the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第42章

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she　and　I　were　separated　by　a　universe。　A　wail　arose　within　our　souls
like　an　echo　of　that　woeful　〃Consummatum　est〃　heard　in　the　churches　on
Good　Friday　at　the　hour　the　Saviour　died；a　dreadful　scene　which　awes
young　souls　whose　first　love　is　religion。　All　Henriette's　illusions
were　killed　at　one　blow；　her　heart　had　endured　its　passion。　She　did
not　look　at　me；　she　refused　me　the　light　that　for　six　long　years　had
shone　upon　my　life。　She　knew　well　that　the　spring　of　the　effulgent
rays　shed　by　our　eyes　was　in　our　souls；　to　which　they　served　as
pathways　to　reach　each　other；　to　blend　them　in　one；　meeting；　parting；
playing；　like　two　confiding　women　who　tell　each　other　all。　Bitterly　I
felt　the　wrong　of　bringing　beneath　this　roof；　where　pleasure　was
unknown；　a　face　on　which　the　wings　of　pleasure　had　shaken　their
prismatic　dust。　If；　the　night　before；　I　had　allowed　Lady　Dudley　to
depart　alone；　if　I　had　then　returned　to　Clochegourde；　where；　it　may
be；　Henriette　awaited　me；　perhapsperhaps　Madame　de　Mortsauf　might
not　so　cruelly　have　resolved　to　be　my　sister。　But　now　she　paid　me　many
ostentatious　attentions；playing　her　part　vehemently　for　the　very
purpose　of　not　changing　it。　During　breakfast　she　showed　me　a　thousand
civilities；　humiliating　attentions；　caring　for　me　as　though　I　were　a
sick　man　whose　fate　she　pitied。

〃You　were　out　walking　early；〃　said　the　count；　〃I　hope　you　have　brought
back　a　good　appetite；　you　whose　stomach　is　not　yet　destroyed。〃

This　remark；　which　brought　the　smile　of　a　sister　to　Henriette's　lips；
completed　my　sense　of　the　ridicule　of　my　position。　It　was　impossible
to　be　at　Clochegourde　by　day　and　Saint…Cyr　by　night。　During　the　day　I
felt　how　difficult　it　was　to　become　the　friend　of　a　woman　we　have　long
loved。　The　transition；　easy　enough　when　years　have　brought　it　about；
is　like　an　illness　in　youth。　I　was　ashamed；　I　cursed　the　pleasure　Lady
Dudley　gave　me；　I　wished　that　Henriette　would　demand　my　blood。　I　could
not　tear　her　rival　in　pieces　before　her；　for　she　avoided　speaking　of
her；　indeed；　had　I　spoken　of　Arabella；　Henriette；　noble　and　sublime　to
the　inmost　recesses　of　her　heart；　would　have　despised　my　infamy。　After
five　years　of　delightful　intercourse　we　now　had　nothing　to　say　to　each
other；　our　words　had　no　connection　with　our　thoughts；　we　were　hiding
from　each　other　our　intolerable　pain；we；　whose　mutual　sufferings　had
been　our　first　interpreter。

Henriette　assumed　a　cheerful　look　for　me　as　for　herself；　but　she　was
sad。　She　spoke　of　herself　as　my　sister；　and　yet　found　no　ground　on
which　to　converse；　and　we　remained　for　the　greater　part　of　the　time　in
constrained　silence。　She　increased　my　inward　misery　by　feigning　to
believe　that　she　was　the　only　victim。

〃I　suffer　more　than　you；〃　I　said　to　her　at　a　moment　when　my　self…
styled　sister　was　betrayed　into　a　feminine　sarcasm。

〃How　so？〃　she　said　haughtily。

〃Because　I　am　the　one　to　blame。〃

At　last　her　manner　became　so　cold　and　indifferent　that　I　resolved　to
leave　Clochegourde。　That　evening；　on　the　terrace；　I　said　farewell　to
the　whole　family；　who　were　there　assembled。　They　all　followed　me　to
the　lawn　where　my　horse　was　waiting。　The　countess　came　to　me　as　I　took
the　bridle　in　my　hand。

〃Let　us　walk　down　the　avenue　together；　alone；〃　she　said。

I　gave　her　my　arm；　and　we　passed　through　the　courtyard　with　slow　and
measured　steps；　as　though　our　rhythmic　movement　were　consoling　to　us。
When　we　reached　the　grove　of　trees　which　forms　a　corner　of　the
boundary　she　stopped。

