the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第4章

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with　my　arms　and　legs。　Just　as　I　was　suffering　severely　from　the
pressure　of　the　crowd　an　officer　stepped　on　my　feet；　swollen　by　the
new　leather　of　my　shoes　as　well　as　by　the　heat。　This　disgusted　me　with
the　whole　affair。　It　was　impossible　to　get　away；　but　I　took　refuge　in
a　corner　of　a　room　at　the　end　of　an　empty　bench；　where　I　sat　with
fixed　eyes；　motionless　and　sullen。　Misled　by　my　puny　appearance；　a
womantaking　me　for　a　sleepy　childslid　softly　into　the　place　beside
me；　with　the　motion　of　a　bird　as　she　drops　upon　her　nest。　Instantly　I
breathed　the　woman…atmosphere；　which　irradiated　my　soul　as；　in　after
days；　oriental　poesy　has　shone　there。　I　looked　at　my　neighbor；　and　was
more　dazzled　by　that　vision　than　I　had　been　by　the　scene　of　the　fete。

If　you　have　understood　this　history　of　my　early　life　you　will　guess
the　feelings　which　now　welled　up　within　me。　My　eyes　rested　suddenly　on
white；　rounded　shoulders　where　I　would　fain　have　laid　my　head；
shoulders　faintly　rosy；　which　seemed　to　blush　as　if　uncovered　for　the
first　time；　modest　shoulders；　that　possessed　a　soul；　and　reflected
light　from　their　satin　surface　as　from　a　silken　texture。　These
shoulders　were　parted　by　a　line　along　which　my　eyes　wandered。　I　raised
myself　to　see　the　bust　and　was　spell…bound　by　the　beauty　of　the　bosom；
chastely　covered　with　gauze；　where　blue…veined　globes　of　perfect
outline　were　softly　hidden　in　waves　of　lace。　The　slightest　details　of
the　head　were　each　and　all　enchantments　which　awakened　infinite
delights　within　me；　the　brilliancy　of　the　hair　laid　smoothly　above　a
neck　as　soft　and　velvety　as　a　child's；　the　white　lines　drawn　by　the
comb　where　my　imagination　ran　as　along　a　dewy　path；all　these　things
put　me；　as　it　were；　beside　myself。　Glancing　round　to　be　sure　that　no
one　saw　me；　I　threw　myself　upon　those　shoulders　as　a　child　upon　the
breast　of　its　mother；　kissing　them　as　I　laid　my　head　there。　The　woman
uttered　a　piercing　cry；　which　the　noise　of　the　music　drowned；　she
turned；　saw　me；　and　exclaimed；　〃Monsieur！〃　Ah！　had　she　said；　〃My
little　lad；　what　possesses　you？〃　I　might　have　killed　her；　but　at　the
word　〃Monsieur！〃　hot　tears　fell　from　my　eyes。　I　was　petrified　by　a
glance　of　saintly　anger；　by　a　noble　face　crowned　with　a　diadem　of
golden　hair　in　harmony　with　the　shoulders　I　adored。　The　crimson　of
offended　modesty　glowed　on　her　cheeks；　though　already　it　was　appeased
by　the　pardoning　instinct　of　a　woman　who　comprehends　a　frenzy　which
she　inspires；　and　divines　the　infinite　adoration　of　those　repentant
tears。　She　moved　away　with　the　step　and　carriage　of　a　queen。

I　then　felt　the　ridicule　of　my　position；　for　the　first　time　I　realized
that　I　was　dressed　like　the　monkey　of　a　barrel　organ。　I　was　ashamed。
There　I　stood；　stupefied；tasting　the　fruit　that　I　had　stolen；
conscious　of　the　warmth　upon　my　lips；　repenting　not；　and　following
with　my　eyes　the　woman　who　had　come　down　to　me　from　heaven。　Sick　with
the　first　fever　of　the　heart　I　wandered　through　the　rooms；　unable　to
find　mine　Unknown；　until　at　last　I　went　home　to　bed；　another　man。

A　new　soul；　a　soul　with　rainbow　wings；　had　burst　its　chrysalis。
Descending　from　the　azure　wastes　where　I　had　long　admired　her；　my　star
had　come　to　me　a　woman；　with　undiminished　lustre　and　purity。　I　loved；
knowing　naught　of　love。　How　strange　a　thing；　this　first　irruption　of
the　keenest　human　emotion　in　the　heart　of　a　man！　I　had　seen　pretty
women　in　other　places；　but　none　had　made　the　slightest　impression　upon
me。　Can　there　be　an　appointed　hour；　a　conjunction　of　stars；　a　union　of
circumstances；　a　certain　woman　among　all　others　to　awaken　an　exclusive
passion　at　the　period　of　life　when　love　includes　the　whole　sex？

