the ways of men(人们的手段)-第2章
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that Dog was the friend of Man？ Like a multitude of other fallacies taught
to innocent children； this folly must be unlearned later。 Friend of man；
indeed！ Why； the 〃Little Brothers of the Rich〃 are guileless philanthropists
in comparison with most canines； and unworthy to be named in the same
breath with them。 Dogs discovered centuries ago that to live in luxury； it
was only necessary to assume an exaggerated affection for some wealthy
mortal； and have since proved themselves past masters in a difficult art in
which few men succeed。 The number of human beings who manage to live
on their friends is small； whereas the veriest mongrel cur contrives to
enjoy food and lodging at some dupe's expense。
Facts such as these； however； have not over…thrown the great dog myth。
One can hardly open a child's book without coming across some tale of
canine intelligence and devotion。 My tender youth was saddened by the
story of one disinterested dog that refused to leave his master's grave and
was found frozen at his post on a bleak winter's morning。 With the
experience of years in pet dogs I now suspect that； instead of acting in this
theatrical fashion； that pup trotted home from the funeral with the most
prosperous and simple…minded couple in the neighborhood； and after a
substantial meal went to sleep by the fire。 He must have been a clever dog
to get so much free advertisement； so probably strolled out to his master's
grave the next noon； when people were about to hear him； and howled a
little to keep up appearances。
I have written 〃the richest and most simple minded couple；〃 because
centuries of self…seeking have developed in these beasts an especial
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aptitude for spotting possible victims at a glance。 You will rarely find dogs
coquetting with the strong… minded or wasting blandishments where there
is not the probability of immediate profit； but once let even a puppy get a
tenderhearted girl or aged couple under his influence； no pity will be
shown the victims。
There is a house not a square away from Mr。 Gerry's philanthropic
headquarters； where a state of things exists calculated to extract tears from
a custom…house official。 Two elderly virgins are there held in bondage by a
Minotaur no bigger than your two fists。 These good dames have a taste for
travelling； but change of climate disagrees with their tyrant。 They dislike
house…keeping and； like good Americans； would prefer hotel life；
nevertheless they keep up an establishment in a cheerless side street； with
a retinue of servants； because； forsooth； their satrap exacts a back yard
where he can walk of a morning。 These spinsters； although loving sisters；
no longer go about together； Caligula's nerves being so shaken that
solitude upsets them。 He would sooner expire than be left alone with the
servant； for the excellent reason that his bad temper and absurd airs have
made him dangerous enemies below stairs … and he knows it！
Another household in this city revolves around two brainless； goggle…
eyed beasts； imported at much expense from the slopes of Fuji…yama。 The
care that is lavished on those heathen monsters passes belief。 Maids are
employed to carry them up and down stairs； and men are called in the
night to hurry for a doctor when Chi has over…eaten or Fu develops colic；
yet their devoted mistress tells me； with tears in her eyes； that in spite of
this care； when she takes her darlings for a walk they do not know her
from the first stranger that passes； and will follow any boy who whistles to
them in the street。
What revolts me in the character of dogs is that； not content with
escaping from the responsibilities entailed on all the other inhabitants of
our globe by the struggle for existence； these four…legged Pecksniffs have
succeeded in making for themselves a fallacious reputation for honesty
and devotion。 What little lingering belief I had in canine fidelity
succumbed then I was told that St。 Bernards … those models of integrity
and courage … have fallen into the habit of carrying the flasks of brandy
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that the kind monks provide for the succor of snowbound travellers； to the
neighboring hamlets and exchanging the contents for … chops！
Will the world ever wake to the true character of these four… legged
impostors and realize that instead of being disinterested and sincere； most
family pets are consummate hypocrites。 Innocent？ Pshaw！ Their pretty；
coaxing ways and pretences of affection are unadulterated guile； their
ostentatious devotion； simply a clever manoeuvre to excite interest and
