell　our　own　produce；　our　cattle　and　harvests　of　all　kinds。　Our
competitors　in　the　markets　are　our　own　farmers；　who　meet　consumers　in
the　wine…shops　and　determine　prices　by　selling　first。　I　should　weary
you　if　I　explained　the　many　difficulties　of　agriculture　in　this
region。　No　matter　what　care　I　give　to　it；　I　cannot　always　prevent　our
tenants　from　putting　our　manure　upon　their　ground；　I　cannot　be　ever　on
the　watch　lest　they　take　advantage　of　us　in　the　division　of　the　crops；
neither　can　I　always　know　the　exact　moment　when　sales　should　be　made。
So；　if　you　think　of　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf's　defective　memory；　and　the
difficulty　you　have　seen　me　have　in　persuading　him　to　attend　to
business；　you　can　understand　the　burden　that　is　on　my　shoulders；　and
the　impossibility　of　my　laying　it　down　for　a　single　day。　If　I　were
absent　we　should　be　ruined。　No　one　would　obey　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf。　In
the　first　place　his　orders　are　conflicting；　then　no　one　likes　him；　he
finds　incessant　fault；　and　he　is　very　domineering。　Moreover；　like　all
men　of　feeble　mind；　he　listens　too　readily　to　his　inferiors。　If　I　left
the　house　not　a　servant　would　be　in　it　in　a　week's　time。　So　you　see　I
am　attached　to　Clochegourde　as　those　leaden　finals　are　to　our　roof。　I
have　no　reserves　with　you。　The　whole　country…side　is　still　ignorant　of
the　secrets　of　this　house；　but　you　know　them；　you　have　seen　them。　Say
nothing　but　what　is　kind　and　friendly；　and　you　shall　have　my　esteem
my　gratitude；〃　she　added　in　a　softer　voice。　〃On　those　terms　you　are
welcome　at　Clochegourde；　where　you　will　find　friends。〃

〃Ah！〃　I　exclaimed；　〃I　see　that　I　have　never　really　suffered；　while
you〃

〃No；　no！〃　she　exclaimed；　with　a　smile；　that　smile　of　all　resigned
women　which　might　melt　a　granite　rock。　〃Do　not　be　astonished　at　my
frank　confidence；　it　shows　you　life　as　it　is；　not　as　your　imagination
pictures　it。　We　all　have　our　defects　and　our　good　qualities。　If　I　had
married　a　spendthrift　he　would　have　ruined　me。　If　I　had　given　myself
to　an　ardent　and　pleasure…loving　young　man；　perhaps　I　could　not　have
retained　him；　he　might　have　left　me；　and　I　should　have　died　of
jealousy。　For　I　am　jealous！〃　she　said；　in　a　tone　of　excitement；　which
was　like　the　thunderclap　of　a　passing　storm。　〃But　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf
loves　me　as　much　as　he　is　capable　of　loving；　all　that　his　heart
contains　of　affection　he　pours　at　my　feet；　like　the　Magdalen's　cup　of
ointment。　Believe　me；　a　life　of　love　is　an　exception　to　the　laws　of
this　earth；　all　flowers　fade；　great　joys　and　emotions　have　a　morrow　of
evilif　a　morrow　at　all。　Real　life　is　a　life　of　anguish；　its　image　is
in　that　nettle　growing　there　at　the　foot　of　the　wall；no　sun　can
reach　it　and　it　keeps　green。　Yet；　here；　as　in　parts　of　the　North；
there　are　smiles　in　the　sky；　few　to　be　sure；　but　they　compensate　for
many　a　grief。　Moreover；　women　who　are　naturally　mothers　live　and　love
far　more　through　sacrifices　than　through　pleasures。　Here　I　draw　upon
myself　the　storms　I　fear　may　break　upon　my　children　or　my　people；　and
in　doing　so　I　feel　a　something　I　cannot　explain；　which　gives　me　secret
courage。　The　resignation　of　the　night　carries　me　through　the　day　that
follows。　God　does　not　leave　me　comfortless。　Time　was　when　the
condition　of　my　children　filled　me　with　despair；　to…day　as　they
advance　in　life　they　grow　healthier　and　stronger。　And　then；　after　all；
our　home　is　improved　and　beautified；　our　means　are　improving　also。　Who
knows　but　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf's　old　age　may　be　a　blessing　to　me？　Ah；
believe　me！　those　who　stand　before　the　Great　Judge　with　palms　in　their
hands；　leading　comforted　to　Him　the　beings　who　cursed　their　lives；
they；　they　have　turned　their　sorrows　into　joy。　If　my　sufferings　bring
about　the　happiness　of　my　family；　are　they　sufferings　at　all？〃

〃Yes；〃　I　said；　〃they　are；　but　they　were　necessary；　as　mine　have　been；
to　make　us　understand　the　true　flavor　of　the　fruit　that　has　ripened　on
our　rocks。　Now；　surely；　we　shall　taste　it　together；　surely　we　may
admire　its　wonders；　the　sweetness　of　affection　it　has　poured　into　our
souls；　that　inward　sap　which　revives　the　searing　leavesGood　God！　do
you　not　understand　me？〃　I　cried；　falling