〃Farewell；　my　friend；〃　she　said；　throwing　her　head　upon　my　breast　and
her　arms　around　my　neck；　〃Farewell；　we　shall　never　meet　again。　God　has
given　me　the　sad　power　to　look　into　the　future。　Do　you　remember　the
terror　that　seized　me　the　day　you　first　came　back；　so　young；　so
handsome！　and　I　saw　you　turn　your　back　on　me　as　you　do　this　day　when
you　are　leaving　Clochegourde　and　going　to　Saint…Cyr？　Well；　once　again；
during　the　past　night　I　have　seen　into　the　future。　Friend；　we　are
speaking　together　for　the　last　time。　I　can　hardly　now　say　a　few　words
to　you；　for　it　is　but　a　part　of　me　that　speaks　at　all。　Death　has
already　seized　on　something　in　me。　You　have　taken　the　mother　from　her
children；　I　now　ask　you　to　take　her　place　to　them。　You　can；　Jacques
and　Madeleine　love　youas　if　you　had　always　made　them　suffer。〃

〃Death！〃　I　cried；　frightened　as　I　looked　at　her　and　beheld　the　fire　of
her　shining　eyes；　of　which　I　can　give　no　idea　to　those　who　have　never
known　their　dear　ones　struck　down　by　her　fatal　malady；　unless　I
compare　those　eyes　to　balls　of　burnished　silver。　〃Die！〃　I　said。
〃Henriette；　I　command　you　to　live。　You　used　to　ask　an　oath　of　me；　I
now　ask　one　of　you。　Swear　to　me　that　you　will　send　for　Origet　and　obey
him　in　everything。〃

〃Would　you　oppose　the　mercy　of　God？〃　she　said；　interrupting　me　with　a
cry　of　despair　at　being　thus　misunderstood。

〃You　do　not　love　me　enough　to　obey　me　blindly；　as　that　miserable　Lady
Dudley　does？〃

〃Yes；　yes；　I　will　do　all　you　ask；〃　she　cried；　goaded　by　jealousy。

〃Then　I　stay；〃　I　said；　kissing　her　on　the　eyelids。

Frightened　at　the　words；　she　escaped　from　my　arms　and　leaned　against　a
tree；　then　she　turned　and　walked　rapidly　homeward　without　looking
back。　But　I　followed　her；　she　was　weeping　and　praying。　When　we　reached
the　lawn　I　took　her　hand　and　kissed　it　respectfully。　This　submission
touched　her。

〃I　am　yoursforever；　and　as　you　will；〃　I　said；　〃for　I　love　you　as
your　aunt　loved　you。〃


She　trembled　and　wrung　my　hand。

〃One　look；〃　I　said；　〃one　more；　one　last　of　our　old　looks！　The　woman
who　gives　herself　wholly；〃　I　cried；　my　soul　illumined　by　the　glance
she　gave　me；　〃gives　less　of　life　and　soul　than　I　have　now　received。
Henriette；　thou　art　my　best…belovedmy　only　love。〃

〃I　shall　live！〃　she　said；　〃but　cure　yourself　as　well。〃

That　look　had　effaced　the　memory　of　Arabella's　sarcasms。　Thus　I　was
the　plaything　of　the　two　irreconcilable　passions　I　have　now　described
to　you；　I　was　influenced　by　each　alternately。　I　loved　an　angel　and　a
demon；　two　women　equally　beautiful；one　adorned　with　all　the　virtues
which　we　decry　through　hatred　of　our　own　imperfections；　the　other　with
all　the　vices　which　we　deify　through　selfishness。　Returning　along　that
avenue；　looking　back　again　and　again　at　Madame　de　Mortsauf；　as　she
leaned　against　a　tree　surrounded　by　her　children　who　waved　their
handkerchiefs；　I　detected　in　my　soul　an　emotion　of　pride　in　finding
myself　the　arbiter　of　two　such　destinies；　the　glory；　in　ways　so
different；　of　women　so　distinguished；　proud　of　inspiring　such　great
passions　that　death　must　come　to　whichever　I　abandoned。　Ah！　believe
me；　that　passing　conceit　has　been　doubly　punished！

I　know　not　what　demon　prompted　me　to　remain　with　Arabella　and　await
the　moment　when　the　death　of　the　count　might　give　me　Henriette；　for
she　would　ever　love　me。　Her　harshness；　her　tears；　her　remorse；　her
Christian　resignation；　were　so　many　eloquent　signs　of　a　sentiment　that
could　no　more　be　effaced　from　her　heart　than　from　mine。　Walking　slowly
down　that　pretty　avenue　and　making　these　reflections；　I　was　no　longer
twenty…five；　I　was　fifty　years　old。　A　man　passes　in　a　moment；　even
more　quickly　than　a　woman；　from　youth　to　middle　age。　Though　long　ago　I
drove　these　evil　thoughts　away　from　me；　I　was　then　possessed　by　them；
I　must　avow　it。　Perhaps　I　owed　their　presence　in　my　mind　to　the
Tuileries；　to　the　king's　cabinet。　Who　could　resist　the　polluting
spirit　of　Louis　XVIII。？

