roughing it-第80章

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a　sea　of　faces；　bewildered　by　the　fierce　glare　of　the　lights；　and　quaking
in　every　limb　with　a　terror　that　seemed　like　to　take　my　life　away。　　The
house　was　full；　aisles　and　all！

The　tummult　in　my　heart　and　brain　and　legs　continued　a　full　minute　before
I　could　gain　any　command　over　myself。　　Then　I　recognized　the　charity　and
the　friendliness　in　the　faces　before　me；　and　little　by　little　my　fright
melted　away；　and　I　began　to　talk　Within　three　or　four　minutes　I　was
comfortable；　and　even　content。　　My　three　chief　allies；　with　three
auxiliaries；　were　on　hand；　in　the　parquette；　all　sitting　together；　all
armed　with　bludgeons；　and　all　ready　to　make　an　onslaught　upon　the
feeblest　joke　that　might　show　its　head。　　And　whenever　a　joke　did　fall；
their　bludgeons　came　down　and　their　faces　seemed　to　split　from　ear　to
ear。

Sawyer；　whose　hearty　countenance　was　seen　looming　redly　in　the　centre　of
the　second　circle；　took　it　up；　and　the　house　was　carried　handsomely。
Inferior　jokes　never　fared　so　royally　before。　　Presently　I　delivered　a
bit　of　serious　matter　with　impressive　unction　（it　was　my　pet）；　and　the
audience　listened　with　an　absorbed　hush　that　gratified　me　more　than　any
applause；　and　as　I　dropped　the　last　word　of　the　clause；　I　happened　to
turn　and　catch　Mrs。's　intent　and　waiting　eye；　my　conversation　with　her
flashed　upon　me；　and　in　spite　of　all　I　could　do　I　smiled。　　She　took　it
for　the　signal；　and　promptly　delivered　a　mellow　laugh　that　touched　off
the　whole　audience；　and　the　explosion　that　followed　was　the　triumph　of
the　evening。　　I　thought　that　that　honest　man　Sawyer　would　choke　himself；
and　as　for　the　bludgeons；　they　performed　like　pile…drivers。　　But　my　poor
little　morsel　of　pathos　was　ruined。　　It　was　taken　in　good　faith　as　an
intentional　joke；　and　the　prize　one　of　the　entertainment；　and　I　wisely
let　it　go　at　that。

All　the　papers　were　kind　in　the　morning；　my　appetite　returned；　I　had　a
abundance　of　money。　　All's　well　that　ends　well。




CHAPTER　LXXIX。

I　launched　out　as　a　lecturer；　now；　with　great　boldness。　　I　had　the　field
all　to　myself；　for　public　lectures　were　almost　an　unknown　commodity　in
the　Pacific　market。　　They　are　not　so　rare；　now；　I　suppose。　　I　took　an　old
personal　friend　along　to　play　agent　for　me；　and　for　two　or　three　weeks　we
roamed　through　Nevada　and　California　and　had　a　very　cheerful　time　of　it。
Two　days　before　I　lectured　in　Virginia　City；　two　stagecoaches　were　robbed
within　two　miles　of　the　town。　　The　daring　act　was　committed　just　at　dawn；
by　six　masked　men；　who　sprang　up　alongside　the　coaches；　presented
revolvers　at　the　heads　of　the　drivers　and　passengers；　and　commanded　a
general　dismount。　　Everybody　climbed　down；　and　the　robbers　took　their
watches　and　every　cent　they　had。　　Then　they　took　gunpowder　and　blew　up
the　express　specie　boxes　and　got　their　contents。　　The　leader　of　the
robbers　was　a　small；　quick…spoken　man；　and　the　fame　of　his　vigorous
manner　and　his　intrepidity　was　in　everybody's　mouth　when　we　arrived。

The　night　after　instructing　Virginia；　I　walked　over　the　desolate　〃divide〃
and　down　to　Gold　Hill；　and　lectured　there。　　The　lecture　done；　I　stopped
to　talk　with　a　friend；　and　did　not　start　back　till　eleven。　　The　〃divide〃
was　high；　unoccupied　ground；　between　the　towns；　the　scene　of　twenty
midnight　murders　and　a　hundred　robberies。　　As　we　climbed　up　and　stepped
out　on　this　eminence；　the　Gold　Hill　lights　dropped　out　of　sight　at　our
backs；　and　the　night　closed　down　gloomy　and　dismal。　　A　sharp　wind　swept
the　place；　too；　and　chilled　our　perspiring　bodies　through。

〃I　tell　you　I　don't　like　this　place　at　night；〃　said　Mike　the　agent。

〃Well；　don't　speak　so　loud；〃　I　said。　　〃You　needn't　remind　anybody　that　we
are　here。〃

