letters to his son, 1746-47-第6章

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them；　which　makes　them　the　easy　prey　and　bubbles　of　the　artful　and　the
experienced；　they　look　upon　every　knave　or　fool；　who　tells　them　that　he
is　their　friend；　to　be　really　so；　and　pay　that　profession　of　simulated
friendship；　with　an　indiscreet　and　unbounded　confidence；　always　to　their
loss；　often　to　their　ruin。　　Beware；　therefore；　now　that　you　are　coming
into　the　world；　of　these　preferred　friendships。　　Receive　them　with　great
civility；　but　with　great　incredulity　too；　and　pay　them　with　compliments；
but　not　with　confidence。　　Do　not　let　your　vanity　and　self…love　make　you
suppose　that　people　become　your　friends　at　first　sight；　or　even　upon　a
short　acquaintance。　　Real　friendship　is　a　slow　grower　and　never　thrives
unless　engrafted　upon　a　stock　of　known　and　reciprocal　merit。　　There　is
another　kind　of　nominal　friendship　among　young　people；　which　is　warm　for
the　time；　but　by　good　luck；　of　short　duration。　　This　friendship　is
hastily　produced；　by　their　being　accidentally　thrown　together；　and
pursuing　the　course　of　riot　and　debauchery。　　A　fine　friendship；　truly；
and　well　cemented　by　drunkenness　and　lewdness。　　It　should　rather　be
called　a　conspiracy　against　morals　and　good　manners；　and　be　punished　as
such　by　the　civil　magistrate。　　However；　they　have　the　impudence　and　folly
to　call　this　confederacy　a　friendship。　　They　lend　one　another　money；
for　bad　purposes；　they　engage　in　quarrels；　offensive　and　defensive　for
their　accomplices；　they　tell　one　another　all　they　know；　and　often　more
too；　when；　of　a　sudden；　some　accident　disperses　them；　and　they　think　no
more　of　each　other；　unless　it　be　to　betray　and　laugh；　at　their　imprudent
confidence。　　Remember　to　make　a　great　difference　between　companions　and
friends；　for　a　very　complaisant　and　agreeable　companion　may；　and　often
does；　prove　a　very　improper　and　a　very　dangerous　friend。　　People　will；
in　a　great　degree；　and　not　without　reason；　form　their　opinion　of　you；
upon　that　which　they　have　of　your　friends；　and　there　is　a　Spanish
proverb；　which　says　very　justly；　TELL　ME　WHO　YOU　LIVE　WITH　AND　I　WILL
TELL　YOU　WHO　YOU　ARE。　　One　may　fairly　suppose；　that　the　man　who　makes　a
knave　or　a　fool　his　friend；　has　something　very　bad　to　do　or　to　conceal。
But；　at　the　same　time　that　you　carefully　decline　the　friendship　of　knaves
and　fools；　if　it　can　be　called　friendship；　there　is　no　occasion　to　make
either　of　them　your　enemies；　wantonly　and　unprovoked；　for　they　are
numerous　bodies：　and　I；　would　rather　choose　a　secure　neutrality；　than
alliance；　or　war　with　either　of　them。　　You　may　be　a　declared　enemy　to
their　vices　and　follies；　without　being　marked　out　by　them　as　a　personal
one。　　Their　enmity　is　the　next　dangerous　thing　to　their　friendship。
Have　a　real　reserve　with　almost　everybody；　and　have　a　seeming　reserve
with　almost　nobody；　for　it　is　very　disagreeable　to　seem　reserved；　and
very　dangerous　not　to　be　so。　　Few　people　find　the　true　medium；　many　are
ridiculously　mysterious　and　reserved　upon　trifles；　and　many　imprudently
communicative　of　all　they　know。

The　next　thing　to　the　choice　of　your　friends；　is　the　choice　of　your
company。　　Endeavor；　as　much　as　you　can；　to　keep　company　with　people　above
you：　there　you　rise；　as　much　as　you　sink　with　people　below　you；　for　（as　I
have　mentioned　before）　you　are　whatever　the　company　you　keep　is。　　Do　not
mistake；　when　I　say　company　above　you；　and　think　that　I　mean　with　regard
to；　their　birth：　that　is　the　least　consideration；　but　I　mean　with　regard
to　their　merit；　and　the　light　in　which　the　world　considers　them。

