the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第40章

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harm　he　does　me；　and　he　is　heartily　forgiven　for　it。　My　children；
those　dear　children　who　are　bound　to　my　flesh　through　their
sufferings；　to　my　soul　by　their　characters；　to　my　nature　by　their
innocent　happiness；those　children　were　surely　given　to　show　me　how
much　strength　and　patience　a　mother's　breast　contains。　Yes；　my
children　are　my　virtues。　You　know　how　my　heart　has　been　harrowed　for
them；　by　them；　in　spite　of　them。　To　be　a　mother　was；　for　me；　to　buy
the　right　to　suffer。　When　Hagar　cried　in　the　desert　an　angel　came　and
opened　a　spring　of　living　water　for　that　poor　slave；　but　I；　when　the
limpid　stream　to　which　（do　you　remember？）　you　tried　to　guide　me　flowed
past　Clochegourde；　its　waters　changed　to　bitterness　for　me。　Yes；　the
sufferings　you　have　inflicted　on　my　soul　are　terrible。　God；　no　doubt；
will　pardon　those　who　know　affection　only　through　its　pains。　But　if
the　keenest　of　these　pains　has　come　to　me　through　you；　perhaps　I
deserved　them。　God　is　not　unjust。　Ah；　yes；　Felix；　a　kiss　furtively
taken　may　be　a　crime。　Perhaps　it　is　just　that　a　woman　should　harshly
expiate　the　few　steps　taken　apart　from　husband　and　children　that　she
might　walk　alone　with　thoughts　and　memories　that　were　not　of　them；　and
so　walking；　marry　her　soul　to　another。　Perhaps　it　is　the　worst　of
crimes　when　the　inward　being　lowers　itself　to　the　region　of　human
kisses。　When　a　woman　bends　to　receive　her　husband's　kiss　with　a　mask
upon　her　face；　that　is　a　crime！　It　is　a　crime　to　think　of　a　future
springing　from　a　death；　a　crime　to　imagine　a　motherhood　without
terrors；　handsome　children　playing　in　the　evening　with　a　beloved
father　before　the　eyes　of　a　happy　mother。　Yes；　I　sinned；　sinned
greatly。　I　have　loved　the　penances　inflicted　by　the　Church；which　did
not　redeem　the　faults；　for　the　priest　was　too　indulgent。　God　has
placed　the　punishment　in　the　faults　themselves；　committing　the
execution　of　his　vengeance　to　the　one　for　whom　the　faults　were
committed。　When　I　gave　my　hair；　did　I　not　give　myself？　Why　did　I　so
often　dress　in　white？　because　I　seemed　the　more　your　lily；　did　you　not
see　me　here；　for　the　first　time；　all　in　white？　Alas！　I　have　loved　my
children　less；　for　all　intense　affection　is　stolen　from　the　natural
affections。　Felix；　do　you　not　see　that　all　suffering　has　its　meaning。
Strike　me；　wound　me　even　more　than　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　and　my
children's　state　have　wounded　me。　That　woman　is　the　instrument　of
God's　anger；　I　will　meet　her　without　hatred；　I　will　smile　upon　her；
under　pain　of　being　neither　Christian；　wife；　nor　mother；　I　ought　to
love　her。　If；　as　you　tell　me；　I　contributed　to　keep　your　heart
unsoiled　by　the　world；　that　Englishwoman　ought　not　to　hate　me。　A　woman
should　love　the　mother　of　the　man　she　loves；　and　I　am　your　mother。
What　place　have　I　sought　in　your　heart？　that　left　empty　by　Madame　de
Vandenesse。　Yes；　yes；　you　have　always　complained　of　my　coldness；　yes；
I　am　indeed　your　mother　only。　Forgive　me　therefore　the　involuntary
harshness　with　which　I　met　you　on　your　return；　a　mother　ought　to
rejoice　that　her　son　is　so　well　loved〃

She　laid　her　head　for　a　moment　on　my　breast；　repeating　the　words；
〃Forgive　me！　oh；　forgive　me！〃　in　a　voice　that　was　neither　her　girlish
voice　with　its　joyous　notes；　nor　the　woman's　voice　with　despotic
endings；　not　the　sighing　sound　of　the　mother's　woe；　but　an　agonizing
new　voice　for　new　sorrows。