Just　then　a　dim　figure　approached　me　from　the　direction　of　Virginiaa
man；　evidently。　　He　came　straight　at　me；　and　I　stepped　aside　to　let　him
pass；　he　stepped　in　the　way　and　confronted　me　again。　　Then　I　saw　that　he
had　a　mask　on　and　was　holding　something　in　my　faceI　heard　a　click…click
and　recognized　a　revolver　in　dim　outline。　　I　pushed　the　barrel　aside　with
my　hand　and　said：

〃Don't！〃

He　ejaculated　sharply：

〃Your　watch！　　Your　money！〃

I　said：

〃You　can　have　them　with　pleasurebut　take　the　pistol　away　from　my　face；
please。　　It　makes　me　shiver。〃

〃No　remarks！　　Hand　out　your　money！〃

〃CertainlyI〃

〃Put　up　your　hands！　　Don't　you　go　for　a　weapon！　　Put　'em　up！　　Higher！〃

I　held　them　above　my　head。

A　pause。　　Then：

〃Are　you　going　to　hand　out　your　money　or　not？〃

I　dropped　my　hands　to　my　pockets　and　said：

Certainly！　　I〃

〃Put　up　your　hands　！　　Do　you　want　your　head　blown　off？　　Higher！〃

I　put　them　above　my　head　again。

Another　pause。

Are　you　going　to　hand　out　your　money　or　not？　　Ah…ahagain？　　Put　up　your
hands！　　By　George；　you　want　the　head　shot　off　you　awful　bad！〃

〃Well；　friend；　I'm　trying　my　best　to　please　you。　　You　tell　me　to　give　up
my　money；　and　when　I　reach　for　it　you　tell　me　to　put　up　my　hands。　　If　you
would　only。　　Oh；　nowdon't！　　All　six　of　you　at　me！　　That　other　man
will　get　away　while。Now　please　take　some　of　those　revolvers　out　of　my
facedo；　if　you　please！　　Every　time　one　of　them　clicks；　my　liver　comes
up　into　my　throat！　　If　you　have　a　motherany　of　youor　if　any　of　you
have　ever　had　a　motheror　agrandmotheror　a〃

〃Cheese　it！　　Will　you　give　up　your　money；　or　have　we　got　to。　　There
therenone　of　that！　　Put　up　your　hands！〃

〃GentlemenI　know　you　are　gentlemen　by　your〃

〃Silence！　　If　you　want　to　be　facetious；　young　man；　there　are　times　and
places　more　fitting。　　This　is　a　serious　business。〃

〃You　prick　the　marrow　of　my　opinion。　　The　funerals　I　have　attended　in　my
time　were　comedies　compared　to　it。　　Now　I　think〃

〃Curse　your　palaver！　　Your　money！your　money！your　money！　　Hold！put
up　your　hands！〃

〃Gentlemen；　listen　to　reason。　　You　see　how　I　am　situatednow　don't　put
those　pistols　so　closeI　smell　the　powder。

You　see　how　I　am　situated。　　If　I　had　four　handsso　that　I　could　hold　up
two　and〃

〃Throttle　him！　　Gag　him！　　Kill　him！〃

〃Gentlemen；　don't！　　Nobody's　watching　the　other　fellow。　　Why　don't　some
of　you。　　Ouch！　　Take　it　away；　please！

Gentlemen；　you　see　that　I've　got　to　hold　up　my　hands；　and　so　I　can't　take
out　my　moneybut　if　you'll　be　so　kind　as　to　take　it　out　for　me；　I　will
do　as　much　for　you　some〃

〃Search　him　Beauregardand　stop　his　jaw　with　a　bullet；　quick；　if　he　wags
it　again。　　Help　Beauregard；　Stonewall。〃

Then　three　of　them；　with　the　small；　spry　leader；　adjourned　to　Mike　and
fell　to　searching　him。　　I　was　so　excited　that　my　lawless　fancy　tortured
me　to　ask　my　two　men　all　manner　of　facetious　questions　about　their　rebel
brother…generals　of　the　South；　but；　considering　the　order　they　had
received；　it　was　but　common　prudence　to　keep　still。　　When　everything　had
been　taken　from　me；watch；　money；　and　a　multitude　of　trifles　of　small
value；I　supposed　I　was　free；　and　forthwith　put　my　cold　hands　into　my
empty　pockets　and　began　an　inoffensive　jig　to　warm　my　feet　and　stir　up
some　latent　couragebut　instantly　all　pistols　were　at　my　head；　and　the
order　came　again：

They　stood　Mike　up　alongside　of　me；　with　strict　orders　to　keep　his　hands
above　his　head；　too；　and　then　the　chief　highwayman　said：

〃Beauregard；　hide　behind　that　boulder；　Phil　Sheridan；　you　hide　behind
that　other　one；　Stonewall　Jackson；　put　yourself　behind　that　sage…bush
there。　　Keep　your　pistols　bearing　on　these　fellows；　and　if　they　take　down
their　hands　within　ten　minutes；　or　move　a　single　peg；　let　them　have　it！〃

