the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第22章

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　　to　breathe　in　unison　with　thy　breath。　How　many　prayers　rose　up　to
　　heaven　in　that　moment！　Since　I　did　not　die　as　I　rushed　through
　　space　to　ask　of　God　that　he　would　leave　thee　with　me；　no　human
　　creature　can　die　of　joy　nor　yet　of　sorrow。　That　moment　has　left
　　memories　buried　in　my　soul　which　never　again　will　reappear　upon
　　its　surface　and　leave　me　tearless。　Yes；　the　fears　with　which　my
　　soul　was　tortured　yesterday　are　incomparably　greater　than　all
　　sorrows　that　the　future　can　bring　upon　me；　just　as　the　joys　which
　　thou　hast　given　me；　dear　eternal　thought　of　my　life！　will　be
　　forever　greater　than　any　future　joy　God　may　be　pleased　to　grant
　　me。　Thou　hast　made　me　comprehend　the　love　divine；　that　sure　love；
　　sure　in　strength　and　in　duration；　that　knows　no　doubt　or　jealousy。

Deepest　melancholy　gnawed　my　soul；　the　glimpse　into　that　hidden　life
was　agonizing　to　a　young　heart　new　to　social　emotions；　it　was　an　awful
thing　to　find　this　abyss　at　the　opening　of　life；a　bottomless　abyss；
a　Dead　Sea。　This　dreadful　aggregation　of　misfortunes　suggested　many
thoughts；　at　my　first　step　into　social　life　I　found　a　standard　of
comparison　by　which　all　other　events　and　circumstances　must　seem
petty。

The　next　day　when　I　entered　the　salon　she　was　there　alone。　She　looked
at　me　for　a　moment；　held　out　her　hand；　and　said；　〃My　friend　is　always
too　tender。〃　Her　eyes　grew　moist；　she　rose；　and　then　she　added；　in　a
tone　of　desperate　entreaty；　〃Never　write　thus　to　me　again。〃

Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　was　very　kind。　The　countess　had　recovered　her
courage　and　serenity；　but　her　pallor　betrayed　the　sufferings　of　the
previous　night；　which　were　calmed；　but　not　extinguished。　That　evening
she　said　to　me；　as　she　paced　among　the　autumn　leaves　which　rustled
beneath　our　footsteps；　〃Sorrow　is　infinite；　joys　are　limited；〃words
which　betrayed　her　sufferings　by　the　comparison　she　made　with　the
fleeting　delights　of　the　previous　week。

〃Do　not　slander　life；〃　I　said　to　her。　〃You　are　ignorant　of　love；　love
gives　happiness　which　shines　in　heaven。〃

〃Hush！〃　she　said。　〃I　wish　to　know　nothing　of　it。　The　Icelander　would
die　in　Italy。　I　am　calm　and　happy　beside　you；　I　can　tell　you　all　my
thoughts；　do　not　destroy　my　confidence。　Why　will　you　not　combine　the
virtue　of　the　priest　with　the　charm　of　a　free　man。〃

〃You　make　me　drink　the　hemlock！〃　I　cried；　taking　her　hand　and　laying
it　on　my　heart；　which　was　beating　fast。

〃Again！〃　she　said；　withdrawing　her　hand　as　if　it　pained　her。　〃Are　you
determined　to　deny　me　the　sad　comfort　of　letting　my　wounds　be　stanched
by　a　friendly　hand？　Do　not　add　to　my　sufferings；　you　do　not　know　them
all；　those　that　are　hidden　are　the　worst　to　bear。　If　you　were　a　woman
you　would　know　the　melancholy　disgust　that　fills　her　soul　when　she
sees　herself　the　object　of　attentions　which　atone　for　nothing；　but　are
thought　to　atone　for　all。　For　the　next　few　days　I　shall　be　courted　and
caressed；　that　I　may　pardon　the　wrong　that　has　been　done。　I　could　then
obtain　consent　to　any　wish　of　mine；　however　unreasonable。　I　am
humiliated　by　his　humility；　by　caresses　which　will　cease　as　soon　as　he
imagines　that　I　have　forgotten　that　scene。　To　owe　our　master's　good
graces　to　his　faults〃