The　thought　that　my　Elect　lived　in　Touraine　made　the　air　I　breathed
delicious；　the　blue　of　the　sky　seemed　bluer　than　I　had　ever　yet　seen
it。　I　raved　internally；　but　externally　I　was　seriously　ill；　and　my
mother　had　fears；　not　unmingled　with　remorse。　Like　animals　who　know
when　danger　is　near；　I　hid　myself　away　in　the　garden　to　think　of　the
kiss　that　I　had　stolen。　A　few　days　after　this　memorable　ball　my　mother
attributed　my　neglect　of　study；　my　indifference　to　her　tyrannical
looks　and　sarcasms；　and　my　gloomy　behavior　to　the　condition　of　my
health。　The　country；　that　perpetual　remedy　for　ills　that　doctors
cannot　cure；　seemed　to　her　the　best　means　of　bringing　me　out　of　my
apathy。　She　decided　that　I　should　spend　a　few　weeks　at　Frapesle；　a
chateau　on　the　Indre　midway　between　Montbazon　and　Azay…le…Rideau；
which　belonged　to　a　friend　of　hers；　to　whom；　no　doubt；　she　gave
private　instructions。

By　the　day　when　I　thus　for　the　first　time　gained　my　liberty　I　had　swum
so　vigorously　in　Love's　ocean　that　I　had　well…nigh　crossed　it。　I　knew
nothing　of　mine　unknown　lady；　neither　her　name；　nor　where　to　find　her；
to　whom；　indeed；　could　I　speak　of　her？　My　sensitive　nature　so
exaggerated　the　inexplicable　fears　which　beset　all　youthful　hearts　at
the　first　approach　of　love　that　I　began　with　the　melancholy　which
often　ends　a　hopeless　passion。　I　asked　nothing　better　than　to　roam
about　the　country；　to　come　and　go　and　live　in　the　fields。　With　the
courage　of　a　child　that　fears　no　failure；　in　which　there　is　something
really　chivalrous；　I　determined　to　search　every　chateau　in　Touraine；
travelling　on　foot；　and　saying　to　myself　as　each　old　tower　came　in
sight；　〃She　is　there！〃

Accordingly；　of　a　Thursday　morning　I　left　Tours　by　the　barrier　of
Saint…Eloy；　crossed　the　bridges　of　Saint…Sauveur；　reached　Poncher
whose　every　house　I　examined；　and　took　the　road　to　Chinon。　For　the
first　time　in　my　life　I　could　sit　down　under　a　tree　or　walk　fast　or
slow　as　I　pleased　without　being　dictated　to　by　any　one。　To　a　poor　lad
crushed　under　all　sorts　of　despotism　（which　more　or　less　does　weigh
upon　all　youth）　the　first　employment　of　freedom；　even　though　it　be
expended　upon　nothing；　lifts　the　soul　with　irrepressible　buoyancy。
Several　reasons　combined　to　make　that　day　one　of　enchantment。　During
my　school　years　I　had　never　been　taken　to　walk　more　than　two　or　three
miles　from　a　city；　yet　there　remained　in　my　mind　among　the　earliest
recollections　of　my　childhood　that　feeling　for　the　beautiful　which　the
scenery　about　Tours　inspires。　Though　quite　untaught　as　to　the　poetry
of　such　a　landscape；　I　was；　unknown　to　myself；　critical　upon　it；　like
those　who　imagine　the　ideal　of　art　without　knowing　anything　of　its
practice。

To　reach　the　chateau　of　Frapesle；　foot…passengers；　or　those　on
horseback；　shorten　the　way　by　crossing　the　Charlemagne　moors；
uncultivated　tracts　of　land　lying　on　the　summit　of　the　plateau　which
separates　the　valley　of　the　Cher　from　that　of　the　Indre；　and　over
which　there　is　a　cross…road　leading　to　Champy。　These　moors　are　flat
and　sandy；　and　for　more　than　three　miles　are　dreary　enough　until　you
reach；　through　a　clump　of　woods；　the　road　to　Sache；　the　name　of　the
township　in　which　Frapesle　stands。　This　road；　which　joins　that　of
Chinon　beyond　Ballan；　skirts　an　undulating　plain　to　the　little　hamlet
of　Artanne。　Here　we　come　upon　a　valley；　which　begins　at　Montbazon；
ends　at　the　Loire；　and　seems　to　rise　and　fall；to　bound；　as　it　were；
beneath　the　chateaus　placed　on　its　double　hillsides；a　splendid
emerald　cup；　in　the　depths　of　which　flow　the　serpentine　lines　of　the
river　Indre。　I　gazed　at　this　scene　with　ineffable　delight；　for　which
the　gloomy　moor…land　and　the　fatigue　of　the　sandy　walk　had　prepared
me。

〃If　that　woman；　the　flower　of　her　sex；　does　indeed　inhabit　this　earth；
she　is　here；　on　this　spot。〃

