the muse of the department-第29章

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when　she　took　out　her　handkerchief　to　wipe　away　these　two　beads　of
anguish。

〃What　is　it；　Didine？〃　he　asked；　touched　to　the　heart　by　this　excessive
sensibility。

〃Just　as　I　was　priding　myself　on　having　won　our　freedom；〃　said　she
〃at　the　cost　of　my　fortuneby　sellingwhat　is　most　precious　to　a
mother's　heartselling　my　children！for　he　is　to　have　them　from　the
age　of　sixand　I　cannot　see　them　without　going　to　Sancerre！and　that
is　torture！Ah；　dear　God！　What　have　I　done？〃

Lousteau　knelt　down　by　her　and　kissed　her　hands　with　a　lavish　display
of　coaxing　and　petting。

〃You　do　not　understand　me；〃　said　he。　〃I　blame　myself；　for　I　am　not
worth　such　sacrifices；　dear　angel。　I　am；　in　a　literary　sense；　a　quite
second…rate　man。　If　the　day　comes　when　I　can　no　longer　cut　a　figure　at
the　bottom　of　the　newspaper；　the　editors　will　let　me　lie；　like　an　old
shoe　flung　into　the　rubbish　heap。　Remember；　we　tight…rope　dancers　have
no　retiring　pension！　The　State　would　have　too　many　clever　men　on　its
hands　if　it　started　on　such　a　career　of　beneficence。　I　am　forty…two；
and　I　am　as　idle　as　a　marmot。　I　feel　itI　know　it〃and　he　took　her
by　the　hand〃my　love　can　only　be　fatal　to　you。

〃As　you　know；　at　two…and…twenty　I　lived　on　Florine；　but　what　is
excusable　in　a　youth；　what　then　seems　smart　and　charming；　is　a
disgrace　to　a　man　of　forty。　Hitherto　we　have　shared　the　burden　of
existence；　and　it　has　not　been　lovely　for　this　year　and　half。　Out　of
devotion　to　me　you　wear　nothing　but　black；　and　that　does　me　no
credit。〃Dinah　gave　one　of　those　magnanimous　shrugs　which　are　worth
all　the　words　ever　spoken。〃Yes；〃　Etienne　went　on；　〃I　know　you
sacrifice　everything　to　my　whims；　even　your　beauty。　And　I；　with　a
heart　worn　out　in　past　struggles；　a　soul　full　of　dark　presentiments　as
to　the　future；　I　cannot　repay　your　exquisite　love　with　an　equal
affection。　We　were　very　happywithout　a　cloudfor　a　long　time。
Well；　then；　I　cannot　bear　to　see　so　sweet　a　poem　end　badly。　Am　I
wrong？〃

Madame　de　la　Baudraye　loved　Etienne　so　truly；　that　this　prudence；
worthy　of　de　Clagny；　gratified　her　and　stanched　her　tears。

〃He　loves　me　for　myself　alone！〃　thought　she；　looking　at　him　with
smiling　eyes。

After　four　years　of　intimacy；　this　woman's　love　now　combined　every
shade　of　affection　which　our　powers　of　analysis　can　discern；　and　which
modern　society　has　created；　one　of　the　most　remarkable　men　of　our　age；
whose　death　is　a　recent　loss　to　the　world　of　letters；　Beyle
（Stendhal）；　was　the　first　to　delineate　them　to　perfection。

Lousteau　could　produce　in　Dinah　the　acute　agitation　which　may　be
compared　to　magnetism；　that　upsets　every　power　of　the　mind　and　body；
and　overcomes　every　instinct　of　resistance　in　a　woman。　A　look　from
him；　or　his　hand　laid　on　hers；　reduced　her　to　implicit　obedience。　A
kind　word　or　a　smile　wreathed　the　poor　woman's　soul　with　flowers；　a
fond　look　elated；　a　cold　look　depressed　her。　When　she　walked；　taking
his　arm　and　keeping　step　with　him　in　the　street　or　on　the　boulevard；
she　was　so　entirely　absorbed　in　him　that　she　lost　all　sense　of
herself。　Fascinated　by　this　fellow's　wit；　magnetized　by　his　airs；　his
vices　were　but　trivial　defects　in　her　eyes。　She　loved　the　puffs　of
cigar　smoke　that　the　wind　brought　into　her　room　from　the　garden；　she
went　to　inhale　them；　and　made　no　wry　faces；　hiding　herself　to　enjoy
them。　She　hated　the　publisher　or　the　newspaper　editor　who　refused
Lousteau　money　on　the　ground　of　the　enormous　advances　he　had　had
already。　She　deluded　herself　so　far　as　to　believe　that　her　bohemian
was　writing　a　novel；　for　which　the　payment　was　to　come；　instead　of
working　off　a　debt　long　since　incurred。

