the ways of men(人们的手段)-第9章
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others it is a means to an end； while a third variety apparently keep a debit
and credit account with their acquaintances … in books of double entry； so
that no errors may occur … and issue invitations like receipts； only in return
for value received。
We can rarely tell what is passing in the minds of people about us。
Some of those mentioned above may feel a vague pleasure when their
rooms are filled with a chattering crowd of more or less well…assorted
guests； if that is denied them； can find consolation for the outlay in an
indefinite sensation of having performed a duty； … what duty； or to whom；
they would； however； find it difficult to define。
Let the novice flee from the allurements of such a host。 Old hands
know him and have got him on their list； escaping when escape is possible；
for he will mate the green youth with the red frump； or like a premature
millennium force the lion and the lamb to lie down together； and imagine
he has given unmixed pleasure to both。
One would expect that great worldly lights might learn by experience
how fatal bungled entertainments can be； but such is not the case。 Many
well…intentioned people continue sacrificing their friends on the altar of
hospitality year after year with never a qualm of conscience or a sensation
of pity for their victims。 One practical lady of my acquaintance asks her
guests alphabetically； commencing the season and the first leaf of her
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visiting list simultaneously and working steadily on through both to
〃finis。〃 If you are an A； you will meet only A's at her table； with perhaps
one or two B's thrown in to fill up； you may sit next to your mother…in…law
for all the hostess cares。 She has probably never heard that the number of
guests at table should not exceed that of the muses； or if by any chance she
has heard it； does not care； and considers such a rule old…fashioned and not
appropriate to our improved modern methods of entertaining。
One wonders what possible satisfaction a host can derive from
providing fifty people with unwholesome food and drink at a fixed date。 It
is a physical impossibility for him to have more than a passing word with
his guests； and ten to one the unaccustomed number has upset the internal
arrangements of his household； so that the dinner will； in consequence； be
poor and the service defective。
A side…light on this question came to me recently when an exceedingly
frank husband confided to a circle of his friends at the club the scheme his
wife； who； though on pleasure bent； was of a frugal mind； had adopted to
balance her social ledger。
〃As we dine out constantly through the year；〃 remarked Benedict；
〃some return is necessary。 So we wait until the height of the winter season；
when everybody is engaged two weeks in advance； then send out our
invitations at rather short notice for two or three consecutive dinners。
You'd be surprised；〃 he remarked； with a beaming smile； 〃what a number
refuse； last winter we cancelled all our obligations with two dinners； the
flowers and entrees being as fresh on the second evening as the first！ It's
wonderful！〃 he remarked in conclusion； 〃how simple entertaining
becomes when one knows how！〃 Which reminded me of an ingenious
youth I once heard telling some friends how easy he had found it to write
the book he had just published。 After his departure we agreed that if he
found it so easy it would not be worth our while to read his volume。
Tender…hearted people generally make bad hosts。 They have a way of
collecting the morally lame； halt； and blind into their drawing…rooms that
gives those apartments the air of a convalescent home。 The moment a
couple have placed themselves beyond the social pale； these purblind
hosts conceive an affection for and lavish hospitality upon them。 If such a
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host has been fortunate enough to get together a circle of healthy people；
you may feel confident that at the last moment a leper will be introduced。
This class of entertainers fail to see that society cannot he run on a
philanthropic basis； and so insist on turning their salons into hospitals。
It would take too long to enumerate the thousand idiosyncrasies of the
color…blind； few； however； are more amusing than those of the impulsive
gentlemen who invite people to their homes indiscriminately； because they
happen to feel in a good humor or chance to be seated next them at
another house； … invitations which the host regrets half an hour later； and
would willingly recall。 〃I can't think why I asked the So…and…sos！〃 he will
confide to you。 〃 I can't abide them； they are as dull as the dropsy！〃 Many
