roughing it-第79章

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slipped　out　that　he　was　a　little　mean　and　parsimonious　about　paying　his
workmen。　　Instantly；　through　the　steam　of　a　hot　whiskey　punch　on　the
opposite　side　of　the　room；　a　remembered　voice　shotand　for　a　moment　I
trembled　on　the　imminent　verge　of　profanity：

〃Oh；　my　dear　sir；　really　you　expose　yourself　when　you　parade　that　as　a
surprising　circumstance。　　Bless　your　heart　and　hide；　you　are　ignorant　of
the　very　A　B　C　of　meanness！　ignorant　as　the　unborn　babe！　ignorant　as
unborn　twins！　　You　don't　know　anything　about　it！　　It　is　pitiable　to　see
you；　sir；　a　well…spoken　and　prepossessing　stranger；　making　such　an
enormous　pow…wow　here　about　a　subject　concerning　which　your　ignorance　is
perfectly　humiliating！　　Look　me　in　the　eye；　if　you　please；　look　me　in　the
eye。　　John　James　Godfrey　was　the　son　of　poor　but　honest　parents　in　the
State　of　Mississippiboyhood　friend　of　minebosom　comrade　in　later
years。　　Heaven　rest　his　noble　spirit；　he　is　gone　from　us　now。　　John　James
Godfrey　was　hired　by　the　Hayblossom　Mining　Company　in　California　to　do
some　blasting　for　themthe　〃Incorporated　Company　of　Mean　Men；〃　the　boys
used　to　call　it。

Well；　one　day　he　drilled　a　hole　about　four　feet　deep　and　put　in　an　awful
blast　of　powder；　and　was　standing　over　it　ramming　it　down　with　an　iron
crowbar　about　nine　foot　long；　when　the　cussed　thing　struck　a　spark　and
fired　the　powder；　and　scat！　away　John　Godfrey　whizzed　like　a　skyrocket；
him　and　his　crowbar！　　Well；　sir；　he　kept　on　going　up　in　the　air　higher
and　higher；　till　he　didn't　look　any　bigger　than　a　boyand　he　kept　going
on　up　higher　and　higher；　till　he　didn't　look　any　bigger　than　a　dolland
he　kept　on　going　up　higher　and　higher；　till　he　didn't　look　any　bigger
than　a　little　small　beeand　then　he　went　out　of　sight！　　Presently　he
came　in　sight　again；　looking　like　a　little　small　beeand　he　came　along
down　further　and　further；　till　he　looked　as　big　as　a　doll　againand　down
further　and　further；　till　he　was　as　big　as　a　boy　againand　further　and
further；　till　he　was　a　full…sized　man　once　more；　and　then　him　and　his
crowbar　came　a　wh…izzing　down　and　lit　right　exactly　in　the　same　old
tracks　and　went　to　r…ramming　down；　and　r…ramming　down；　and　r…ramming　down
again；　just　the　same　as　if　nothing　had　happened！　　Now　do　you　know；　that
poor　cuss　warn't　gone　only　sixteen　minutes；　and　yet　that　Incorporated
Company　of　Mean　Men　DOCKED　HIM　FOR　THE　LOST　TIME！〃

I　said　I　had　the　headache；　and　so　excused　myself　and　went　home。　　And　on
my　diary　I　entered　〃another　night　spoiled〃　by　this　offensive　loafer。
And　a　fervent　curse　was　set　down　with　it　to　keep　the　item　company。　　And
the　very　next　day　I　packed　up；　out　of　all　patience；　and　left　the　Island。

Almost　from　the　very　beginning；　I　regarded　that　man　as　a　liar。

The　line　of　points　represents　an　interval　of　years。　　At　the　end　of　which
time　the　opinion　hazarded　in　that　last　sentence　came　to　be　gratifyingly
and　remarkably　endorsed；　and　by　wholly　disinterested　persons。　　The　man
Markiss　was　found　one　morning　hanging　to　a　beam　of　his　own　bedroom　（the
doors　and　windows　securely　fastened　on　the　inside）；　dead；　and　on　his
breast　was　pinned　a　paper　in　his　own　handwriting　begging　his　friends　to
suspect　no　innocent　person　of　having　any　thing　to　do　with　his　death；　for
that　it　was　the　work　of　his　own　hands　entirely。　　Yet　the　jury　brought　in
the　astounding　verdict　that　deceased　came　to　his　death　〃by　the　hands　of
some　person　or　persons　unknown！〃　　They　explained　that　the　perfectly
undeviating　consistency　of　Markiss's　character　for　thirty　years　towered
aloft　as　colossal　and　indestructible　testimony；　that　whatever　statement
he　chose　to　make　was　entitled　to　instant　and　unquestioning　acceptance　as
a　lie。　　And　they　furthermore　stated　their　belief　that　he　was　not　dead；
and　instanced　the　strong　circumstantial　evidence　of　his　own　word　that　he
was　deadand　beseeched　the　coroner　to　delay　the　funeral　as　long　as
possible；　which　was　done。　　And　so　in　the　tropical　climate　of　Lahaina　the
coffin　stood　open　for　seven　days；　and　then　even　the　loyal　jury　gave　him
up。　　But　they　sat　on　him　again；　and　changed　their　verdict　to　〃suicide
induced　by　mental　aberration〃because；　said　they；　with　penetration；　〃he
said　he　was　dead；　and　he　was　dead；　and　would　he　have　told　the　truth　if　he
had　been　in　his　right　mind？　　No；　sir。〃




