the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第38章

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When　we　left　the　table　I　followed　the　countess　to　the　terrace。　When　we
were　alone　she　exclaimed；　〃How　is　it　possible　that　some　women　can
sacrifice　their　children　to　a　man？　Wealth；　position；　the　world；　I　can
conceive　of；　eternity？　yes；　possibly；　but　children！　deprive　one's　self
of　one's　children！〃

〃Yes；　and　such　women　would　give　even　more　if　they　had　it；　they
sacrifice　everything。〃

The　world　was　suddenly　reversed　before　her；　her　ideas　became　confused。
The　grandeur　of　that　thought　struck　her；　a　suspicion　entered　her　mind
that　sacrifice；　immolation　justified　happiness；　the　echo　of　her　own
inward　cry　for　love　came　back　to　her；　she　stood　dumb　in　presence　of
her　wasted　life。　Yes；　for　a　moment　horrible　doubts　possessed　her；　then
she　rose；　grand　and　saintly；　her　head　erect。

〃Love　her　well；　Felix；〃　she　said；　with　tears　in　her　eyes；　〃she　shall
be　my　happy　sister。　I　will　forgive　her　the　harm　she　has　done　me　if　she
gives　you　what　you　could　not　have　here。　You　are　right；　I　have　never
told　you　that　I　loved　you；　and　I　never　have　loved　you　as　the　world
loves。　But　if　she　is　a　mother　how　can　she　love　you　so？〃

〃Dear　saint；〃　I　answered；　〃I　must　be　less　moved　than　I　am　now；　before
I　can　explain　to　you　how　it　is　that　you　soar　victoriously　above　her。
She　is　a　woman　of　earth；　the　daughter　of　decaying　races；　you　are　the
child　of　heaven；　an　angel　worthy　of　worship；　you　have　my　heart；　she　my
flesh　only。　She　knows　this　and　it　fills　her　with　despair；　she　would
change　parts　with　you　even　though　the　cruellest　martyrdom　were　the
price　of　the　change。　But　all　is　irremediable。　To　you　the　soul；　to　you
the　thoughts；　the　love　that　is　pure；　to　you　youth　and　old　age；　to　her
the　desires　and　joys　of　passing　passion；　to　you　remembrance　forever；
to　her　oblivion〃

〃Tell　me；　tell　me　that　again；　oh；　my　friend！〃　she　turned　to　a　bench
and　sat　down；　bursting　into　tears。　〃If　that　be　so；　Felix；　virtue；
purity　of　life；　a　mother's　love；　are　not　mistakes。　Oh；　pour　that　balm
upon　my　wounds！　Repeat　the　words　which　bear　me　back　to　heaven；　where
once　I　longed　to　rise　with　you。　Bless　me　by　a　look；　by　a　sacred　word；
I　forgive　you　for　the　sufferings　you　have　caused　me　the　last　two
months。〃

〃Henriette；　there　are　mysteries　in　the　life　of　men　of　which　you　know
nothing。　I　met　you　at　an　age　when　the　feelings　of　the　heart　stifle　the
desires　implanted　in　our　nature；　but　many　scenes；　the　memory　of　which
will　kindle　my　soul　to　the　hour　of　death；　must　have　told　you　that　this
age　was　drawing　to　a　close；　and　it　was　your　constant　triumph　still　to
prolong　its　mute　delights。　A　love　without　possession　is　maintained　by
the　exasperation　of　desire；　but　there　comes　a　moment　when　all　is
suffering　within　usfor　in　this　we　have　no　resemblance　to　you。　We
possess　a　power　we　cannot　abdicate；　or　we　cease　to　be　men。　Deprived　of
the　nourishment　it　needs；　the　heart　feeds　upon　itself；　feeling　an
exhaustion　which　is　not　death；　but　which　precedes　it。　Nature　cannot
long　be　silenced；　some　trifling　accident　awakens　it　to　a　violence　that
seems　like　madness。　No；　I　have　not　loved；　but　I　have　thirsted　in　the
desert。〃

〃The　desert！〃　she　said　bitterly；　pointing　to　the　valley。　〃Ah！〃　she
exclaimed；　〃how　he　reasons！　what　subtle　distinctions！　Faithful　hearts
are　not　so　learned。〃

〃Henriette；〃　I　said；　〃do　not　quarrel　with　me　for　a　chance　expression。
No；　my　soul　has　not　vacillated；　but　I　have　not　been　master　of　my
senses。　That　woman　is　not　ignorant　that　you　are　the　only　one　I　ever
loved。　She　plays　a　secondary　part　in　my　life；　she　knows　it　and　is
resigned。　I　have　the　right　to　leave　her　as　men　leave　courtesans。〃

