the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第2章

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despair　made　me　formidable；　but　I　was　hated；　and　thus　had　no
protection　against　treachery。　One　evening　as　I　left　school　I　was
struck　in　the　back　by　a　handful　of　small　stones　tied　in　a
handkerchief。　When　the　valet；　who　punished　the　perpetrator；　told　this
to　my　mother　she　exclaimed：　〃That　dreadful　child！　he　will　always　be　a
torment　to　us。〃

Finding　that　I　inspired　in　my　schoolmates　the　same　repulsion　that　was
felt　for　me　by　my　family；　I　sank　into　a　horrible　distrust　of　myself。　A
second　fall　of　snow　checked　the　seeds　that　were　germinating　in　my
soul。　The　boys　whom　I　most　liked　were　notorious　scamps；　this　fact
roused　my　pride　and　I　held　aloof。　Again　I　was　shut　up　within　myself
and　had　no　vent　for　the　feelings　with　which　my　heart　was　full。　The
master　of　the　school；　observing　that　I　was　gloomy；　disliked　by　my
comrades；　and　always　alone；　confirmed　the　family　verdict　as　to　my
sulky　temper。　As　soon　as　I　could　read　and　write；　my　mother　transferred
me　to　Pont…le…Voy；　a　school　in　charge　of　Oratorians　who　took　boys　of
my　age　into　a　form　called　the　〃class　of　the　Latin　steps〃　where　dull
lads　with　torpid　brains　were　apt　to　linger。

There　I　remained　eight　years　without　seeing　my　family；　living　the　life
of　a　pariah；partly　for　the　following　reason。　I　received　but　three
francs　a　month　pocket…money；　a　sum　barely　sufficient　to　buy　the　pens；
ink；　paper；　knives；　and　rules　which　we　were　forced　to　supply
ourselves。　Unable　to　buy　stilts　or　skipping…ropes；　or　any　of　the
things　that　were　used　in　the　playground；　I　was　driven　out　of　the
games；　to　gain　admission　on　suffrage　I　should　have　had　to　toady　the
rich　and　flatter　the　strong　of　my　division。　My　heart　rose　against
either　of　these　meannesses；　which；　however；　most　children　readily
employ。　I　lived　under　a　tree；　lost　in　dejected　thought；　or　reading　the
books　distributed　to　us　monthly　by　the　librarian。　How　many　griefs　were
in　the　shadow　of　that　solitude；　what　genuine　anguish　filled　my
neglected　life！　Imagine　what　my　sore　heart　felt　when；　at　the　first
distribution　of　prizes；of　which　I　obtained　the　two　most　valued；
namely；　for　theme　and　for　translation；neither　my　father　nor　my
mother　was　present　in　the　theatre　when　I　came　forward　to　receive　the
awards　amid　general　acclamations；　although　the　building　was　filled
with　the　relatives　of　all　my　comrades。　Instead　of　kissing　the
distributor；　according　to　custom；　I　burst　into　tears　and　threw　myself
on　his　breast。　That　night　I　burned　my　crowns　in　the　stove。　The　parents
of　the　other　boys　were　in　town　for　a　whole　week　preceding　the
distribution　of　the　prizes；　and　my　comrades　departed　joyfully　the　next
day；　while　I；　whose　father　and　mother　were　only　a　few　miles　distant；
remained　at　the　school　with　the　〃outremers；〃a　name　given　to　scholars
whose　families　were　in　the　colonies　or　in　foreign　countries。

You　will　notice　throughout　how　my　unhappiness　increased　in　proportion
as　the　social　spheres　on　which　I　entered　widened。　God　knows　what
efforts　I　made　to　weaken　the　decree　which　condemned　me　to　live　within
myself！　What　hopes；　long　cherished　with　eagerness　of　soul；　were　doomed
to　perish　in　a　day！　To　persuade　my　parents　to　come　and　see　me；　I　wrote
them　letters　full　of　feeling；　too　emphatically　worded；　it　may　be；　but
surely　such　letters　ought　not　to　have　drawn　upon　me　my　mother's
reprimand；　coupled　with　ironical　reproaches　for　my　style。　Not
discouraged　even　then；　I　implored　the　help　of　my　sisters；　to　whom　I
always　wrote　on　their　birthdays　and　fete…days　with　the　persistence　of
a　neglected　child；　but　it　was　all　in　vain。　As　the　day　for　the
distribution　of　prizes　approached　I　redoubled　my　entreaties；　and　told
of　my　expected　triumphs。　Misled　by　my　parents'　silence；　I　expected
them　with　a　beating　heart。　I　told　my　schoolfellows　they　were　coming；
and　then；　when　the　old　porter's　step　sounded　in　the　corridors　as　he
called　my　happy　comrades　one　by　one　to　receive　their　friends；　I　was
sick　with　expectation。　Never　did　that　old　man　call　my　name！