This；　no　doubt；　is　true　love；　and　includes　every　mode　of　loving；　the
love　of　the　heart　and　of　the　headpassion；　caprice；　and　tasteto
accept　Beyle's　definitions。　Didine　loved　him　so　wholly；　that　in
certain　moments　when　her　critical　judgment；　just　by　nature；　and
constantly　exercised　since　she　had　lived　in　Paris；　compelled　her　to
read　to　the　bottom　of　Lousteau's　soul；　sense　was　still　too　much　for
reason；　and　suggested　excuses。

〃And　what　am　I？〃　she　replied。　〃A　woman　who　has　put　herself　outside　the
pale。　Since　I　have　sacrificed　all　a　woman's　honor；　why　should　you　not
sacrifice　to　me　some　of　a　man's　honor？　Do　we　not　live　outside　the
limits　of　social　conventionality？　Why　not　accept　from　me　what　Nathan
can　accept　from　Florine？　We　will　square　accounts　when　we　part；　and
only　death　can　part　usyou　know。　My　happiness　is　your　honor；　Etienne；
as　my　constancy　and　your　happiness　are　mine。　If　I　fail　to　make　you
happy；　all　is　at　an　end。　If　I　cause　you　a　pang；　condemn　me。

〃Our　debts　are　paid；　we　have　ten　thousand　francs　a　year；　and　between
us　we　can　certainly　make　eight　thousand　francs　a　yearI　will　write
theatrical　articles。With　fifteen　hundred　francs　a　month　we　shall　be
as　rich　as　Rothschild。Be　quite　easy。　I　will　have　some　lovely
dresses；　and　give　you　every　day　some　gratified　vanity；　as　on　the　first
night　of　Nathan's　play〃

〃And　what　about　your　mother；　who　goes　to　Mass　every　day；　and　wants　to
bring　a　priest　to　the　house　and　make　you　give　up　this　way　of　life？〃

〃Every　one　has　a　pet　vice。　You　smoke；　she　preaches　at　me；　poor　woman！
But　she　takes　great　care　of　the　children；　she　takes　them　out；　she　is
absolutely　devoted；　and　idolizes　me。　Would　you　hinder　her　from
crying？〃

〃What　will　be　thought　of　me？〃

〃But　we　do　not　live　for　the　world！〃　cried　she；　raising　Etienne　and
making　him　sit　by　her。　〃Besides；　we　shall　be　married　some　daywe　have
the　risks　of　a　sea　voyage〃

〃I　never　thought　of　that；〃　said　Lousteau　simply；　and　he　added　to
himself；　〃Time　enough　to　part　when　little　La　Baudraye　is　safe　back
again。〃



From　that　day　forth　Etienne　lived　in　luxury；　and　Dinah；　on　first
nights；　could　hold　her　own　with　the　best　dressed　women　in　Paris。
Lousteau　was　so　fatuous　as　to　affect；　among　his　friends；　the　attitude
of　a　man　overborne；　bored　to　extinction；　ruined　by　Madame　de　la
Baudraye。

〃Oh；　what　would　I　not　give　to　the　friend　who　would　deliver　me　from
Dinah！　But　no　one　ever　can！〃　said　he。　〃She　loves　me　enough　to　throw
herself　out　of　the　window　if　I　told　her。〃

The　journalist　was　duly　pitied；　he　would　take　precautions　against
Dinah's　jealousy　when　he　accepted　an　invitation。　And　then　he　was
shamelessly　unfaithful。　Monsieur　de　Clagny；　really　in　despair　at
seeing　Dinah　in　such　disgraceful　circumstances　when　she　might　have
been　so　rich；　and　in　so　wretched　a　position　at　the　time　when　her
original　ambitions　would　have　been　fulfilled；　came　to　warn　her；　to
tell　her〃You　are　betrayed；〃　and　she　only　replied；　〃I　know　it。〃

The　lawyer　was　silenced；　still　he　found　his　tongue　to　say　one　thing。

Madame　de　la　Baudraye　interrupted　him　when　he　had　scarcely　spoken　a
word。

〃Do　you　still　love　me？〃　she　asked。

〃I　would　lose　my　soul　for　you！〃　he　exclaimed；　starting　to　his　feet。

The　hapless　man's　eyes　flashed　like　torches；　he　trembled　like　a　leaf；
his　throat　was　rigid；　his　hair　thrilled　to　the　roots；　he　believed　he
was　so　blessed　as　to　be　accepted　as　his　idol's　avenger；　and　this　poor
joy　filled　him　with　rapture。

〃Why　are　you　so　startled？〃　said　she；　making　him　sit　down　again。　〃That
is　how　I　love　him。〃

The　lawyer　understood　this　argument　/ad　hominem/。　And　there　were　tears
in　the　eyes　of　the　Judge；　who　had　just　condemned　a　man　to　death！

