roughing it-第51章

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dead　of　night；　and　cast　the　horoscope　of　the　several　heroes　and　heroines
in　such　a　way　as　to　provide　plenty　of　trouble　for　their　future　careers
and　breed　a　solemn　and　awful　public　interest　in　the　novel。　　He　also
introduced　a　cloaked　and　masked　melodramatic　miscreant；　put　him　on　a
salary　and　set　him　on　the　midnight　track　of　the　Duke　with　a　poisoned
dagger。　　He　also　created　an　Irish　coachman　with　a　rich　brogue　and　placed
him　in　the　service　of　the　society…young…lady　with　an　ulterior　mission　to
carry　billet…doux　to　the　Duke。

About　this　time　there　arrived　in　Virginia　a　dissolute　stranger　with　a
literary　turn　of　mindrather　seedy　he　was；　but　very　quiet　and
unassuming；　almost　diffident；　indeed。　　He　was　so　gentle；　and　his　manners
were　so　pleasing　and　kindly；　whether　he　was　sober　or　intoxicated；　that　he
made　friends　of　all　who　came　in　contact　with　him。　　He　applied　for
literary　work；　offered　conclusive　evidence　that　he　wielded　an　easy　and
practiced　pen；　and　so　Mr。　F。　engaged　him　at　once　to　help　write　the　novel。
His　chapter　was　to　follow　Mr。　D。's；　and　mine　was　to　come　next。　　Now　what
does　this　fellow　do　but　go　off　and　get　drunk　and　then　proceed　to　his
quarters　and　set　to　work　with　his　imagination　in　a　state　of　chaos；　and
that　chaos　in　a　condition　of　extravagant　activity。　　The　result　may　be
guessed。　　He　scanned　the　chapters　of　his　predecessors；　found　plenty　of
heroes　and　heroines　already　created；　and　was　satisfied　with　them；　he
decided　to　introduce　no　more；　with　all　the　confidence　that　whisky
inspires　and　all　the　easy　complacency　it　gives　to　its　servant；　he　then
launched　himself　lovingly　into　his　work：　he　married　the　coachman　to　the
society…young…lady　for　the　sake　of　the　scandal；　married　the　Duke　to　the
blonde's　stepmother；　for　the　sake　of　the　sensation；　stopped　the
desperado's　salary；　created　a　misunderstanding　between　the　devil　and　the
Roscicrucian；　threw　the　Duke's　property　into　the　wicked　lawyer's　hands；
made　the　lawyer's　upbraiding　conscience　drive　him　to　drink；　thence　to
delirium　tremens；　thence　to　suicide；　broke　the　coachman's　neck；　let　his
widow　succumb　to　contumely；　neglect；　poverty　and　consumption；　caused　the
blonde　to　drown　herself；　leaving　her　clothes　on　the　bank　with　the
customary　note　pinned　to　them　forgiving　the　Duke　and　hoping　he　would　be
happy；　revealed　to　the　Duke；　by　means　of　the　usual　strawberry　mark　on
left　arm；　that　he　had　married　his　own　long…lost　mother　and　destroyed　his
long…lost　sister；　instituted　the　proper　and　necessary　suicide　of　the　Duke
and　the　Duchess　in　order　to　compass　poetical　justice；　opened　the　earth
and　let　the　Roscicrucian　through；　accompanied　with　the　accustomed　smoke
and　thunder　and　smell　of　brimstone；　and　finished　with　the　promise　that　in
the　next　chapter；　after　holding　a　general　inquest；　he　would　take　up　the
surviving　character　of　the　novel　and　tell　what　became　of　the　devil！
It　read　with　singular　smoothness；　and　with　a　〃dead〃　earnestness　that　was
funny　enough　to　suffocate　a　body。　　But　there　was　war　when　it　came　in。
The　other　novelists　were　furious。　　The　mild　stranger；　not　yet　more　than
half　sober；　stood　there；　under　a　scathing　fire　of　vituperation；　meek　and
bewildered；　looking　from　one　to　another　of　his　assailants；　and　wondering
what　he　could　have　done　to　invoke　such　a　storm。　　When　a　lull　came　at
last；　he　said　his　say　gently　and　appealinglysaid　he　did　not　rightly
remember　what　he　had　written；　but　was　sure　he　had　tried　to　do　the　best　he
could；　and　knew　his　object　had　been　to　make　the　novel　not　only　pleasant
and　plausible　but　instructive　and