obtain unmerited praise。 It is useless； however； to hope that things will
change。 So long as this giddy old world goes on waltzing in space； so long
shall we continue to be duped by shams and pin our faith on frauds；
confounding an attractive bearing with a sweet disposition and mistaking
dishevelled hair and eccentric appearance for brains。 Even in the Orient；
where dogs have been granted immunity from other labor on the condition
that they organized an effective street…cleaning department； they have been
false to their trust and have evaded their contracts quite as if they were
Tammany braves； like whom they pass their days in slumber and their
nights in settling private disputes； while the city remains uncleaned。
I nurse yet another grudge against the canine race！ That Voltaire of a
whelp； who imposed himself upon our confiding first parents； must have
had an important pull at headquarters； for he certainly succeeded in getting
the decree concerning beauty and fitness which applies to all mammals；
including man himself； reversed in favor of dogs； and handed down to his
descendants the secret of making defects and deformities pass current as
qualities。 While other animals are valued for sleek coats and slender
proportions； canine monstrosities have always been in demand。 We do not
admire squints or protruding under jaws in our own race； yet bulldogs
have persuaded many weak…minded people that these defects are charming
when combined in an individual of their breed。
The fox in the fable； who after losing his tail tried to make that
bereavement the fashion； failed in his undertaking； Dutch canal…boat dogs
have； however； been successful where the fox failed； and are to…day
pampered and prized for a curtailment that would condemn any other
animal （except perhaps a Manx cat） to a watery grave at birth。
I can only recall two instances where canine sycophants got their
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deserts； the first tale （probably apocryphal） is about a donkey； for years the
silent victim of a little terrier who had been trained to lead him to water
and back。 The dog … as might have been expected … abused the situation；
while pretending to be very kind to his charge； never allowed him to roll
on the grass； as he would have liked； or drink in peace； and harassed the
poor beast in many other ways； getting； however； much credit from the
neighbors for devotion and intelligence。 Finally； one day after months of
waiting； the patient victim's chance came。 Getting his tormentor well out
into deep water； the donkey quietly sat down on him。
The other tale is true； for I knew the lady who provided in her will that
her entire establishment should be kept up for the comfort and during the
life of the three fat spaniels that had solaced her declining years。 The heirs
tried to break the will and failed； the delighted domestics； seeing before
them a period of repose； proceeded （headed by the portly housekeeper） to
consult a 〃vet〃 as to how the life of the precious legatees might be
prolonged to the utmost。 His advice was to stop all sweets and rich food
and give each of the animals at least three hours of hard exercise a day。
From that moment the lazy brutes led a dog's life。 Water and the detested
〃Spratt〃 biscuit； scorned in happier days； formed their meagre ordinary；
instead of somnolent airings in a softly cushioned landau they were torn
from chimney corner musings to be raced through cold； muddy streets by
a groom on horseback。
Those two tales give me the keenest pleasure。 When I am received on
entering a friend's room with a chorus of yelps and attacked in dark
corners by snarling little hypocrites who fawn on me in their master's
presence； I humbly pray that some such Nemesis may be in store for these
FAUX BONHOMMES before they leave this world； as apparently no
provision has been made for their punishment in the next。
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CHAPTER 3 … Cyrano； Rostand；
Coquelin
AMONG the proverbs of Spanish folk…lore there is a saying that good
wine retains its flavor in spite of rude bottles and cracked cups。 The
success of M。 Rostand's brilliant drama； CYRANO DE BERGERAC； in
its English dress proves once more the truth of this adage。 The fun and
pathos； the wit and satire； of the original pierce through the halting； feeble
translation like light through a ragged curtain； dazzling the spectators and
setting their enthusiasm ablaze。
Those who love the theatre at its best； when it appeals to our finer
instincts and moves us to healthy laughter and tears； owe a debt of
gratitude to Richard Mansfield for his courage in giving us； as far as the
difference of language and rhythm would allow； this CHEF D'OEUVRE
unchanged； free from the mutilat