One　day；　when　I　accused　myself　to　my　confessor　of　having　cursed　my
life；　he　pointed　to　the　skies；　where　grew；　he　said；　the　promised　palm
for　the　〃Beati　qui　lugent〃　of　the　Saviour。　From　the　period　of　my　first
communion　I　flung　myself　into　the　mysterious　depths　of　prayer；
attracted　to　religious　ideas　whose　moral　fairyland　so　fascinates　young
spirits。　Burning　with　ardent　faith；　I　prayed　to　God　to　renew　in　my
behalf　the　miracles　I　had　read　of　in　martyrology。　At　five　years　of　age
I　fled　to　my　star；　at　twelve　I　took　refuge　in　the　sanctuary。　My
ecstasy　brought　dreams　unspeakable；　which　fed　my　imagination；　fostered
my　susceptibilities；　and　strengthened　my　thinking　powers。　I　have　often
attributed　those　sublime　visions　to　the　guardian　angel　charged　with
moulding　my　spirit　to　its　divine　destiny；　they　endowed　my　soul　with
the　faculty　of　seeing　the　inner　soul　of　things；　they　prepared　my　heart
for　the　magic　craft　which　makes　a　man　a　poet　when　the　fatal　power　is
his　to　compare　what　he　feels　within　him　with　reality；the　great
things　aimed　for　with　the　small　things　gained。　Those　visions　wrote
upon　my　brain　a　book　in　which　I　read　that　which　I　must　voice；　they
laid　upon　my　lips　the　coal　of　utterance。

My　father　having　conceived　some　doubts　as　to　the　tendency　of　the
Oratorian　teachings；　took　me　from　Pont…le…Voy；　and　sent　me　to　Paris　to
an　institution　in　the　Marais。　I　was　then　fifteen。　When　examined　as　to
my　capacity；　I；　who　was　in　the　rhetoric　class　at　Pont…le…Voy；　was
pronounced　worthy　of　the　third　class。　The　sufferings　I　had　endured　in
my　family　and　in　school　were　continued　under　another　form　during　my
stay　at　the　Lepitre　Academy。　My　father　gave　me　no　money；　I　was　to　be
fed；　clothed；　and　stuffed　with　Latin　and　Greek；　for　a　sum　agreed　on。
During　my　school　life　I　came　in　contact　with　over　a　thousand　comrades；
but　I　never　met　with　such　an　instance　of　neglect　and　indifference　as
mine。　Monsieur　Lepitre；　who　was　fanatically　attached　to　the　Bourbons；
had　had　relations　with　my　father　at　the　time　when　all　devoted
royalists　were　endeavoring　to　bring　about　the　escape　of　Marie
Antoinette　from　the　Temple。　They　had　lately　renewed　acquaintance；　and
Monsieur　Lepitre　thought　himself　obliged　to　repair　my　father's
oversight；　and　to　give　me　a　small　sum　monthly。　But　not　being
authorized　to　do　so；　the　amount　was　small　indeed。

The　Lepitre　establishment　was　in　the　old　Joyeuse　mansion　where；　as　in
all　seignorial　houses；　there　was　a　porter's　lodge。　During　a　recess；
which　preceded　the　hour　when　the　man…of…all…work　took　us　to　the
Charlemagne　Lyceum；　the　well…to…do　pupils　used　to　breakfast　with　the
porter；　named　Doisy。　Monsieur　Lepitre　was　either　ignorant　of　the　fact
or　he　connived　at　this　arrangement　with　Doisy；　a　regular　smuggler　whom
it　was　the　pupils'　interest　to　protect；he　being　the　secret　guardian
of　their　pranks；　the　safe　confidant　of　their　late　returns　and　their
intermediary　for　obtaining　forbidden　books。　Breakfast　on　a　cup　of
〃cafe…au…lait〃　is　an　aristocratic　habit；　explained　by　the　high　prices
to　which　colonial　products　rose　under　Napoleon。　If　the　use　of　sugar
and　coffee　was　a　luxury　to　our　parents；　with　us　it　was　the　sign　of
self…conscious　superiority。　Doisy　gave　credit；　for　he　reckoned　on　the
sisters　and　aunts　of　the　pupils；　who　made　it　a　point　of　honor　to　pay
their　debts。　I　resisted　the　blandishments　of　his　place　for　a　long
time。　If　my　judges　knew　the　strength　of　its　seduction；　the　heroic
efforts　I　made　after　stoicism；　the　repressed　desires　of　my　long
resistance；　they　would　pardon　my　final　overthrow。　But；　child　as　I　was；
could　I　have　the　grandeur　of　soul　that　scorns　the　scorn　of　others？
Moreover；　I　may　have　felt　the　promptings　of　several　social　vices　whose
power　was　increased　by　my　longings。