The　bombardment　began　again。　　The　novelists　assailed　his　ill…chosen
adjectives　and　demolished　them　with　a　storm　of　denunciation　and　ridicule。
And　so　the　siege　went　on。　　Every　time　the　stranger　tried　to　appease　the
enemy　he　only　made　matters　worse。　　Finally　he　offered　to　rewrite　the
chapter。　　This　arrested　hostilities。　　The　indignation　gradually　quieted
down；　peace　reigned　again　and　the　sufferer　retired　in　safety　and　got　him
to　his　own　citadel。

But　on　the　way　thither　the　evil　angel　tempted　him　and　he　got　drunk　again。
And　again　his　imagination　went　mad。　　He　led　the　heroes　and　heroines　a
wilder　dance　than　ever；　and　yet　all　through　it　ran　that　same　convincing
air　of　honesty　and　earnestness　that　had　marked　his　first　work。　　He　got
the　characters　into　the　most　extraordinary　situations；　put　them　through
the　most　surprising　performances；　and　made　them　talk　the　strangest　talk！
But　the　chapter　cannot　be　described。　　It　was　symmetrically　crazy；　it　was
artistically　absurd；　and　it　had　explanatory　footnotes　that　were　fully　as
curious　as　the　text。　　I　remember　one　of　the　〃situations；〃　and　will　offer
it　as　an　example　of　the　whole。　　He　altered　the　character　of　the　brilliant
lawyer；　and　made　him　a　great…hearted；　splendid　fellow；　gave　him　fame　and
riches；　and　set　his　age　at　thirty…three　years。　　Then　he　made　the　blonde
discover；　through　the　help　of　the　Roscicrucian　and　the　melodramatic
miscreant；　that　while　the　Duke　loved　her　money　ardently　and　wanted　it；　he
secretly　felt　a　sort　of　leaning　toward　the　society…young…lady。　　Stung　to
the　quick；　she　tore　her　affections　from　him　and　bestowed　them　with
tenfold　power　upon　the　lawyer；　who　responded　with　consuming　zeal。　　But
the　parents　would　none　of　it。　　What　they　wanted　in　the　family　was　a　Duke；
and　a　Duke　they　were　determined　to　have；　though　they　confessed　that　next
to　the　Duke　the　lawyer　had　their　preference。　　Necessarily　the　blonde　now
went　into　a　decline。　　The　parents　were　alarmed。　　They　pleaded　with　her　to
marry　the　Duke；　but　she　steadfastly　refused；　and　pined　on。　　Then　they
laid　a　plan。　　They　told　her　to　wait　a　year　and　a　day；　and　if　at　the　end
of　that　time　she　still　felt　that　she　could　not　marry　the　Duke；　she　might
marry　the　lawyer　with　their　full　consent。　　The　result　was　as　they　had
foreseen：　gladness　came　again；　and　the　flush　of　returning　health。　　Then
the　parents　took　the　next　step　in　their　scheme。　　They　had　the　family
physician　recommend　a　long　sea　voyage　and　much　land　travel　for　the
thorough　restoration　of　the　blonde's　strength；　and　they　invited　the　Duke
to　be　of　the　party。　　They　judged　that　the　Duke's　constant　presence　and
the　lawyer's　protracted　absence　would　do　the　restfor　they　did　not
invite　the　lawyer。

So　they　set　sail　in　a　steamer　for　Americaand　the　third　day　out；　when
their　sea…sickness　called　truce　and　permitted　them　to　take　their　first
meal　at　the　public　table；　behold　there　sat　the　lawyer！　　The　Duke　and
party　made　the　best　of　an　awkward　situation；　the　voyage　progressed；　and
the　vessel　neared　America。

But；　by　and　by；　two　hundred　miles　off　New　Bedford；　the　ship　took　fire；
she　burned　to　the　water's　edge；　of　all　her　crew　and　passengers；　only
thirty　were　saved。　　They　floated　about　the　sea　half　an　afternoon　and　all
night　long。　　Among　them　were　our　friends。　　The　lawyer；　by　superhuman
exertions；　had　saved　the　blonde　and　her　parents；　swimming　back　and　forth
two　hundred　yards　and　bringing　one　each　time（the　girl　first）。　　The　Duke
had　saved　himself。　　In　the　morning　two　whale　ships　arrived　on　the　scene
and　sent　their　boats。　　The　weather　was　stormy　and　the　embarkation　was
attended　with　much　confusion　and　excitement。　　The　lawyer　did　his　duty
like　a　man；　helped　his　exhausted　and　insensible　blonde；　her　parents　and
some　others　into　a　boat　（the　Duke　helped　himself　in）；　then　a　child　fell
overboard　at　the　other　end　of　the　raft　and　the　lawyer　rushed　thither　and
helped　half　a　dozen　people　fish　it　out；　under　the　stimulus　of　its
mother's　screams。　　Then　he　ran　backa　few　seconds　too　latethe　blonde's
boat　was　under　way。　　So　he　had　to　take　the　other　boat；　and　go　to　the
other　ship。　　The　storm　increased　and　drove　the　vessels　out　of　sight　of
each　otherdrove　them　whither　it　would。

