the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第50章

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terrace。

〃Dear　Madeleine；〃　I　said；　〃if　I　am　to　speak　to　you；　surely　it　should
be　here　where　your　mother　listened　to　me　when　she　felt　she　had　less
reason　to　complain　of　me　than　of　the　circumstances　of　life。　I　know
your　thoughts；　but　are　you　not　condemning　me　without　a　knowledge　of
the　facts？　My　life　and　happiness　are　bound　up　in　this　place；　you　know
that；　and　yet　you　seek　to　banish　me　by　the　coldness　you　show；　in　place
of　the　brotherly　affection　which　has　always　united　us；　and　which　death
should　have　strengthened　by　the　bonds　of　a　common　grief。　Dear
Madeleine；　you　for　whom　I　would　gladly　give　my　life　without　hope　of
recompense；　without　your　even　knowing　it；so　deeply　do　we　love　the
children　of　those　who　have　succored　us；you　are　not　aware　of　the
project　your　adorable　mother　cherished　during　the　last　seven　years。　If
you　knew　it　your　feelings　would　doubtless　soften　towards　me；　but　I　do
not　wish　to　take　advantage　of　you　now。　All　that　I　ask　is　that　you　do
not　deprive　me　of　the　right　to　come　here；　to　breathe　the　air　on　this
terrace；　and　to　wait　until　time　has　changed　your　ideas　of　social　life。
At　this　moment　I　desire　not　to　ruffle　them；　I　respect　a　grief　which
misleads　you；　for　it　takes　even　from　me　the　power　of　judging　soberly
the　circumstances　in　which　I　find　myself。　The　saint　who　now　looks　down
upon　us　will　approve　the　reticence　with　which　I　simply　ask　that　you
stand　neutral　between　your　present　feelings　and　my　wishes。　I　love　you
too　well；　in　spite　of　the　aversion　you　are　showing　me；　to　say　one　word
to　the　count　of　a　proposal　he　would　welcome　eagerly。　Be　free。　Later；
remember　that　you　know　no　one　in　the　world　as　you　know　me；　that　no　man
will　ever　have　more　devoted　feelings〃

Up　to　this　moment　Madeleine　had　listened　with　lowered　eyes；　now　she
stopped　me　by　a　gesture。

〃Monsieur；〃　she　said；　in　a　voice　trembling　with　emotion。　〃I　know　all
your　thoughts；　but　I　shall　not　change　my　feelings　towards　you。　I　would
rather　fling　myself　into　the　Indre　than　ally　myself　to　you。　I　will　not
speak　to　you　of　myself；　but　if　my　mother's　name　still　possesses　any
power　over　you；　in　her　name　I　beg　you　never　to　return　to　Clochegourde
so　long　as　I　am　in　it。　The　mere　sight　of　you　causes　me　a　repugnance　I
cannot　express；　but　which　I　shall　never　overcome。〃

She　bowed　to　me　with　dignity；　and　returned　to　the　house　without
looking　back；　impassible　as　her　mother　had　been　for　one　day　only；　but
more　pitiless。　The　searching　eye　of　that　young　girl　had　discovered；
though　tardily；　the　secrets　of　her　mother's　heart；　and　her　hatred　to
the　man　whom　she　fancied　fatal　to　her　mother's　life　may　have　been
increased　by　a　sense　of　her　innocent　complicity。

All　before　me　was　now　chaos。　Madeleine　hated　me；　without　considering
whether　I　was　the　cause　or　the　victim　of　these　misfortunes。　She　might
have　hated　us　equally；　her　mother　and　me；　had　we　been　happy。　Thus　it
was　that　the　edifice　of　my　happiness　fell　in　ruins。　I　alone　knew　the
life　of　that　unknown；　noble　woman。　I　alone　had　entered　every　region　of
her　soul；　neither　mother；　father；　husband；　nor　children　had　ever　known
her。Strange　truth！　I　stir　this　heap　of　ashes　and　take　pleasure　in
spreading　them　before　you；　all　hearts　may　find　something　in　them　of
their　closest　experience。　How　many　families　have　had　their　Henriette！
How　many　noble　feelings　have　left　this　earth　with　no　historian　to
fathom　their　hearts；　to　measure　the　depth　and　breadth　of　their
spirits。　Such　is　human　life　in　all　its　truth！　Often　mothers　know　their
children　as　little　as　their　children　know　them。　So　it　is　with
husbands；　lovers；　brothers。　Did　I　imagine　that　one　day；　beside　my
father's　coffin；　I　should　contend　with　my　brother　Charles；　for　whose
advancement　I　had　done　so　much？　Good　God！　how　many　lessons　in　the
simplest　history。

