the ways of men(人们的手段)-第5章
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patented garment … if he can help it？
There was not a single accessory to the toilet in that car which behaved
in a normal way。 Buttons mostly backed into place； tail…end foremost （like
horses getting between shafts）； where some hidden mechanism screwed or
clinched them to their moorings。
Collars and cuffs （integral parts of the primitive garment） are now a
labyrinth； in which all but the initiated must lose themselves； being
double…decked； detachable； reversible； and made of every known
substance except linen。 The cuff most in favor can be worn four different
ways； and is attached to the shirt by a steel instrument three inches long；
with a nipper at each end。 The amount of white visible below the coat…
sleeve is regulated by another contrivance； mostly of elastic； worn further
up the arm； around the biceps。 Modern collars are retained in position by a
system of screws and levers。 Socks are attached no longer with the old…
fashioned garter； but by aid of a little harness similar to that worn by pug…
dogs。
One traveller； after lacing his shoes； adjusted a contrivance resembling
a black beetle on the knot to prevent its untying。 He also wore 〃hygienic
suspenders；〃 a discovery of great importance （over three thousand patents
have been taken out for this one necessity of the toilet！）。 This brace
performs several tasks at the same time； such as holding unmentionable
garments in place； keeping the wearer erect； and providing a night…key
guard。 It is also said to cure liver and kidney disease by means of an
arrangement of pulleys which throw the strain according to the wearer's
position … I omit the rest of its qualities！
The watches of my companions； I noticed with astonishment； all wore
India…rubber ruffs around their necks。 Here curiosity getting the better of
discretion； I asked what purpose that invention served。 It was graciously
explained to me how such ruffs prevented theft。 They were so made that it
was impossible to draw your watch out of a pocket unless you knew the
trick； which struck me as a mitigated blessing。 In fact； the idea kept
occurring that life might become terribly uncomfortable under these
complex conditions for absent…minded people。
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Pencils； I find； are no longer put into pockets or slipped behind the ear。
Every commercial 〃gent〃 wears a patent on his chest； where his pen and
pencil nestle in a coil of wire。 Eyeglasses are not allowed to dangle
aimlessly about； as of old； but retire with a snap into an oval box； after the
fashion of roller shades。 Scarf…pins have guards screwed on from behind；
and undergarments … but here modesty stops my pen。
Seeing that I was interested in their make…up； several travelling agents
on the train got out their boxes and showed me the latest artifices that
could be attached to the person。 One gentleman produced a collection of
rings made to go on the finger with a spring； like bracelets； an
arrangement； he explained； that was particularly convenient for people
afflicted with enlarged joints！
Another tempted me with what he called a 〃literary shirt front；〃 … it
was in fact a paper pad； from which for cleanliness a leaf could be peeled
each morning； the 〃wrong〃 side of the sheet thus removed contained a
calendar； much useful information； and the chapters of a 〃continued〃 story；
which ended when the 〃dickey〃 was used up。
A third traveller was 〃pushing〃 a collar…button that plied as many
trades as Figaro； combining the functions of cravat… holder； stud； and
scarf…pin。 Not being successful in selling me one of these； he brought
forward something 〃without which；〃 he assured me； 〃no gentleman's
wardrobe was complete〃！ It proved to be an insidious arrangement of gilt
wire； which he adjusted on his poor； overworked collar…button； and then
tied his cravat through and around it。 〃No tie thus made；〃 he said； 〃would
ever slip or get crooked。〃 He had been so civil that it was embarrassing not
to buy something of him； I invested twenty…five cents in the cravat…holder；
as it seemed the least complicated of the patents on exhibition； not；
however； having graduated in a school of mechanics I have never been
able to make it work。 It takes an hour to tie a cravat with its aid； and as
long to get it untied。 Most of the men in that car； I found； got around the
difficulty by wearing ready…made ties which fastened behind with a clasp。
It has been suggested that the reason our compatriots have such a
strained and anxious look is because they are all trying to remember the
numbers of their streets and houses； the floor their office is on； and the