When　it　calmed；　at　the　end　of　three　days；　the　blonde's　ship　was　seven
hundred　miles　north　of　Boston　and　the　other　about　seven　hundred　south　of
that　port。　　The　blonde's　captain　was　bound　on　a　whaling　cruise　in　the
North　Atlantic　and　could　not　go　back　such　a　distance　or　make　a　port
without　orders；　such　being　nautical　law。　　The　lawyer's　captain　was　to
cruise　in　the　North　Pacific；　and　he　could　not　go　back　or　make　a　port
without　orders。　　All　the　lawyer's　money　and　baggage　were　in　the　blonde's
boat　and　went　to　the　blonde's　shipso　his　captain　made　him　work　his
passage　as　a　common　sailor。　　When　both　ships　had　been　cruising　nearly　a
year；　the　one　was　off　the　coast　of　Greenland　and　the　other　in　Behring's
Strait。　　The　blonde　had　long　ago　been　well…nigh　persuaded　that　her　lawyer
had　been　washed　overboard　and　lost　just　before　the　whale　ships　reached
the　raft；　and　now；　under　the　pleadings　of　her　parents　and　the　Duke　she
was　at　last　beginning　to　nerve　herself　for　the　doom　of　the　covenant；　and
prepare　for　the　hated　marriage。

But　she　would　not　yield　a　day　before　the　date　set。　　The　weeks　dragged　on；
the　time　narrowed；　orders　were　given　to　deck　the　ship　for　the　weddinga
wedding　at　sea　among　icebergs　and　walruses。　　Five　days　more　and　all　would
be　over。　　So　the　blonde　reflected；　with　a　sigh　and　a　tear。　　Oh　where　was
her　true　loveand　why；　why　did　he　not　come　and　save　her？　　At　that　moment
he　was　lifting　his　harpoon　to　strike　a　whale　in　Behring's　Strait；　five
thousand　miles　away；　by　the　way　of　the　Arctic　Ocean；　or　twenty　thousand
by　the　way　of　the　Hornthat　was　the　reason。　　He　struck；　but　not　with
perfect　aimhis　foot　slipped　and　he　fell　in　the　whale's　mouth　and　went
down　his　throat。　　He　was　insensible　five　days。　　Then　he　came　to　himself
and　heard　voices；　daylight　was　streaming　through　a　hole　cut　in　the
whale's　roof。　　He　climbed　out　and　astonished　the　sailors　who　were
hoisting　blubber　up　a　ship's　side。　　He　recognized　the　vessel；　flew
aboard；　surprised　the　wedding　party　at　the　altar　and　exclaimed：

〃Stop　the　proceedingsI'm　here！　　Come　to　my　arms；　my　own！〃

There　were　foot…notes　to　this　extravagant　piece　of　literature　wherein　the
author　endeavored　to　show　that　the　whole　thing　was　within　the
possibilities；　he　said　he　got　the　incident　of　the　whale　traveling　from
Behring's　Strait　to　the　coast　of　Greenland；　five　thousand　miles　in　five
days；　through　the　Arctic　Ocean；　from　Charles　Reade's　〃Love　Me　Little　Love
Me　Long；〃　and　considered　that　that　established　the　fact　that　the　thing
could　be　done；　and　he　instanced　Jonah's　adventure　as　proof　that　a　man
could　live　in　a　whale's　belly；　and　added　that　if　a　preacher　could　stand
it　three　days　a　lawyer　could　surely　stand　it　five！

There　was　a　fiercer　storm　than　ever　in　the　editorial　sanctum　now；　and　the
stranger　was　peremptorily　discharged；　and　his　manuscript　flung　at　his
head。　　But　he　had　already　delayed　things　so　much　that　there　was　not　time
for　some　one　else　to　rewrite　the　chapter；　and　so　the　paper　came　out
without　any　novel　in　it。　　It　was　but　a　feeble；　struggling；　stupid
journal；　and　the　absence　of　the　novel　probably　shook　public　confidence；
at　any　rate；　before　the　first　side　of　the　next　issue　went　to　press；　the
Weekly　Occidental　died　as　peacefully　as　an　infant。

An　effort　was　made　to　resurrect　it；　with　the　proposed　advantage　of　a
telling　new　title；　and　Mr。　F。　said　that　The　Phenix　would　be　just　the　name
for　it；　because　it　would　give　the　idea　of　a　resurrection　from　its　dead
ashes　in　a　new　and　undreamed　of　conditi