CHAPTER　LXXVIII。

After　half　a　year's　luxurious　vagrancy　in　the　islands；　I　took　shipping　in
a　sailing　vessel；　and　regretfully　returned　to　San　Franciscoa　voyage　in
every　way　delightful；　but　without　an　incident：　unless　lying　two　long
weeks　in　a　dead　calm；　eighteen　hundred　miles　from　the　nearest　land；　may
rank　as　an　incident。　　Schools　of　whales　grew　so　tame　that　day　after　day
they　played　about　the　ship　among　the　porpoises　and　the　sharks　without　the
least　apparent　fear　of　us；　and　we　pelted　them　with　empty　bottles　for　lack
of　better　sport。　　Twenty…four　hours　afterward　these　bottles　would　be
still　lying　on　the　glassy　water　under　our　noses；　showing　that　the　ship
had　not　moved　out　of　her　place　in　all　that　time。　　The　calm　was　absolutely
breathless；　and　the　surface　of　the　sea　absolutely　without　a　wrinkle。
For　a　whole　day　and　part　of　a　night　we　lay　so　close　to　another　ship　that
had　drifted　to　our　vicinity；　that　we　carried　on　conversations　with　her
passengers；　introduced　each　other　by　name；　and　became　pretty　intimately
acquainted　with　people　we　had　never　heard　of　before；　and　have　never　heard
of　since。　　This　was　the　only　vessel　we　saw　during　the　whole　lonely
voyage。　　We　had　fifteen　passengers；　and　to　show　how　hard　pressed　they
were　at　last　for　occupation　and　amusement；　I　will　mention　that　the
gentlemen　gave　a　good　part　of　their　time　every　day；　during　the　calm；　to
trying　to　sit　on　an　empty　champagne　bottle　（lying　on　its　side）；　and
thread　a　needle　without　touching　their　heels　to　the　deck；　or　falling
over；　and　the　ladies　sat　in　the　shade　of　the　mainsail；　and　watched　the
enterprise　with　absorbing　interest。　　We　were　at　sea　five　Sundays；　and
yet；　but　for　the　almanac；　we　never　would　have　known　but　that　all　the
other　days　were　Sundays　too。

I　was　home　again；　in　San　Francisco；　without　means　and　without　employment。
I　tortured　my　brain　for　a　saving　scheme　of　some　kind；　and　at　last　a
public　lecture　occurred　to　me！　　I　sat　down　and　wrote　one；　in　a　fever　of
hopeful　anticipation。　　I　showed　it　to　several　friends；　but　they　all　shook
their　heads。　　They　said　nobody　would　come　to　hear　me；　and　I　would　make　a
humiliating　failure　of　it。

They　said　that　as　I　had　never　spoken　in　public；　I　would　break　down　in　the
delivery；　anyhow。　　I　was　disconsolate　now。　　But　at　last　an　editor　slapped
me　on　the　back　and　told　me　to　〃go　ahead。〃　　He　said；　〃Take　the　largest
house　in　town；　and　charge　a　dollar　a　ticket。〃　　The　audacity　of　the
proposition　was　charming；　it　seemed　fraught　with　practical　worldly
wisdom；　however。　　The　proprietor　of　the　several　theatres　endorsed　the
advice；　and　said　I　might　have　his　handsome　new　opera…house　at　half　price
fifty　dollars。　　In　sheer　desperation　I　took　iton　credit；　for
sufficient　reasons。　　In　three　days　I　did　a　hundred　and　fifty　dollars'
worth　of　printing　and　advertising；　and　was　the　most　distressed　and
frightened　creature　on　the　Pacific　coast。　　I　could　not　sleepwho　could；
under　such　circumstances？　　For　other　people　there　was　facetiousness　in
the　last　line　of　my　posters；　but　to　me　it　was　plaintive　with　a　pang　when
I　wrote　it：