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combination of their safes。 I am inclined to think that the hunted look we
wear comes from an awful fear of forgetting the secrets of our patents and
being unable to undo ourselves in an emergency！
Think for a moment of the horror of coming home tired and sleepy
after a convivial evening； and finding that some of your hidden machinery
had gone wrong； that by a sudden movement you had disturbed the nice
balance of some lever which in revenge refused to release its prey！ The
inventors of one well…known cuff…holder claim that it had a 〃bull…dog
grip。〃 Think of sitting dressed all night in the embrace of that mechanical
canine until the inventor could be called in to set you free！
I never doubted that bravery was the leading characteristic of the
American temperament； since that glimpse into the secret composition of
my compatriots； admiration has been vastly increased。 The foolhardy
daring it must require … dressed as those men were … to go out in a thunder…
storm makes one shudder： it certainly could not be found in any other race。
The danger of cross…country hunting or bull…fighting is as nothing
compared to the risk a modern American takes when he sits in a trolley…car；
where the chances of his machinery forming a fatal 〃short circuit〃 must be
immense。 The utter impossibility in which he finds himself of making a
toilet quickly on account of so many time…saving accessories must
increase his chances of getting 〃left〃 in an accident about fifty per cent。
Who but one of our people could contemplate with equanimity the thought
of attempting the adjustment of such delicate and difficult combinations
while a steamer was sinking and the life…boats being manned？
Our grandfathers contributed the wooden nutmeg to civilization； and
endowed a grateful universe with other money…saving devices。 To…day the
inventor takes the American baby from his cradle and does not release him
even at the grave。 What a treat one of the machine…made men of to…day
will be to the archeologists of the year 3000； when they chance upon a
well…preserved specimen； with all his patents thick upon I him！ With a
prophetic eye one can almost see the kindly old gentleman of that day
studying the paraphernalia found in the tomb and attempting to account
for the different pieces。 Ink will flow and discussions rage between the
camp maintaining that cuff…holders were tutelar deities buried with the
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dead by pious relatives and the croup asserting that the little pieces of steel
were a form of pocket money in the year 1900。 Both will probably
misquote Tennyson and Kipling in support of their theories。
The question has often been raised； What side of our nineteenth…
century civilization will be most admired by future generations？ In view
of the above facts there can remain little doubt that when the secrets of the
paper collar and the trouser…stretcher have become lost arts； it will be those
benefits that remote ages will envy us； and rare specimens of 〃ventilated
shoes〃 and 〃reversible tissue…paper undergarments〃 will form the choicest
treasures of the collector。
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CHAPTER 5 … Parnassus
MANY years ago； a gentleman with whom I was driving in a distant
quarter of Paris took me to a house on the rue Montparnasse； where we
remained an hour or more； he chatting with its owner； and I listening to
their conversation； and wondering at the confusion of books in the big
room。 As we drove away； my companion turned to me and said； 〃Don't
forget this afternoon。 You have seen one of the greatest writers our century
has produced； although the world does not yet realize it。 You will learn to
love his works when you are older； and it will be a satisfaction to
remember that you saw and spoke with him in the flesh！ 〃
When I returned later to Paris the little house had changed hands； and
a marble tablet stating that Sainte…Beuve had lived and died there adorned
its facade。 My student footsteps took me many times through that quiet
street； but never without a vision of the poet…critic flashing back； as I
glanced up at the window where he had stood and talked with us； as my
friend predicted； Sainte…Beuve's writings had become a precious part of
my small library； the memory of his genial face adding a vivid interest to
their perusal。
I made a little Pilgrimage recently to the quiet old garden where； after
many years' delay； a bust of this writer has been unveiled； with the same
companion； now very old； who thirty years ago presented me to the
original。
There is； perhaps； in all Paris no more exquisite corner