When　Madeleine　disappeared　into　the　house；　I　went　away　with　a　broken
heart。　Bidding　farewell　to　my　host　at　Sache；　I　started　for　Paris；
following　the　right　bank　of　the　Indre；　the　one　I　had　taken　when　I
entered　the　valley　for　the　first　time。　Sadly　I　drove　through　the
pretty　village　of　Pont…de…Ruan。　Yet　I　was　rich；　political　life　courted
me；　I　was　not　the　weary　plodder　of　1814。　Then　my　heart　was　full　of
eager　desires；　now　my　eyes　were　full　of　tears；　once　my　life　was　all
before　me　to　fill　as　I　could；　now　I　knew　it　to　be　a　desert。　I　was
still　young；only　twenty…nine；but　my　heart　was　withered。　A　few
years　had　sufficed　to　despoil　that　landscape　of　its　early　glory；　and
to　disgust　me　with　life。　You　can　imagine　my　feelings　when；　on　turning
round；　I　saw　Madeleine　on　the　terrace。

A　prey　to　imperious　sadness；　I　gave　no　thought　to　the　end　of　my
journey。　Lady　Dudley　was　far；　indeed；　from　my　mind；　and　I　entered　the
courtyard　of　her　house　without　reflection。　The　folly　once　committed；　I
was　forced　to　carry　it　out。　My　habits　were　conjugal　in　her　house；　and
I　went　upstairs　thinking　of　the　annoyances　of　a　rupture。　If　you　have
fully　understood　the　character　and　manners　of　Lady　Dudley；　you　can
imagine　my　discomfiture　when　her　majordomo　ushered　me；　still　in　my
travelling　dress；　into　a　salon　where　I　found　her　sumptuously　dressed
and　surrounded　by　four　persons。　Lord　Dudley；　one　of　the　most
distinguished　old　statesmen　of　England；　was　standing　with　his　back　to
the　fireplace；　stiff；　haughty；　frigid；　with　the　sarcastic　air　he
doubtless　wore　in　parliament；　he　smiled　when　he　heard　my　name。
Arabella's　two　children；　who　were　amazingly　like　de　Marsay　（a　natural
son　of　the　old　lord）；　were　near　their　mother；　de　Marsay　himself　was　on
the　sofa　beside　her。　As　soon　as　Arabella　saw　me　she　assumed　a　distant
air；　and　glanced　at　my　travelling　cap　as　if　to　ask　what　brought　me
there。　She　looked　me　over　from　head　to　foot；　as　though　I　were　some
country　gentlemen　just　presented　to　her。　As　for　our　intimacy；　that
eternal　passion；　those　vows　of　suicide　if　I　ceased　to　love　her；　those
visions　of　Armida；　all　had　vanished　like　a　dream。　I　had　never　clasped
her　hand；　I　was　a　stranger；　she　knew　me　not。　In　spite　of　the
diplomatic　self…possession　to　which　I　was　gradually　being　trained；　I
was　confounded；　and　all　others　in　my　place　would　have　felt　the　same。
De　Marsay　smiled　at　his　boots；　which　he　examined　with　remarkable
interest。　I　decided　at　once　upon　my　course。　From　any　other　woman　I
should　modestly　have　accepted　my　defeat；　but；　outraged　at　the　glowing
appearance　of　the　heroine　who　had　vowed　to　die　for　love；　and　who　had
scoffed　at　the　woman　who　was　really　dead；　I　resolved　to　meet　insolence
with　insolence。　She　knew　very　well　the　misfortunes　of　Lady　Brandon；　to
remind　her　of　them　was　to　send　a　dagger　to　her　heart；　though　the
weapon　might　be　blunted　by　the　blow。

〃Madame；〃　I　said；　〃I　am　sure　you　will　pardon　my　unceremonious
entrance；　when　I　tell　you　that　I　have　just　arrived　from　Touraine；　and
that　Lady　Brandon　has　given　me　a　message　for　you　which　allows　of　no
delay。　I　feared　you　had　already　started　for　Lancashire；　but　as　you　are
still　in　Paris　I　will　await　your　orders　at　any　hour　you　may　be　pleased
to　appoint。〃

She　bowed；　and　I　left　the　room。　Since　that　day　I　have　only　met　her　in
society；　where　we　exchange　a　friendly　bow；　and　occasionally　a　sarcasm。
I　talk　to　her　of　the　inconsolable　women　of　Lancashire；　she　makes
allusion　to　Frenchwomen　who　dignify　their　gastric　troubles　by　calling
them　despair。　Thanks　to　her；　I　have　a　mortal　enemy　in　de　Marsay；　of
whom　she　is　very　fond。　In　return；　I　call　her　the　wife　of　two
generations。