There　are　two　sorts　of　good　company；　one；　which　is　called　the　beau　monde；
and　consists　of　the　people　who　have　the　lead　in　courts；　and　in　the　gay
parts　of　life；　the　other　consists　of　those　who　are　distinguished　by　some
peculiar　merit；　or　who　excel　in　some　particular　and　valuable　art　or
science。　　For　my　own　part；　I　used　to　think　myself　in　company　as；　much
above　me；　when　I　was　with　Mr。　Addison　and　Mr。　Pope；　as　if　I　had　been　with
all　the　princes　in　Europe。　　What　I　mean　by　low　company；　which　should　by
all　means　be　avoided；　is　the　company　of　those；　who；　absolutely
insignificant　and　contemptible　in　themselves；　think　they　are　honored　by
being　in　your　company；　and　who　flatter　every　vice　and　every　folly　you
have；　in　order　to　engage　you　to　converse　with　them。　　The　pride　of　being
the　first　of　the　company　is　but　too　common；　but　it　is　very　silly；　and
very　prejudicial。　　Nothing　in　the　world　lets　down　a　character　quicker
than　that　wrong　turn。

You　may　possibly　ask　me；　whether　a　man　has　it　always　in　his　power　to　get
the　best　company？　and　how？　　I　say；　Yes；　he　has；　by　deserving　it；
providing　he　is　but　in　circumstances　which　enable　him　to　appear　upon　the
footing　of　a　gentleman。　　Merit　and　good…breeding　will　make　their　way
everywhere。　　Knowledge　will　introduce　him；　and　good…breeding　will　endear
him　to　the　best　companies：　for；　as　I　have　often　told　you；　politeness　and
good…breeding　are　absolutely　necessary　to　adorn　any；　or　all　other　good
qualities　or　talents。　　Without　them；　no　knowledge；　no　perfection
whatever；　is　seen　in　its　best　light。　　The　scholar；　without　good…breeding；
is　a　pedant；　the　philosopher；　a　cynic；　the　soldier；　a　brute；　and　every
man　disagreeable。

I　long　to　hear；　from　my　several　correspondents　at　Leipsig；　of　your
arrival　there；　and　what　impression　you　make　on　them　at　first；　for　I　have
Arguses；　with　an　hundred　eyes　each；　who　will　watch　you　narrowly；　and
relate　to　me　faithfully。　　My　accounts　will　certainly　be　true；　it　depends
upon　you；　entirely；　of　what　kind　they　shall　be。　　Adieu。




LETTER　XVII

LONDON；　October　16；　O。　S。　　1747

DEAR　BOY：　The　art　of　pleasing　is　a　very　necessary　one　to　possess；　but　a
very　difficult　one　to　acquire。　　It　can　hardly　be　reduced　to　rules；　and
your　own　good　sense　and　observation　will　teach　you　more　of　it　than　I　can。
Do　as　you　would　be　done　by；　is　the　surest　method　that　I　know　of　pleasing。
Observe　carefully　what　pleases　you　in　others；　and　probably　the　same　thing
in　you　will　please　others。　　If　you　are　pleased　with　the　complaisance　and
attention　of　others　to　your　humors；　your　tastes；　or　your　weaknesses；
depend　upon　it　the　same　complaisance　and　attention；　on　your　part　to
theirs；　will　equally　please　them。　Take　the　tone　of　the　company　that　you
are　in；　and　do　not　pretend　to　give　it；　be　serious；　gay；　or　even　trifling；
as　you　find　the　present　humor　of　the　company；　this　is　an　attention　due
from　every　individual　to　the　majority。　　Do　not　tell　stories　in　company；
there　is　nothing　more　tedious　and　disagreeable；　if　by　chance　you　know　a
very　short　story；　and　exceedingly　applicable　to　the　present　subject　of
conversation；　tell　it　in　as　few　words　as　possible；　and　even　then；　throw
out　that　you　do　not　love　to　tell　stories；　but　that　the　shortness　of　it
tempted　you。　　Of　all　things；　banish　the　egotism　out　of　your　conversation；
and　never　think　of　entertaining　people　with　your　own　personal　concerns；
or　private；　affairs；　though　they　are　interesting　to　you；　they　are　tedious
and　impertinent　to　everybody　else；　besides　that；　one　cannot　keep　one's
own　private　affairs　too　secret。　　Whatever　you　think　your　own　excellencies
may　be；　do　not　affectedly　display　them　in　company；　nor　labor；　as　many
people　do；　to　give　that　turn　to　the　conversation；　which　may　supply　you
with　an　opportunity　of　exhibiting　them。　　If　they　are　real；　they　will
infallibly　be　discovered；　without　your　pointing　them　out　yourself；　and
with　much　more　advantage。　　Never　maintain　an　argument　with　heat　and
clamor；　though　you　think　or　know　yourself　to　be　in　the　right：　but　give
your　opinion　modestly　and　coolly；　which　is　the　only　way　to　convince；
and；　if　that　does　not　do；　try　to　change　the　conversation；　by　saying；
with　good　humor；　〃We　shall　hardly　convince　one　another；　nor　is　it
necessary　that　we　should；　so　let　us　talk　of　something　else。〃