〃You；　Felix；〃　she　presently　continued；　growing　animated；　〃you　are　the
friend　who　can　do　no　wrong。　Ah！　you　have　lost　nothing　in　my　heart；　do
not　blame　yourself；　do　not　feel　the　least　remorse。　It　was　the　height
of　selfishness　in　me　to　ask　you　to　sacrifice　the　joys　of　life　to　an
impossible　future；　impossible；　because　to　realize　it　a　woman　must
abandon　her　children；　abdicate　her　position；　and　renounce　eternity。
Many　a　time　I　have　thought　you　higher　than　I；　you　were　great　and
noble；　I；　petty　and　criminal。　Well；　well；　it　is　settled　now；　I　can　be
to　you　no　more　than　a　light　from　above；　sparkling　and　cold；　but
unchanging。　Only；　Felix；　let　me　not　love　the　brother　I　have　chosen
without　return。　Love　me；　cherish　me！　The　love　of　a　sister　has　no
dangerous　to…morrow；　no　hours　of　difficulty。　You　will　never　find　it
necessary　to　deceive　the　indulgent　heart　which　will　live　in　future
within　your　life；　grieve　for　your　griefs；　be　joyous　with　your　joys；
which　will　love　the　women　who　make　you　happy；　and　resent　their
treachery。　I　never　had　a　brother　to　love　in　that　way。　Be　noble　enough
to　lay　aside　all　self…love　and　turn　our　attachment；　hitherto　so
doubtful　and　full　of　trouble；　into　this　sweet　and　sacred　love。　In　this
way　I　shall　be　enabled　to　still　live。　I　will　begin　to…night　by　taking
Lady　Dudley's　hand。〃

She　did　not　weep　as　she　said　these　words　so　full　of　bitter　knowledge；
by　which；　casting　aside　the　last　remaining　veil　which　hid　her　soul
from　mine；　she　showed　by　how　many　ties　she　had　linked　herself　to　me；
how　many　chains　I　had　hewn　apart。　Our　emotions　were　so　great　that　for
a　time　we　did　not　notice　it　was　raining　heavily。

〃Will　Madame　la　comtesse　wait　here　under　shelter？〃　asked　the　coachman；
pointing　to　the　chief　inn　of　Ballan。

She　made　a　sign　of　assent；　and　we　stayed　nearly　half　an　hour　under　the
vaulted　entrance；　to　the　great　surprise　of　the　inn…people　who　wondered
what　brought　Madame　de　Mortsauf　on　that　road　at　eleven　o'clock　at
night。　Was　she　going　to　Tours？　Had　she　come　from　there？　When　the　storm
ceased　and　the　rain　turned　to　what　is　called　in　Touraine　a　〃brouee；〃
which　does　not　hinder　the　moon　from　shining　through　the　higher　mists
as　the　wind　with　its　upper　currents　whirls　them　away；　the　coachman
drove　from　our　shelter；　and；　to　my　great　delight；　turned　to　go　back
the　way　we　came。

〃Follow　my　orders；〃　said　the　countess；　gently。

We　now　took　the　road　across　the　Charlemagne　moor；　where　the　rain　began
again。　Half…way　across　I　heard　the　barking　of　Arabella's　dog；　a　horse
came　suddenly　from　beneath　a　clump　of　oaks；　jumped　the　ditch　which
owners　of　property　dig　around　their　cleared　lands　when　they　consider
them　suitable　for　cultivation；　and　carried　Lady　Dudley　to　the　moor　to
meet　the　carriage。

〃What　pleasure　to　meet　a　love　thus　if　it　can　be　done　without　sin；〃
said　Henriette。

The　barking　of　the　dog　had　told　Lady　Dudley　that　I　was　in　the
carriage。　She　thought；　no　doubt；　that　I　had　brought　it　to　meet　her　on
account　of　the　rain。　When　we　reached　the　spot　where　she　was　waiting；
she　urged　her　horse　to　the　side　of　the　road　with　the　equestrian
dexterity　for　which　she　was　famous；　and　which　to　Henriette　seemed
marvellous。

〃Amedee；〃　she　said；　and　the　name　in　her　English　pronunciation　had　a
fairy…like　charm。

〃He　is　here；　madame；〃　said　the　countess；　looking　at　the　fantastic
creature　plainly　visible　in　the　moonlight；　whose　impatient　face　was
oddly　swathed　in　locks　of　hair　now　out　of　curl。

You　know　with　what　swiftness　two　women　examine　each　other。　The
Englishwoman　recognized　her　rival；　and　was　gloriously　English；　she
gave　us　a　look　full　of　insular　contempt；　and　disappeared　in　the
underbrush　with　the　rapidity　of　an　arrow。

〃Drive　on　quickly　to　Clochegourde；〃　cried　the　countess；　to　whom　that
cutting　look　was　like　the　blow　of　an　axe　upon　her　heart。

The　coachman　turned　to　get　upon　the　road　to　Chinon　which　was　better
than　that　to　Sache。　As　the　carriage　again　approached　the　moor　we　heard
the　furious　galloping　of　Arabella's　horse　and　the　steps　of　her　dog。
All　three　were　skirting　the　wood　behind　the　bushes。

〃She　is　going；　you　will　lose　her　forever；〃　said　Henriette。

〃Let　her　go；〃　I　answered；　〃and　without　a　regret。〃

〃Oh；　poor　woman！〃　cried　the　countess；　with　a　sort　of　compassionate
horror。　〃Where　will　she　go？〃