〃His　crimes！〃　I　interrupted　quickly。

〃Is　not　that　a　frightful　condition　of　existence？〃　she　continued；　with
a　sad　smile。　〃I　cannot　use　this　transient　power。　At　such　times　I　am
like　the　knights　who　could　not　strike　a　fallen　adversary。　To　see　in
the　dust　a　man　whom　we　ought　to　honor；　to　raise　him　only　to　enable　him
to　deal　other　blows；　to　suffer　from　his　degradation　more　than　he
suffers　himself；　to　feel　ourselves　degraded　if　we　profit　by　such
influence　for　even　a　useful　end；　to　spend　our　strength；　to　waste　the
vigor　of　our　souls　in　struggles　that　have　no　grandeur；　to　have　no
power　except　for　a　moment　when　a　fatal　crisis　comesah；　better　death！
If　I　had　no　children　I　would　let　myself　drift　on　the　wretched　current
of　this　life；　but　if　I　lose　my　courage；　what　will　become　of　them？　I
must　live　for　them；　however　cruel　this　life　may　be。　You　talk　to　me　of
love。　Ah！　my　dear　friend；　think　of　the　hell　into　which　I　should　fling
myself　if　I　gave　that　pitiless　being；　pitiless　like　all　weak
creatures；　the　right　to　despise　me。　The　purity　of　my　conduct　is　my
strength。　Virtue；　dear　friend；　is　holy　water　in　which　we　gain　fresh
strength；　from　which　we　issue　renewed　in　the　love　of　God。〃

〃Listen　to　me；　dear　Henriette；　I　have　only　another　week　to　stay　here；
and　I　wish〃

〃Ah；　you　mean　to　leave　us！〃　she　exclaimed。

〃You　must　know　what　my　father　intends　to　do　with　me；〃　I　replied。　〃It
is　now　three　months〃

〃I　have　not　counted　the　days；〃　she　said；　with　momentary　self…
abandonment。　Then　she　checked　herself　and　cried；　〃Come；　let　us　go　to
Frapesle。〃

She　called　the　count　and　the　children；　sent　for　a　shawl；　and　when　all
were　ready　she；　usually　so　calm　and　slow　in　all　her　movements；　became
as　active　as　a　Parisian；　and　we　started　in　a　body　to　pay　a　visit　at
Frapesle　which　the　countess　did　not　owe。　She　forced　herself　to　talk　to
Madame　de　Chessel；　who　was　fortunately　discursive　in　her　answers。　The
count　and　Monsieur　de　Chessel　conversed　on　business。　I　was　afraid　the
former　might　boast　of　his　carriage　and　horses；　but　he　committed　no
such　solecisms。　His　neighbor　questioned　him　about　his　projected
improvements　at　the　Cassine　and　the　Rhetoriere。　I　looked　at　the　count；
wondering　if　he　would　avoid　a　subject　of　conversation　so　full　of
painful　memories　to　all；　so　cruelly　mortifying　to　him。　On　the
contrary；　he　explained　how　urgent　a　duty　it　was　to　better　the
agricultural　condition　of　the　canton；　to　build　good　houses　and　make
the　premises　salubrious；　in　short；　he　glorified　himself　with　his
wife's　ideas。　I　blushed　as　I　looked　at　her。　Such　want　of　scruple　in　a
man　who；　on　certain　occasions；　could　be　scrupulous　enough；　this
oblivion　of　the　dreadful　scene；　this　adoption　of　ideas　against　which
he　had　fought　so　violently；　this　confident　belief　in　himself；
petrified　me。

When　Monsieur　de　Chessel　said　to　him；　〃Do　you　expect　to　recover　your
outlay？〃

〃More　than　recover　it！〃　he　exclaimed；　with　a　confident　gesture。

Such　contradictions　can　be　explained　only　by　the　word　〃insanity。〃
Henriette；　celestial　creature；　was　radiant。　The　count　was　appearing　to
be　a　man　of　intelligence；　a　good　administrator；　an　excellent
agriculturist；　she　played　with　her　boy's　curly　head；　joyous　for　him；
happy　for　herself。　What　a　comedy　of　pain；　what　mockery　in　this　drama；
I　was　horrified　by　it。　Later　in　life；　when　the　curtain　of　the　world's
stage　was　lifted　before　me；　how　many　other　Mortsaufs　I　saw　without　the
loyalty　and　the　religious　faith　of　this　man。　What　strange；　relentless
power　is　it　that　perpetually　awards　an　angel　to　a　madman；　to　a　man　of
heart；　of　true　poetic　passion；　a　base　woman；　to　the　petty；　grandeur；
to　this　demented　brain；　a　beautiful；　sublime　being；　to　Juana；　Captain
Diard；　whose　history　at　Bordeaux　I　have　told　you；　to　Madame　de
Beauseant；　an　Ajuda；　to　Madame　d'Aiglemont；　her　husband；　to　the
Marquis　d'Espard；　his　wife！　Long　have　I　sought　the　meaning　of　this
enigma。　I　have　ransacked　many　mysteries；　I　have　discovered　the　reason
of　many　natural　laws；　the　purport　of　some　divine　hieroglyphics；　of　the
meaning　of　this　dark　secret　I　know　nothing。　I　study　it　as　I　would　the
form　of　an　Indian　weapon；　the　symbolic　construction　of　which　is　known
only　to　the　Brahmans。　In　this　dread　mystery　the　spirit　of　Evil　is　too
visibly　the　master；　I　dare　not　lay　the　blame　to　God。　Anguish
irremediable；　what　power　finds　amusement　in　weaving　you？　Can　Henriette
and　her　mysterious　philosopher　be　right？　Does　their　mysticism　contain
the　explanation　of　humanity？