Remember　that　there　is　a　local　propriety　to　be　observed　in　all　companies；
and　that　what　is　extremely　proper　in　one　company；　may　be；　and　often　is；
highly　improper　in　another。

The　jokes；　the　'bonmots；'　the　little　adventures；　which　may　do　very　well
in　one　company；　will　seem　flat　and　tedious；　when　related　in　another。
The　particular　characters；　the　habits；　the　cant　of　one　company；　may　give
merit　to　a　word；　or　a　gesture；　which　would　have　none　at　all　if　divested
of　those　accidental　circumstances。　　Here　people　very　commonly　err；　and
fond　of　something　that　has　entertained　them　in　one　company；　and　in
certain　circumstances；　repeat　it　with　emphasis　in　another；　where　it　is
either　insipid；　or；　it　may　be；　offensive；　by　being　ill…timed　or
misplaced。　　Nay；　they　often　do　it　with　this　silly　preamble；　〃I　will　tell
you　an　excellent　thing〃；　or；　〃I　will　tell　you　the　best　thing　in　the
world。〃　　This　raises　expectations；　which；　when　absolutely　disappointed；
make　the　relater　of　this　excellent　thing　look；　very　deservedly；　like　a
fool。

If　you　would　particularly　gain　the　affection　and　friendship　of　particular
people；　whether　men　or　women；　endeavor　to　find　out　the　predominant
excellency；　if　they　have　one；　and　their　prevailing　weakness；　which
everybody　has；　and　do　justice　to　the　one；　and　something　more　than　justice
to　the　other。　　Men　have　various　objects　in　which　they　may　excel；　or　at
least　would　be　thought　to　excel；　and；　though　they　love　to　hear　justice
done　to　them；　where　they　know　that　they　excel；　yet　they　are　most　and　best
flattered　upon　those　points　where　they　wish　to　excel；　and　yet　are
doubtful　whether　they　do　or　not。　　As；　for　example；　Cardinal　Richelieu；
who　was　undoubtedly　the　ablest　statesman　of　his　time；　or　perhaps　of　any
other；　had　the　idle　vanity　of　being　thought　the　best　poet　too；　he　envied
the　great　Corneille　his　reputation；　and　ordered　a　criticism　to　be　written
upon　the　〃Cid。〃　　Those；　therefore；　who　flattered　skillfully；　said　little
to　him　of　his　abilities　in　state　affairs；　or　at　least　but　'en　passant；'
and　as　it　might　naturally　occur。　　But　the　incense　which　they　gave　him；
the　smoke　of　which　they　knew　would　turn　his　head　in　their　favor；　was　as　a
'bel　esprit'　and　a　poet。　　Why？　　Because　he　was　sure　of　one　excellency；
and　distrustful　as　to　the　other。　　You　will　easily　discover　every　man's
prevailing　vanity；　by　observing　his　favorite　topic　of　conversation；　for
every　man　talks　most　of　what　he　has　most　a　mind　to　be　thought　to　excel
in。　　Touch　him　but　there；　and　you　touch　him　to　the　quick。　　The　late　Sir
Robert　Walpole　（who　was　certainly　an　able　man）　was　little　open　to
flattery　upon　that　head；　for　he　was　in　no　doubt　himself　about　it；　but　his
prevailing　weakness　was；　to　be　thought　to　have　a　polite　and　happy　turn　to
gallantry；　of　which　he　had　undoubtedly　less　than　any　man　living：　it　was
his　favorite　and　frequent　subject　of　conversation：　which　proved；　to　those
who　had　any　penetration；　that　it　was　his　prevailing　weakness。　　And　they
applied　to　it　with　success。

Women　have；　in　general；　but　one　object；　which　is　their　beauty；　upon
which；　scarce　any　flattery　is　too　gross　for　them　to　swallow。　　Nature　has
hardly　formed　a　woman　ugly　enough　to　be　insensible　to　flattery　upon　her
person；　if　her　face　is　so　shocking；　that　she　must　in　some　degree；　be
conscious　of　it；　her　figure　and　her　air；　she　trusts；　make　ample　amends
for　it。　　If　her　figure　is　deformed；　her　face；　she　thinks；　counterbalances
it。