　　　　　　　　　　　〃Doors　open　at　7　1/2。　　The　trouble　will　begin　at　8。〃

That　line　has　done　good　service　since。　　Showmen　have　borrowed　it
frequently。　　I　have　even　seen　it　appended　to　a　newspaper　advertisement
reminding　school　pupils　in　vacation　what　time　next　term　would　begin。　　As
those　three　days　of　suspense　dragged　by；　I　grew　more　and　more　unhappy。
I　had　sold　two　hundred　tickets　among　my　personal　friends；　but　I　feared
they　might　not　come。　　My　lecture；　which　had　seemed　〃humorous〃　to　me；　at
first；　grew　steadily　more　and　more　dreary；　till　not　a　vestige　of　fun
seemed　left；　and　I　grieved　that　I　could　not　bring　a　coffin　on　the　stage
and　turn　the　thing　into　a　funeral。　　I　was　so　panic…stricken；　at　last；
that　I　went　to　three　old　friends；　giants　in　stature；　cordial　by　nature；
and　stormy…voiced；　and　said：

〃This　thing　is　going　to　be　a　failure；　the　jokes　in　it　are　so　dim　that
nobody　will　ever　see　them；　I　would　like　to　have　you　sit　in　the　parquette；
and　help　me　through。〃

They　said　they　would。　　Then　I　went　to　the　wife　of　a　popular　citizen；　and
said　that　if　she　was　willing　to　do　me　a　very　great　kindness；　I　would　be
glad　if　she　and　her　husband　would　sit　prominently　in　the　left…hand　stage…
box；　where　the　whole　house　could　see　them。　　I　explained　that　I　should
need　help；　and　would　turn　toward　her　and　smile；　as　a　signal；　when　I　had
been　delivered　of　an　obscure　joke〃and　then；〃　I　added；　〃don't　wait　to
investigate；　but　respond！〃

She　promised。　　Down　the　street　I　met　a　man　I　never　had　seen　before。　　He
had　been　drinking；　and　was　beaming　with　smiles　and　good　nature。　　He　said：

〃My　name's　Sawyer。　　You　don't　know　me；　but　that　don't　matter。　　I　haven't
got　a　cent；　but　if　you　knew　how　bad　I　wanted　to　laugh；　you'd　give　me　a
ticket。　　Come；　now；　what　do　you　say？〃

〃Is　your　laugh　hung　on　a　hair…trigger？that　is；　is　it　critical；　or　can
you　get　it　off　easy？〃

My　drawling　infirmity　of　speech　so　affected　him　that　he　laughed　a
specimen　or　two　that　struck　me　as　being　about　the　article　I　wanted；　and　I
gave　him　a　ticket；　and　appointed　him　to　sit　in　the　second　circle；　in　the
centre；　and　be　responsible　for　that　division　of　the　house。　　I　gave　him
minute　instructions　about　how　to　detect　indistinct　jokes；　and　then　went
away；　and　left　him　chuckling　placidly　over　the　novelty　of　the　idea。

I　ate　nothing　on　the　last　of　the　three　eventful　daysI　only　suffered。
I　had　advertised　that　on　this　third　day　the　box…office　would　be　opened
for　the　sale　of　reserved　seats。　　I　crept　down　to　the　theater　at　four　in
the　afternoon　to　see　if　any　sales　had　been　made。　　The　ticket　seller　was
gone；　the　box…office　was　locked　up。　　I　had　to　swallow　suddenly；　or　my
heart　would　have　got　out。　　〃No　sales；〃　I　said　to　myself；　〃I　might　have
known　it。〃　　I　thought　of　suicide；　pretended　illness；　flight。　　I　thought
of　these　things　in　earnest；　for　I　was　very　miserable　and　scared。　　But　of
course　I　had　to　drive　them　away；　and　prepare　to　meet　my　fate。　　I　could
not　wait　for　half…past　sevenI　wanted　to　face　the　horror；　and　end　it
the　feeling　of　many　a　man　doomed　to　hang；　no　doubt。　　I　went　down　back
streets　at　six　o'clock；　and　entered　the　theatre　by　the　back　door。
I　stumbled　my　way　in　the　dark　among　the　ranks　of　canvas　scenery；　and
stood　on　the　stage。　　The　house　was　gloomy　and　silent；　and　its　emptiness
depressing。　　I　went　into　the　dark　among　the　scenes　again；　and　for　an　hour
and　a　half　gave　myself　up　to　the　horrors；　wholly　unconscious　of
everything　else。　　Then　I　heard　a　murmur；　it　rose　higher　and　higher；　and
ended　in　a　crash；　mingled　with　cheers。　　It　made　my　hair　raise；　it　was　so
close　to　me；　and　so　loud。

There　was　a　pause；　and　then　another；　presently　came　a　third；　and　before　I
well　knew　what　I　was　about；　I　was　in　the　middle　of　the　stage；　staring　at
a　sea　of　faces；　bewildered　by　the　fierce　glare　of　the　lights；　and　quaking
in　every　limb　with　a　terror　that　seemed　like　to　t