The　autumn　leaves　were　falling　during　the　last　few　days　which　I　passed
in　the　valley；　days　of　lowering　clouds；　which　do　sometimes　obscure　the
heaven　of　Touraine；　so　pure；　so　warm　at　that　fine　season。　The　evening
before　my　departure　Madame　de　Mortsauf　took　me　to　the　terrace　before
dinner。

〃My　dear　Felix；〃　she　said；　after　we　had　taken　a　turn　in　silence　under
the　leafless　trees；　〃you　are　about　to　enter　the　world；　and　I　wish　to
go　with　you　in　thought。　Those　who　have　suffered　much　have　lived　and
known　much。　Do　not　think　that　solitary　souls　know　nothing　of　the
world；　on　the　contrary；　they　are　able　to　judge　it。　Hear　me：　If　I　am　to
live　in　and　for　my　friend　I　must　do　what　I　can　for　his　heart　and　for
his　conscience。　When　the　conflict　rages　it　is　hard　to　remember　rules；
therefore　let　me　give　you　a　few　instructions；　the　warnings　of　a　mother
to　her　son。　The　day　you　leave　us　I　shall　give　you　a　letter；　a　long
letter；　in　which　you　will　find　my　woman's　thoughts　on　the　world；　on
society；　on　men；　on　the　right　methods　of　meeting　difficulty　in　this
great　clash　of　human　interests。　Promise　me　not　to　read　this　letter
till　you　reach　Paris。　I　ask　it　from　a　fanciful　sentiment；　one　of　those
secrets　of　womanhood　not　impossible　to　understand；　but　which　we　grieve
to　find　deciphered；　leave　me　this　covert　way　where　as　a　woman　I　wish
to　walk　alone。〃

〃Yes；　I　promise　it；〃　I　said；　kissing　her　hand。

〃Ah；〃　she　added；　〃I　have　one　more　promise　to　ask　of　you；　but　grant　it
first。〃

〃Yes；　yes！〃　I　cried；　thinking　it　was　surely　a　promise　of　fidelity。

〃It　does　not　concern　myself；〃　she　said　smiling；　with　some　bitterness。
〃Felix；　do　not　gamble　in　any　house；　no　matter　whose　it　be；　I　except
none。〃

〃I　will　never　play　at　all；〃　I　replied。

〃Good；〃　she　said。　〃I　have　found　a　better　use　for　your　time　than　to
waste　it　on　cards。　The　end　will　be　that　where　others　must　sooner　or
later　be　losers　you　will　invariably　win。〃

〃How　so？〃

〃The　letter　will　tell　you；〃　she　said；　with　a　playful　smile；　which　took
from　her　advice　the　serious　tone　which　might　certainly　have　been　that
of　a　grandfather。

The　countess　talked　to　me　for　an　hour；　and　proved　the　depth　of　her
affection　by　the　study　she　had　made　of　my　nature　during　the　last　three
months。　She　penetrated　the　recesses　of　my　heart；　entering　it　with　her
own；　the　tones　of　her　voice　were　changeful　and　convincing；　the　words
fell　from　maternal　lips；　showing　by　their　tone　as　well　as　by　their
meaning　how　many　ties　already　bound　us　to　each　other。

〃If　you　knew；〃　she　said　in　conclusion；　〃with　what　anxiety　I　shall
follow　your　course；　what　joy　I　shall　feel　if　you　walk　straight；　what
tears　I　must　shed　if　you　strike　against　the　angles！　Believe　that　my
affection　has　no　equal；　it　is　involuntary　and　yet　deliberate。　Ah；　I
would　that　I　might　see　you　happy；　powerful；　respected；you　who　are　to
me　a　living　dream。〃

She　made　me　weep；　so　tender　and　so　terrible　was　she。　Her　feelings　came
boldly　to　the　surface；　yet　they　were　too　pure　to　give　the　slightest
hope　even　to　a　young　man　thirsting　for　pleasure。　Ignoring　my　tortured
flesh；　she　shed　the　rays；　undeviating；　incorruptible；　of　the　divine
love；　which　satisfies　the　soul　only。　She　rose　to　heights　whither　the
prismatic　pinions　of　a　love　like　mine　were　powerless　to　bear　me。　To
reach　her　a　man　must　needs　have　won　the　white　wings　of　the　seraphim。

〃In　all　that　happens　to　me　I　will　ask　myself；〃　I　said；　〃'What　would　my
Henriette　say？'〃

〃Yes；　I　will　be　the　star　and　the　sanctuary　both；〃　she　said；　alluding
to　the　dreams　of　my　childhood。

〃You　ar