When　I　reached　the　end　of　the　avenue　I　turned　and　rushed　back　in　the
twinkling　of　an　eye；　seeing　that　Henriette　was　still　there；　and　alone！
I　went　to　bid　her　a　last　farewell；　bathed　in　repentant　tears；　the
cause　of　which　she　never　knew。　Tears　sincere　indeed；　given；　although　I
knew　it　not；　to　noble　loves　forever　lost；　to　virgin　emotionsthose
flowers　of　our　life　which　cannot　bloom　again。　Later；　a　man　gives
nothing；　he　receives；　he　loves　himself　in　his　mistress；　but　in　youth
he　loves　his　mistress　in　himself。　Later；　we　inoculate　with　our　tastes；
perhaps　our　vices；　the　woman　who　loves　us；　but　in　the　dawn　of　life　she
whom　we　love　conveys　to　us　her　virtues；　her　conscience。　She　invites　us
with　a　smile　to　the　noble　life；　from　her　we　learn　the　self…devotion
which　she　practises。　Woe　to　the　man　who　has　not　had　his　Henriette。　Woe
to　that　other　one　who　has　never　known　a　Lady　Dudley。　The　latter；　if　he
marries；　will　not　be　able　to　keep　his　wife；　the　other　will　be
abandoned　by　his　mistress。　But　joy　to　him　who　can　find　the　two　women
in　one　woman；　happy　the　man；　dear　Natalie；　whom　you　love。

After　my　return　to　Paris　Arabella　and　I　became　more　intimate　than
ever。　Soon　we　insensibly　abandoned　all　the　conventional　restrictions　I
had　carefully　imposed；　the　strict　observance　of　which　often　makes　the
world　forgive　the　false　position　in　which　Lady　Dudley　had　placed
herself。　Society；　which　delights　in　looking　behind　appearances；
sanctions　much　as　soon　as　it　knows　the　secrets　they　conceal。　Lovers
who　live　in　the　great　world　make　a　mistake　in　flinging　down　these
barriers　exacted　by　the　law　of　salons；　they　do　wrong　not　to　obey
scrupulously　all　conventions　which　the　manners　and　customs　of　a
community　impose；less　for　the　sake　of　others　than　for　their　own。
Outward　respect　to　be　maintained；　comedies　to　play；　concealments　to　be
managed；　all　such　strategy　of　love　occupies　the　life；　renews　desire；
and　protects　the　heart　against　the　palsy　of　habit。　But　all　young
passions；　being；　like　youth　itself；　essentially　spendthrift；　raze
their　forests　to　the　ground　instead　of　merely　cutting　the　timber。
Arabella　adopted　none　of　these　bourgeois　ideas；　and　yielded　to　them
only　to　please　me；　she　wished　to　exhibit　me　to　the　eyes　of　all　Paris
as　her　〃sposo。〃　She　employed　her　powers　of　seduction　to　keep　me　under
her　roof；　for　she　was　not　content　with　a　rumored　scandal　which；　for
want　of　proof；　was　only　whispered　behind　the　fans。　Seeing　her　so　happy
in　committing　an　imprudence　which　frankly　admitted　her　position；　how
could　I　help　believing　in　her　love？

But　no　sooner　was　I　plunged　into　the　comforts　of　illegal　marriage　than
despair　seized　upon　me；　I　saw　my　life　bound　to　a　course　in　direct
defiance　of　the　ideas　and　the　advice　given　me　by　Henriette。
Thenceforth　I　lived　in　the　sort　of　rage　we　find　in　consumptive
patients　who；　knowing　their　end　is　near；　cannot　endure　that　their
lungs　should　be　examined。　There　was　no　corner　in　my　heart　where　I
could　fly　to　escape　suffering；　an　avenging　spirit　filled　me
incessantly　with　thoughts　on　which　I　dared　not　dwell。　My　letters　to
Henriette　depicted　this　moral　malady　and　did　her　infinite　harm。　〃At
the　cost　of　so　many　treasures　lost；　I　wished　you　to　be　at　least
happy；〃　she　wrote　in　the　only　answer　I　received。　But　I　was　not　happy。
Dear　Natalie；　happiness　is　absolute；　it　allows　of　no　comparisons。　My
first　ardor　over；　I　necessarily　compared　the　two　women；a　contrast　I
had　never　yet　studied。　In　fact；　all　great　passions　press　so　strongly
on　the　character　that　at　first　they　check　its　asperities　and　cover　the
track　of　habits　which　constitute　our　defects　and　our　better　qualities。
But　later；　when　two　lovers　are　accustomed　to　each　other；　the　features
of　their　moral　physiognomies　reappear；　they　mutually　judge　each　other