About　the　end　of　the　second　year　my　father　and　mother　came　to　Paris。
My　brother　had　written　me　the　day　of　their　arrival。　He　lived　in　Paris；
but　had　never　been　to　see　me。　My　sisters；　he　said；　were　of　the　party；
we　were　all　to　see　Paris　together。　The　first　day　we　were　to　dine　in
the　Palais…Royal；　so　as　to　be　near　the　Theatre…Francais。　In　spite　of
the　intoxication　such　a　programme　of　unhoped…for　delights　excited；　my
joy　was　dampened　by　the　wind　of　a　coming　storm；　which　those　who　are
used　to　unhappiness　apprehend　instinctively。　I　was　forced　to　own　a
debt　of　a　hundred　francs　to　the　Sieur　Doisy；　who　threatened　to　ask　my
parents　himself　for　the　money。　I　bethought　me　of　making　my　brother　the
emissary　of　Doisy；　the　mouth…piece　of　my　repentance　and　the　mediator
of　pardon。　My　father　inclined　to　forgiveness；　but　my　mother　was
pitiless；　her　dark　blue　eye　froze　me；　she　fulminated　cruel　prophecies：
〃What　should　I　be　later　if　at　seventeen　years　of　age　I　committed　such
follies？　Was　I　really　a　son　of　hers？　Did　I　mean　to　ruin　my　family？　Did
I　think　myself　the　only　child　of　the　house？　My　brother　Charles's
career；　already　begun；　required　large　outlay；　amply　deserved　by　his
conduct　which　did　honor　to　the　family；　while　mine　would　always
disgrace　it。　Did　I　know　nothing　of　the　value　of　money；　and　what　I　cost
them？　Of　what　use　were　coffee　and　sugar　to　my　education？　Such　conduct
was　the　first　step　into　all　the　vices。〃

After　enduring　the　shock　of　this　torrent　which　rasped　my　soul；　I　was
sent　back　to　school　in　charge　of　my　brother。　I　lost　the　dinner　at　the
Freres　Provencaux；　and　was　deprived　of　seeing　Talma　in　Britannicus。
Such　was　my　first　interview　with　my　mother　after　a　separation　of
twelve　years。

When　I　had　finished　school　my　father　left　me　under　the　guardianship　of
Monsieur　Lepitre。　I　was　to　study　the　higher　mathematics；　follow　a
course　of　law　for　one　year；　and　begin　philosophy。　Allowed　to　study　in
my　own　room　and　released　from　the　classes；　I　expected　a　truce　with
trouble。　But；　in　spite　of　my　nineteen　years；　perhaps　because　of　them；
my　father　persisted　in　the　system　which　had　sent　me　to　school　without
food；　to　an　academy　without　pocket…money；　and　had　driven　me　into　debt
to　Doisy。　Very　little　money　was　allowed　to　me；　and　what　can　you　do　in
Paris　without　money？　Moreover；　my　freedom　was　carefully　chained　up。
Monsieur　Lepitre　sent　me　to　the　law　school　accompanied　by　a　man…of…
all…work　who　handed　me　over　to　the　professor　and　fetched　me　home
again。　A　young　girl　would　have　been　treated　with　less　precaution　than
my　mother's　fears　insisted　on　for　me。　Paris　alarmed　my　parents；　and
justly。　Students　are　secretly　engaged　in　the　same　occupation　which
fills　the　minds　of　young　ladies　in　their　boarding…schools。　Do　what　you
will；　nothing　can　prevent　the　latter　from　talking　of　lovers；　or　the
former　of　women。　But　in　Paris；　and　especially　at　this　particular　time；
such　talk　among　young　lads　was　influenced　by　the　oriental　and　sultanic
atmosphere　and　customs　of　the　Palais…Royal。

The　Palais…Royal　was　an　Eldorado　of　love　where　the　ingots　melted　away
in　coin；　there　virgin　doubts　were　over；　there　curiosity　was　appeased。
The　Palais…Royal　and　I　were　two　asymptotes　bearing　one　towards　the
other；　yet　unable　to　meet。　Fate　miscarried　all　my　attempts。　My　father
had　presented　me　to　one　of　my　aunts　who　lived　in　the　Ile　St。　Louis。
With　her　I　was　to　dine　on　Sundays　and　Thursdays；　escorted　to　the　house
by　either　Monsieur　or　Madame　Lepitre；　who　went　out　themselves　on　those
days　and　were　to　call　for　me　on　t