Thus　musing；　I　leaned　against　a　walnut…tree；　beneath　which　I　have
rested　from　that　day　to　this　whenever　I　return　to　my　dear　valley。
Beneath　that　tree；　the　confidant　of　my　thoughts；　I　ask　myself　what
changes　there　are　in　me　since　last　I　stood　there。

My　heart　deceived　me　notshe　lived　there；　the　first　castle　that　I　saw
on　the　slope　of　a　hill　was　the　dwelling　that　held　her。　As　I　sat
beneath　my　nut…tree；　the　mid…day　sun　was　sparkling　on　the　slates　of
her　roof　and　the　panes　of　her　windows。　Her　cambric　dress　made　the
white　line　which　I　saw　among　the　vines　of　an　arbor。　She　was；　as　you
know　already　without　as　yet　knowing　anything；　the　Lily　of　this　valley；
where　she　grew　for　heaven；　filling　it　with　the　fragrance　of　her
virtues。　Love；　infinite　love；　without　other　sustenance　than　the
vision；　dimly　seen；　of　which　my　soul　was　full；　was　there；　expressed　to
me　by　that　long　ribbon　of　water　flowing　in　the　sunshine　between　the
grass…green　banks；　by　the　lines　of　the　poplars　adorning　with　their
mobile　laces　that　vale　of　love；　by　the　oak…woods　coming　down　between
the　vineyards　to　the　shore；　which　the　river　curved　and　rounded　as　it
chose；　and　by　those　dim　varying　horizons　as　they　fled　confusedly　away。

If　you　would　see　nature　beautiful　and　virgin　as　a　bride；　go　there　of　a
spring　morning。　If　you　would　still　the　bleeding　wounds　of　your　heart；
return　in　the　last　days　of　autumn。　In　the　spring；　Love　beats　his　wings
beneath　the　broad　blue　sky；　in　the　autumn；　we　think　of　those　who　are
no　more。　The　lungs　diseased　breathe　in　a　blessed　purity；　the　eyes　will
rest　on　golden　copses　which　impart　to　the　soul　their　peaceful
stillness。　At　this　moment；　when　I　stood　there　for　the　first　time；　the
mills　upon　the　brooksides　gave　a　voice　to　the　quivering　valley；　the
poplars　were　laughing　as　they　swayed；　not　a　cloud　was　in　the　sky；　the
birds　sang；　the　crickets　chirped；all　was　melody。　Do　not　ask　me　again
why　I　love　Touraine。　I　love　it；　not　as　we　love　our　cradle；　not　as　we
love　the　oasis　in　a　desert；　I　love　it　as　an　artist　loves　art；　I　love
it　less　than　I　love　you；　but　without　Touraine；　perhaps　I　might　not　now
be　living。

Without　knowing　why；　my　eyes　reverted　ever　to　that　white　spot；　to　the
woman　who　shone　in　that　garden　as　the　bell　of　a　convolvulus　shines
amid　the　underbrush；　and　wilts　if　touched。　Moved　to　the　soul；　I
descended　the　slope　and　soon　saw　a　village；　which　the　superabounding
poetry　that　filled　my　heart　made　me　fancy　without　an　equal。　Imagine
three　mills　placed　among　islands　of　graceful　outline　crowned　with
groves　of　trees　and　rising　from　a　field　of　water；for　what　other　name
can　I　give　to　that　aquatic　vegetation；　so　verdant；　so　finely　colored；
which　carpeted　the　river；　rose　above　its　surface　and　undulated　upon
it；　yielding　to　its　caprices　and　swaying　to　the　turmoil　of　the　water
when　the　mill…wheels　lashed　it。　Here　and　there　were　mounds　of　gravel；
against　which　the　wavelets　broke　in　fringes　that　shimmered　in　the
sunlight。　Amaryllis；　water…lilies；　reeds；　and　phloxes　decorated　the
banks　with　their　glorious　tapestry。　A　trembling　bridge　of　rotten
planks；　the　abutments　swathed　with　flowers；　and　the　hand…rails　green
with　perennials　and　velvet　mosses　drooping　to　the　river　but　not
falling　to　it；　mouldering　boats；　fishing…nets；　the　monotonous　sing…
song　of　a　shepherd；　ducks　paddling　among　the　islands　or　preening　on
the　〃jard；〃a　name　given　to　the　coarse　sand　which　the　Loire　brings
down；　the　millers；　with　their　caps　over　one　ear；　busily　loading　their
mules；all　these　details　made　the　scene　before　me　one　of　primitive
simplicity。　Imagine；　also；　beyond　the　bridge　two　or　three　farm…houses；
a　dove…cote；　turtle…doves；　thirty　or　more　dilapidated　cottages；
separated　by　gardens；　by　hedge