〃And　then？〃

〃She　tells　me　that　she　will　kill　herself；〃　I　answered；　thinking　that
this　resolve　would　startle　Henriette。　But　when　she　heard　it　a
disdainful　smile；　more　expressive　than　the　thoughts　it　conveyed；
flickered　on　her　lips。　〃My　dear　conscience；〃　I　continued；　〃if　you
would　take　into　account　my　resistance　and　the　seductions　that　led　to
my　fall　you　would　understand　the　fatal〃

〃Yes；　fatal！〃　she　cried。　〃I　believed　in　you　too　much。　I　believed　you
capable　of　the　virtue　a　priest　practises。　All　is　over；〃　she　continued；
after　a　pause。　〃I　owe　you　much；　my　friend；　you　have　extinguished　in　me
the　fires　of　earthly　life。　The　worst　of　the　way　is　over；　age　is　coming
on。　I　am　ailing　now；　soon　I　may　be　ill；　I　can　never　be　the　brilliant
fairy　who　showers　you　with　favors。　Be　faithful　to　Lady　Dudley。
Madeleine；　whom　I　was　training　to　be　yours；　ah！　who　will　have　her　now？
Poor　Madeleine；　poor　Madeleine！〃　she　repeated；　like　the　mournful
burden　of　a　song。　〃I　would　you　had　heard　her　say　to　me　when　you　came：
'Mother；　you　are　not　kind　to　Felix！'　Dear　creature！〃

She　looked　at　me　in　the　warm　rays　of　the　setting　sun　as　they　glided
through　the　foliage。　Seized　with　compassion　for　the　shipwreck　of　our
lives　she　turned　back　to　memories　of　our　pure　past；　yielding　to
meditations　which　were　mutual。　We　were　silent；　recalling　past　scenes；
our　eyes　went　from　the　valley　to　the　fields；　from　the　windows　of
Clochegourde　to　those　of　Frapesle；　peopling　the　dream　with　my
bouquets；　the　fragrant　language　of　our　desires。　It　was　her　last　hour
of　pleasure；　enjoyed　with　the　purity　of　her　Catholic　soul。　This　scene；
so　grand　to　each　of　us；　cast　its　melancholy　on　both。　She　believed　my
words；　and　saw　where　I　placed　herin　the　skies。

〃My　friend；〃　she　said；　〃I　obey　God；　for　his　hand　is　in　all　this。〃

I　did　not　know　until　much　later　the　deep　meaning　of　her　words。　We
slowly　returned　up　the　terraces。　She　took　my　arm　and　leaned　upon　it
resignedly；　bleeding　still；　but　with　a　bandage　on　her　wound。

〃Human　life　is　thus；〃　she　said。　〃What　had　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　done　to
deserve　his　fate？　It　proves　the　existence　of　a　better　world。　Alas；　for
those　who　walk　in　happier　ways！〃

She　went　on；　estimating　life　so　truly；　considering　its　diverse　aspects
so　profoundly　that　these　cold　judgments　revealed　to　me　the　disgust
that　had　come　upon　her　for　all　things　here　below。　When　we　reached　the
portico　she　dropped　my　arm　and　said　these　last　words：　〃If　God　has
given　us　the　sentiment　and　the　desire　for　happiness　ought　he　not　to
take　charge　himself　of　innocent　souls　who　have　found　sorrow　only　in
this　low　world？　Either　that　must　be　so；　or　God　is　not；　and　our　life　is
no　more　than　a　cruel　jest。〃

She　entered　and　turned　the　house　quickly；　I　found　her　on　the　sofa；
crouching；　as　though　blasted　by　the　voice　which　flung　Saul　to　the
ground。

〃What　is　the　matter？〃　I　asked。

〃I　no　longer　know　what　is　virtue；〃　she　replied；　〃I　have　no
consciousness　of　my　own。〃

We　were　silent；　petrified；　listening　to　the　echo　of　those　words　which
fell　like　a　stone　cast　into　a　gulf。

〃If　I　am　mistaken　in　my　life　SHE　is　right　in　HERS；〃　Henriette　said　at
last。

Thus　her　last　struggle　followed　her　last　happiness。　When　the　count
came　in　she　complained　of　illness；　she　who　never　complained。　I
conjured　her　to　tell　me　exactly　where　she　suffered；　but　she　refused　to
explain　and　went　to　bed；　leaving　me　a　prey　to　unending　remorse。
Madeleine　went　with　her　mother；　and　the　next　day　I　heard　that　the
countess　had　been　seized　with　nausea；　caused；　she　said；　by　the　violent
excitements　of　that　day。　Thus　I；　who　longed　to　give　my　life　for　hers；
I　was　killing　her。

〃Dear　count；〃　I　said　to　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf；　who　obliged　me　to　play
backgammon；　〃I　think　the　countess　very　seriously　ill。　There　is　still
time　to　save　her；　pray　send　for　Origet；　and　persuade　her　to　follow　his
advice。〃

〃Origet；　who　half　killed　me？〃　cried　the　count。　〃No；　no；　I'll　consult
Carbonneau。〃