〃Back　to　La　Grenadiere；a　little　house　near　Saint…Cyr；〃　I　said；
〃where　she　is　staying。〃

Just　as　we　were　entering　the　avenue　of　Clochegourde　Arabella's　dog
barked　joyfully　and　bounded　up　to　the　carriage。

〃She　is　here　before　us！〃　cried　the　countess；　then　after　a　pause　she
added；　〃I　have　never　seen　a　more　beautiful　woman。　What　a　hand　and　what
a　figure！　Her　complexion　outdoes　the　lily；　her　eyes　are　literally
bright　as　diamonds。　But　she　rides　too　well；　she　loves　to　display　her
strength；　I　think　her　violent　and　too　active；also　too　bold　for　our
conventions。　The　woman　who　recognizes　no　law　is　apt　to　listen　only　to
her　caprices。　Those　who　seek　to　shine；　to　make　a　stir；　have　not　the
gift　of　constancy。　Love　needs　tranquillity；　I　picture　it　to　myself
like　a　vast　lake　in　which　the　lead　can　find　no　bottom；　where　tempests
may　be　violent；　but　are　rare　and　controlled　within　certain　limits；
where　two　beings　live　on　a　flowery　isle　far　from　the　world　whose
luxury　and　display　offend　them。　Still；　love　must　take　the　imprint　of
the　character。　Perhaps　I　am　wrong。　If　nature's　elements　are　compelled
to　take　certain　forms　determined　by　climate；　why　is　it　not　the　same
with　the　feelings　of　individuals？　No　doubt　sentiments；　feelings；　which
hold　to　the　general　law　in　the　mass；　differ　in　expression　only。　Each
soul　has　its　own　method。　Lady　Dudley　is　the　strong　woman　who　can
traverse　distances　and　act　with　the　vigor　of　a　man；　she　would　rescue
her　lover　and　kill　jailers　and　guards；　while　other　women　can　only　love
with　their　whole　souls；　in　moments　of　danger　they　kneel　down　to　pray；
and　die。　Which　of　the　two　women　suits　you　best？　That　is　the　question。
Yes；　yes；　Lady　Dudley　must　surely　love；　she　has　made　many　sacrifices。
Perhaps　she　will　love　you　when　you　have　ceased　to　love　her！〃

〃Dear　angel；〃　I　said；　〃let　me　ask　the　question　you　asked　me；　how　is　it
that　you　know　these　things？〃

〃Every　sorrow　teaches　a　lesson；　and　I　have　suffered　on　so　many　points
that　my　knowledge　is　vast。〃

My　servant　had　heard　the　order　given；　and　thinking　we　should　return　by
the　terraces　he　held　my　horse　ready　for　me　in　the　avenue。　Arabella's
dog　had　scented　the　horse；　and　his　mistress；　drawn　by　very　natural
curiosity；　had　followed　the　animal　through　the　woods　to　the　avenue。

〃Go　and　make　your　peace；〃　said　Henriette；　smiling　without　a　tinge　of
sadness。　〃Say　to　Lady　Dudley　how　much　she　mistakes　my　intention；　I
wished　to　show　her　the　true　value　of　the　treasure　which　has　fallen　to
her；　my　heart　holds　none　but　kind　feelings；　above　all　neither　anger
nor　contempt。　Explain　to　her　that　I　am　her　sister；　and　not　her　rival。〃

〃I　shall　not　go；〃　I　said。

〃Have　you　never　discovered；〃　she　said　with　lofty　pride；　〃that　certain
propitiations　are　insulting？　Go！〃

I　rode　towards　Lady　Dudley　wishing　to　know　the　state　of　her　mind。　〃If
she　would　only　be　angry　and　leave　me；〃　I　thought；　〃I　could　return　to
Clochegourde。〃

The　dog　led　me　to　an　oak；　from　which；　as　I　came　up；　Arabella　galloped
crying　out　to　me；　〃Come！　away！　away！〃　All　that　I　could　do　was　to
follow　her　to　Saint　Cyr；　which　we　reached　about　midnight。

〃That　lady　is　in　perfect　health；〃　said　Arabella　as　she　dismounted。

Those　who　know　her　can　alone　imagine　the　satire　contained　in　that
remark；　dryly　said　in　a　tone　which　meant；　〃I　should　have　died！〃

〃I　forbid　you　to　utter　any　of　your　sarcasms　about　Madame　de　Mortsauf；〃
I　said。

〃Do　I　displease　your　Grace　in　remarking　upon　the　perfect　health　of　one
so　dear　to　your　precious　heart？　Frenchwomen　hate；　so　I　am　told；　even
their　lover's　dog。　In　England　we　love　all　t