Lousteau's　satiety；　that　odious　conclusion　of　such　illicit　relations；
had　betrayed　itself　in　a　thousand　little　things；　which　are　like　grains
of　sand　thrown　against　the　panes　of　the　little　magical　hut　where　those
who　love　dwell　and　dream。　These　grains　of　sand；　which　grow　to　be
pebbles；　had　never　been　discerned　by　Dinah　till　they　were　as　big　as
rocks。　Madame　de　la　Baudraye　had　at　last　thoroughly　understood
Lousteau's　character。

〃He　is；〃　she　said　to　her　mother；　〃a　poet；　defenceless　against
disaster；　mean　out　of　laziness；　not　for　want　of　heart；　and　rather　too
prone　to　pleasure；　in　short；　a　great　cat；　whom　it　is　impossible　to
hate。　What　would　become　of　him　without　me？　I　hindered　his　marriage；　he
has　no　prospects。　His　talent　would　perish　in　privations。〃

〃Oh；　my　Dinah！〃　Madame　Piedefer　had　exclaimed；　〃what　a　hell　you　live
in！　What　is　the　feeling　that　gives　you　strength　enough　to　persist？〃

〃I　will　be　a　mother　to　him！〃　she　had　replied。

There　are　certain　horrible　situations　in　which　we　come　to　no　decision
till　the　moment　when　our　friends　discern　our　dishonor。　We　accept
compromises　with　ourself　so　long　as　we　escape　a　censor　who　comes　to
play　prosecutor。　Monsieur　de　Clagny；　as　clumsy　as　a　tortured　man；　had
been　torturing　Dinah。

〃To　preserve　my　love　I　will　be　all　that　Madame　de　Pompadour　was　to
preserve　her　power；〃　said　she　to　herself　when　Monsieur　de　Clagny　had
left　her。　And　this　phrase　sufficiently　proves　that　her　love　was
becoming　a　burden　to　her；　and　would　presently　be　a　toil　rather　than　a
pleasure。

The　part　now　assumed　by　Dinah　was　horribly　painful；　and　Lousteau　made
it　no　easier　to　play。　When　he　wanted　to　go　out　after　dinner　he　would
perform　the　tenderest　little　farces　of　affection；　and　address　Dinah　in
words　full　of　devotion；　he　would　take　her　by　the　chain；　and　when　he
had　bruised　her　with　it；　even　while　he　hurt　her；　the　lordly　ingrate
would　say；　〃Did　I　wound　you？〃

These　false　caresses　and　deceptions　had　degrading　consequences　for
Dinah；　who　believed　in　a　revival　of　his　love。　The　mother；　alas；　gave
way　to　the　mistress　with　shameful　readiness。　She　felt　herself　a　mere
plaything　in　the　man's　hands；　and　at　last　she　confessed　to　herself：

〃Well；　then；　I　will　be　his　plaything！〃　finding　joy　in　itthe　rapture
of　damnation。

When　this　woman；　of　a　really　manly　spirit；　pictured　herself　as　living
in　solitude；　she　felt　her　courage　fail。　She　preferred　the　anticipated
and　inevitable　miseries　of　this　fierce　intimacy　to　the　absence　of　the
joys；　which　were　all　the　more　exquisite　because　they　arose　from　the
midst　of　remorse；　of　terrible　struggles　with　herself；　of　a　/No/
persuaded　to　be　/Yes/。　At　every　moment　she　seemed　to　come　across　the
pool　of　bitter　water　found　in　a　desert；　and　drunk　with　greater　relish
than　the　traveler　would　find　in　sipping　the　finest　wines　at　a　prince's
table。

When　Dinah　wondered　to　herself　at　midnight：

〃Will　he　come　home；　or　will　he　not？〃　she　was　not　alive　again　till　she
heard　the　familiar　sound　of　Lousteau's　boots；　and　his　well…known　ring
at　the　bell。

She　would　often　try　to　restrain　him　by　giving　him　pleasure；　she　would
hope　to　be　a　match　for　her　rivals；　and　leave　them　no　hold　on　that
agitated　heart。　How　many　times　a　day　would　she　rehearse　the　tragedy　of
/Le　Dernier　Jour　d'un　condamne/；　saying　to　herself；　〃To…morrow　we
part。〃　And　how　often　would　a　word；　a　look；　a　kiss　full　of　apparently
artless　feeling；　bring　her　back　to　the　depths　of　her　love！

It　was　terrible。　More　than　once　had　she　meditated　suicide　as　she　paced
the　little　town　garden　where　a　few　pale　flowers　bloomed。　In　fact；　she
had　not　yet　exhausted　the　vast　treasure　of　devotion　and　love　which　a
loving　woman　bears　in　her　heart。

The　romance　of　/Adolphe/　was　her　Bible；　her　study；　for　above　all　else
she　would　not　be　an　Ellenore。　She　allowed　herself　no　tears；　she
avoided　all　the　bitterness　so　cleverly　described　by　the　critic　to　whom
we　owe　an　analys