So　my　disaster　was　complete；　it　lacked　nothing。　I　followed　the　plan　I
had　laid　out　for　myself　during　my　retreat　at　Sache；　I　plunged　into
work　and　gave　myself　wholly　to　science；　literature；　and　politics。　I
entered　the　diplomatic　service　on　the　accession　of　Charles　X。；　who
suppressed　the　employment　I　held　under　the　late　king。　From　that　moment
I　was　firmly　resolved　to　pay　no　further　attention　to　any　woman；　no
matter　how　beautiful；　witty；　or　loving　she　might　be。　This
determination　succeeded　admirably；　I　obtained　a　really　marvellous
tranquillity　of　mind；　and　great　powers　of　work；　and　I　came　to
understand　how　much　these　women　waste　our　lives；　believing；　all　the
while；　that　a　few　gracious　words　will　repay　us。

Butall　my　resolutions　came　to　naught；　you　know　how　and　why。　Dear
Natalie；　in　telling　you　my　life；　without　reserve；　without　concealment；
precisely　as　I　tell　it　to　myself；　in　relating　to　you　feelings　in　which
you　have　had　no　share；　perhaps　I　have　wounded　some　corner　of　your
sensitive　and　jealous　heart。　But　that　which　might　anger　a　common　woman
will　be　to　youI　feel　sure　of　itan　additional　reason　for　loving　me。
Noble　women　have　indeed　a　sublime　mission　to　fulfil　to　suffering　and
sickened　hearts；the　mission　of　the　sister　of　charity　who　stanches
the　wound；　of　the　mother　who　forgives　a　child。　Artists　and　poets　are
not　the　only　ones　who　suffer；　men　who　work　for　their　country；　for　the
future　destiny　of　the　nations；　enlarging　thus　the　circle　of　their
passions　and　their　thoughts；　often　make　for　themselves　a　cruel
solitude。　They　need　a　pure；　devoted　love　beside　them；believe　me；
they　understand　its　grandeur　and　its　worth。

To…morrow　I　shall　know　if　I　have　deceived　myself　in　loving　you。

Felix。




ANSWER　TO　THE　ENVOI

　　Madame　la　Comtesse　Natalie　de　Manerville　to　Monsieur　le　Comte　
　　Felix　de　Vandenesse。

　　Dear　Count；You　received　a　letter　from　poor　Madame　de　Mortsauf；
　　which；　you　say；　was　of　use　in　guiding　you　through　the　world；a
　　letter　to　which　you　owe　your　distinguished　career。　Permit　me　to
　　finish　your　education。

　　Give　up；　I　beg　of　you；　a　really　dreadful　habit；　do　not　imitate
　　certain　widows　who　talk　of　their　first　husband　and　throw　the
　　virtues　of　the　deceased　in　the　face　of　their　second。　I　am　a
　　Frenchwoman；　dear　count；　I　wish　to　marry　the　whole　of　the　man　I
　　love；　and　I　really　cannot　marry　Madame　de　Mortsauf　too。　Having
　　read　your　tale　with　all　the　attention　it　deserves；and　you　know
　　the　interest　I　feel　in　you；it　seems　to　me　that　you　must　have
　　wearied　Lady　Dudley　with　the　perfections　of　Madame　de　Mortsauf；
　　and　done　great　harm　to　the　countess　by　overwhelming　her　with　the
　　experiences　of　your　English　love。　Also　you　have　failed　in　tact　to
　　me；　poor　creature　without　other　merit　than　that　of　pleasing　you；
　　you　have　given　me　to　understand　that　I　cannot　love　as　Henriette　or
　　Arabella　loved　you。　I　acknowledge　my　imperfections；　I　know　them；
　　but　why　so　roughly　make　me　feel　them？

　　Shall　I　tell　you　whom　I　pity？the　fourth　woman　whom　you　love。　She
　　will　be　forced　to　struggle　against　three　others。　Therefore；　in
　　your　interests　as　well　as　in　hers；　I　must　warn　you　against　the
　　dangers　of　your　tale。　For　myself；　I　renounce　the　laborious　glory
　　of　loving　you；it　needs　too　many　virtues；　Catholic　or　Anglican；
　　and　I　have　no　fancy　for　rivalling　phantoms。　The　virtues　of　the
　　virgin　of　Clochegourde　would　dishearten　any　woman；　however　sure　of
　　herself　she　might　be；　and　your　intrepid　English　amazon　discourages
　　even　a　wish　for　that　sort　of　happiness。　No　matter　what　a　poor
　　woman　may　do；　she　can　never　hope　to　give　you　the　joys　she　will
　　aspire　to　give。　Neither　heart　nor　senses　can　triumph　against　these
　　memories　of　yours。　I　own　that　I　have　never　been　able　to　warm　the
　　sunshine　chilled　for　you　by　the　death　of　your　sa