Then　three　disappeared　in　the　gloom　toward　the　several　ambushes；　and　the
other　three　disappeared　down　the　road　toward　Virginia。

It　was　depressingly　still；　and　miserably　cold。　　Now　this　whole　thing　was
a　practical　joke；　and　the　robbers　were　personal　friends　of　ours　in
disguise；　and　twenty　more　lay　hidden　within　ten　feet　of　us　during　the
whole　operation；　listening。　　Mike　knew　all　this；　and　was　in　the　joke；　but
I　suspected　nothing　of　it。　　To　me　it　was　most　uncomfortably　genuine。
When　we　had　stood　there　in　the　middle　of　the　road　five　minutes；　like　a
couple　of　idiots；　with　our　hands　aloft；　freezing　to　death　by　inches；
Mike's　interest　in　the　joke　began　to　wane。　　He　said：

〃The　time's　up；　now；　aint　it？〃

〃No；　you　keep　still。　　Do　you　want　to　take　any　chances　with　these　bloody
savages？〃

Presently　Mike　said：

〃Now　the　time's　up；　anyway。　　I'm　freezing。〃

〃Well　freeze。　　Better　freeze　than　carry　your　brains　home　in　a　basket。
Maybe　the　time　is　up；　but　how　do　we　know？got　no　watch　to　tell　by。
I　mean　to　give　them　good　measure。　　I　calculate　to　stand　here　fifteen
minutes　or　die。　　Don't　you　move。〃

So；　without　knowing　it；　I　was　making　one　joker　very　sick　of　his　contract。
When　we　took　our　arms　down　at　last；　they　were　aching　with　cold　and
fatigue；　and　when　we　went　sneaking　off；　the　dread　I　was　in　that　the　time
might　not　yet　be　up　and　that　we　would　feel　bullets　in　a　moment；　was　not
sufficient　to　draw　all　my　attention　from　the　misery　that　racked　my
stiffened　body。

The　joke　of　these　highwayman　friends　of　ours　was　mainly　a　joke　upon
themselves；　for　they　had　waited　for　me　on　the　cold　hill…top　two　full
hours　before　I　came；　and　there　was　very　little　fun　in　that；　they　were　so
chilled　that　it　took　them　a　couple　of　weeks　to　get　warm　again。　　Moreover；
I　never　had　a　thought　that　they　would　kill　me　to　get　money　which　it　was
so　perfectly　easy　to　get　without　any　such　folly；　and　so　they　did　not
really　frighten　me　bad　enough　to　make　their　enjoyment　worth　the　trouble
they　had　taken。　　I　was　only　afraid　that　their　weapons　would　go　off
accidentally。　　Their　very　numbers　inspired　me　with　confidence　that　no
blood　would　be　intentionally　spilled。　　They　were　not　smart；　they　ought　to
have　sent　only　one　highwayman；　with　a　double…barrelled　shot　gun；　if　they
desired　to　see　the　author　of　this　volume　climb　a　tree。

However；　I　suppose　that　in　the　long　run　I　got　the　largest　share　of　the
joke　at　last；　and　in　a　shape　not　foreseen　by　the　highwaymen；　for　the
chilly　exposure　on　the　〃divide〃　while　I　was　in　a　perspiration　gave　me　a
cold　which　developed　itself　into　a　troublesome　disease　and　kept　my　hands
idle　some　three　months；　besides　costing　me　quite　a　sum　in　doctor's　bills。
Since　then　I　play　no　practical　jokes　on　people　and　generally　lose　my
temper　when　one　is　played　upon　me。

When　I　returned　to　San　Francisco　I　projected　a　pleasure　journey　to　Japan
and　thence　westward　around　the　world；　but　a　desire　to　see　home　again
changed　my　mind；　and　I　took　a　berth　in　the　steamship；　bade　good…bye　to
the　friendliest　land　and　livest；　heartiest　community　on　our　continent；
and　came　by　the　way　of　the　Isthmus　to　New　Yorka　trip　that　was　not　much
of　a　pic…nic　excursion；　for　the　cholera　broke　out　among　us　on　the　passage
and　we　buried　two　or　three　bodies　at　sea　every　day。　　I　found　home　a
dreary　place　after　my　long　absence；　for　half　the　children　I　had　known
were　now　wearing　whiskers　or　waterfalls；　and　few　of　the　grown　people　I
had　been　acquainted　with　remained　at　their　hearthstones　prosperous　and
happysome　of　them　had　wandered　to　other　scenes；　some　were　in　jail；　and
the　rest　had　been　hanged。　　These　changes　touched　me　deeply；　and　I　went
away　and　joined　the　famous　Quaker　City　European　Excursion　and　carried　my
tears　to　foreign　lands。