During　this　week；　especially　the　first　days　of　it；　everything　was
anguish　to　methe　beginning　of　paralysis　of　the　heartmy　vanity　was
mortified；　my　soul　rent。　One　must　needs　have　been　the　centre　of　all
looks　and　aspirations；　the　mainspring　of　the　life　about　him；　the　torch
from　which　all　others　drew　their　light；　to　understand　the　horror　of
the　void　that　was　now　about　me。　All　things　were　there；　the　same；　but
the　spirit　that　gave　life　to　them　was　extinct；　like　a　blown…out　flame。
I　now　understood　the　desperate　desire　of　lovers　never　to　see　each
other　again　when　love　has　flown。　To　be　nothing　where　we　were　once　so
much！　To　find　the　chilling　silence　of　the　grave　where　life　so　lately
sparkled！　Such　comparisons　are　overwhelming。　I　came　at　last　to　envy
the　dismal　ignorance　of　all　happiness　which　had　darkened　my　youth。　My
despair　became　so　great　that　the　countess；　I　thought；　felt　pity　for
it。　One　day　after　dinner　as　we　were　walking　on　the　meadows　beside　the
river　I　made　a　last　effort　to　obtain　forgiveness。　I　told　Jacques　to　go
on　with　his　sister；　and　leaving　the　count　to　walk　alone；　I　took
Henriette　to　the　punt。

〃Henriette；〃　I　said；　〃one　word　of　forgiveness；　or　I　fling　myself　into
the　Indre！　I　have　sinned；yes；　it　is　true；　but　am　I　not　like　a　dog　in
his　faithful　attachments？　I　return　like　him；　like　him　ashamed。　If　he
does　wrong　he　is　struck；　but　he　loves　the　hand　that　strikes　him；
strike　me；　bruise　me；　but　give　me　back　your　heart。〃

〃Poor　child；〃　she　said；　〃are　you　not　always　my　son？〃

She　took　my　arm　and　silently　rejoined　her　children；　with　whom　she
returned　to　Clochegourde；　leaving　me　to　the　count；　who　began　to　talk
politics　apropos　of　his　neighbors。

〃Let　us　go　in；〃　I　said；　〃you　are　bare…headed；　and　the　dew　may　do　you
an　injury。〃

〃You　pity　me；　my　dear　Felix；〃　he　answered；　〃you　understand　me；　but　my
wife　never　tries　to　comfort　me；on　principle；　perhaps。〃

Never　would　she　have　left　me　to　walk　home　with　her　husband；　it　was　now
I　who　had　to　find　excuses　to　join　her。　I　found　her　with　her　children；
explaining　the　rules　of　backgammon　to　Jacques。

〃See　there；〃　said　the　count；　who　was　always　jealous　of　the　affection
she　showed　for　her　children；　〃it　is　for　them　that　I　am　neglected。
Husbands；　my　dear　Felix；　are　always　suppressed。　The　most　virtuous
woman　in　the　world　has　ways　of　satisfying　her　desire　to　rob　conjugal
affection。〃

She　said　nothing　and　continued　as　before。

〃Jacques；〃　he　said；　〃come　here。〃

Jacques　objected　slightly。

〃Your　father　wants　you；　go　at　once；　my　son；〃　said　his　mother；　pushing
him。

〃They　love　me　by　order；〃　said　the　old　man；　who　sometimes　perceived　his
situation。

〃Monsieur；〃　she　answered；　passing　her　hand　over　Madeleine's　smooth
tresses；　which　were　dressed　that　day　〃a　la　belle　Ferronniere〃；　〃do　not
be　unjust　to　us　poor　women；　life　is　not　so　easy　for　us　to　bear。
Perhaps　the　children　are　the　virtues　of　a　mother。〃

〃My　dear；〃　said　the　count；　who　took　it　into　his　head　to　be　logical；
〃what　you　say　signifies　that　women　who　have　no　children　would　have　no
virtue；　and　would　leave　their　husbands　in　the　lurch。〃

The　countess　rose　hastily　and　took　Madeleine　to　the　portico。

〃That's　marriage；　my　dear　fellow；〃　remarked　the　count　to　me。　〃Do　you
mean　to　imply　by　going　off　in　that　manner　that　I　am　talking　nonsense？〃
he　cried　to　his　wife；　taking　his　son　by　the　hand　and　going　to　the
portico　after　her　with　a　furious　look　in　his　eyes。

〃On　the　contrary；　Monsieur；　you　frightened　me。　Your　words　hurt　me
cruelly；〃　she　added；　in　a　hollow　voice。　〃If　virtue　does　not　consist　in
sacrificing　everything　to　our　children　and　our　husband；　what　is
virtue？〃

〃Sac…ri…ficing！〃　cried　the　count；　making　each　syllable　the　blow　of　a
s