years ago in Paris； we used to call a certain hospitable lady's invitations
〃soup tickets；〃 so little individuality did they possess。
The subtle laws of moral precedence are difficult reading for the most
intelligent； and therefore remain sealed books to the afflicted mortals
mentioned here。 The delicate tact that； with no apparent effort； combines
congenial elements into a delightful whole is lacking in their composition。
The nice discrimination that presides over some households is replaced by
a jovial indifference to other persons' feelings and prejudices。
The idea of placing pretty Miss Debutante next young Strongboys
instead of giving her over into the clutches of old Mr。 Boremore will never
enter these obtuse entertainers' heads； any more than that of trying to keep
poor； defenceless Mrs。 Mouse out of young Tom Cat's claws。
It is useless to enumerate instances； people have suffered too severely
at the hands of careless and incompetent hosts not to know pretty well
what the title of this paper means。 So many of us have come away from
fruitless evenings； grinding our teeth； and vowing never to enter those
doors again while life lasts； that the time seems ripe for a protest。
If the color…blind would only refrain from painting； and the tone…deaf
not insist on inviting one to their concerts； the world would be a much
more agreeable place。 If people would only learn what they can and what
they can't do； and leave the latter feats alone； a vast amount of unnecessary
annoyance would be avoided and the tiresome old grindstone turn to a
more cheerful tune。
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CHAPTER 8 … Idling in Mid…Ocean
TO those fortunate mortals from whom Poseidon exacts no tribute in
crossing his broad domain； a transatlantic voyage must afford each year an
ever new delight。 The cares and worries of existence fade away and
disappear in company with the land； in the deep bosom of the ocean buried。
One no longer feels like the bored mortal who has all winter turned the
millstone of work and pleasure； but seems to have transmigrated into a
new body； endowed with a ravenous appetite and perfectly fresh
sensations。
Perhaps it is only the novelty of the surroundings； but as I lie
somnolent in my chair； tucked into a corner of the white deck； watching
the jade…colored water rush past below； and the sea…gulls circle gayly
overhead； the SUMMUM BONUM of earthly contentment seems attained。
The book chosen with care remains uncut； the sense of physical and
mental rest is too exquisite to be broken by any effort； even the reading of
a favorite author。
Drowsy lapses into unconsciousness obscure the senses； like the
transparent clouds that from time to time dim the sunlight。 A distant bell in
the wheel…house chimes the lazy half…hours。 Groups of people come and
go like figures on a lantern…slide。 A curiously detached reeling makes the
scene and the actors in it as unreal as a painted ship manned by a shadowy
crew。 The inevitable child tumbles on its face and is picked up shrieking
by tender parents； energetic youths organize games of skill or discover
whales on the horizon； without disturbing one's philosophic calm。
I congratulate myself on having chosen a foreign line。 For a week at
least no familiar name will be spoken； no accustomed face appear。 The
galling harness of routine is loosened； one breathes freely again conscious
of the unoccupied hours in perspective。
The welcome summons to luncheon comes as a pleasant shock。 Is it
possible that the morning has passed？ It seems to have but commenced。 I
rouse myself and descend to the cabin。 Toward the end of the meal a
rubicund Frenchman opposite makes the startling proposition that if I wish
to send a message home he will undertake to have it delivered。 It is not
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until I notice the little square of oiled paper he is holding out to me that I
understand this reference to the 〃pigeon post〃 with which the Compagnie
Transatlantique is experimenting。 At the invitation of this new
acquaintance I ascend to the upper deck and watch his birds depart。
The tiny bits of paper on which we have written （post…card fashion）
message and address are rolled two or three together； and inserted into a
piece of quill less than two inches long； which； however； they do not
entirely fill。 While a pigeon is held by one man； another pushes one of the
bird's tail… feathers well through the quill； which is then fastened in its
place by two minute wooden wedges。 A moment later the pigeon is tossed
up into the air； and we witness the working of that mysterious instinct
which all our modern science leaves unexplained。 After a turn or two far
u
